Day 210 (hearting DS)

Just when I was getting used to thinking of DS as the biggest pain in my large ass, he goes and sends me an incredibly kind e-mail that has me thinking I should downgrade him to simply “a pain.”

Crrrrrrap!

After missing three boot camp sessions last week due to vacay, I knew yesterday’s workout was going to be a rough one. And the session did not disappoint. But it was more my body rejecting the strenuous exercise more than the strenuous exercise rejecting me. I have a lil’ heart condition that flairs up on occasion and yesterday during BC I kept getting slammed by episodes … one right after the other.

I had to walk away several times to let my raging heart cool down. I think the waterworks that DS accidentally saw made him realize that I wasn’t just being a puss.

Anywhoo, I sucked it up as best I could and then I got the e-mail. I won’t share the message … DS would run me run until the fat literally flew off my love handles if I outt’ed his softer side (it would totally kill that whole tough-guy image he has working for him), but I just to share that it made my day.

I know he’ll still give me total crap tomorrow, I wouldn’t expect anything less, but at least now I know that his “encouragement” comes from a place of motivation, not intimidation.

Aww, DS is all about the tough love.

And that makes me heart him. Damn it.

Days 202-209 (moo)

What did 7 days of vacay get me? 7 pounds added directly to my waistline!

Hello, my name is Bessie and I am a cow.

Mooooooooo.

Days 199-201 (vacay, baby)

Today, Chris, Coop and I are loading up and embarking on our first family vacation and I’m so excited! Last week I was consumed by a nasty case of the nervous nellies (click here for backstory), but an overwhelming sense of summer-lovin’ freedom has since replaced my earlier feelings of anxiousness and unease.

Now, it’s all rah-rah, let’s hit the road.

But, I did not get to this point easily. Aside from my mommy issues, I have been battling the whole wardrobe dilemma. When your closet goes from t---h---i---s to this, your clothing options are severely limited. And, what’s so incredibly weird (and I never expected!) is that every time I went out to find stuff to wear on vacation, I was overcome with dread.

Huh?

Smaller size, more fun stuff to choose from, right?

Sure, in a perfect world. But in mine? Not so much. While I’ve been losing weight, certain areas—specifically my gut—have become less dense than they were before, making them harder to conceal. When your stomach area is as solid as steel (with lard, not muscle), you can throw on a tee and not be concerned about the rolls plowing through. But now that everything’s waaaaay more wiggly and wobbly then it has ever been, the rolls could crash the look of a fur-lined parka.

In a nutshell? My stomach is now the world’s biggest jell-o jiggler!!

Sigh.

I keep reminding myself that this is a necessary evil. That I must endure the waterbed effect on my gut in order to achieve my hot mama mission, but it sooo sucks in the middle of summer. It’s not like I can slap a pair of Spanx on under my Bermudas in 103-degree temps (which it’s supposed to be today! ACK!). I would die of heat stroke.

Anywhoo, after several failed shopping attempts, two semi-successful ones (I say semi because each one netted a return trip to exchange stuff that, upon home bathroom-mirror inspection, looked like sausage casings on my wobbly bits) and one great one, I finally have clothes that I actually feel kinda’ cute in. YAY!

Now, if I can just keep from eating my way toward a 20-pound weight gain over the next seven days …

Days 197-198 (at it again)

In April, Chris, Cooper and I donned our tennis shoes and hit the street for little feet in the March of Dimes, March for Babies walk. It was the first time I'd ever participated in a charity walk and it was amazing. I wondered why I'd never done it before. And now, I must confess, I'm addicted to the feeling of being a part of something bigger, something better.

This former couch cruiser has become a charity-walk junkie! Who'da thunk it!

Chris and I (with Coopie in tow) are now gearing up for two more walks this fall. On September 13, we will be steppin' out in support of the American Heart Association and on September 27 we will picking up the pace for Juvenile Diabetes.

Chris and I have each set a goal of $350 per event and, if we achieve those, that means we'll have raised a whopping $1,400 for the greater good. And doing that, would feel freakin' great!

Day 196 (Weigh Day #29 & $5 boot camp)

Well, guess what? I’m still a lard ass! Who, knew?

I worked extra-hard this past week in the hope of meeting (or at least inching closer to) the weight-loss goal I set last week of 191. Yes, in my post I said I hoped to achieve this by July 21, but um, yeah, NO! Not gonna’ happen. I stepped on the scale this AM and it laughed at me.

I lost a pound. One. Stinkin’. Pound. (yes, that brings my grand total to 34, which is awesome and I've lost nearly 10 inches overall, which DS always stresses is more important than the scale. But, um, he's a guy, he doesn't get a woman's obsession with "the" number. boo.)

Anywhoo, what did that dang hubby of mine lose? 5!!! Five. Woo-hoo, look-at-me, I-rock. Pounds.

Shit head.

Sigh.

On another note, despite the fact that I sucked major monkeys at boot camp last night (which prompted DS to say, “Why are you stopping? You can catch your breath when you’re dead.”), I’m still all gung-ho about getting people to join me in the torture. In fact, one anonymous blog reader posted the following Q earlier today:

“Are there still any openings? If so, how long will the introductory costs apply? This sounds like just what I need! Thank you for sharing.”

Well, fellow sweat seeker, I talked with DS and he said he’s extending the $5 boot camp offer to those who couldn’t make it to last Saturday’s class. Sweet! (Or is it sweat?) Anywhoo, for anyone who’s still interested in checking things out on the cheap, we’ll be there gasping for breath this weekend, same place, same time (click here for details, or call DS directly at 682.556.9487).

Day 195 (lovin’ me some LSD …)

… um, no, not like the uber-hyped drug of the ’60s, but as in a self-described “fluffy butt” in Kentucky who has recently left me some of the most encouraging messages ever.

When I initially started this fatwhacking blogging venture, I was understandably nervous about the comments I might receive. The perceptions I might create. The anonymity of the Internet allows people to spew hate, should they feel so inclined, and as a hefty mama who has endured her fair share of tacky comments, I feared I was opening Pandora’s Box.

Thankfully, however, that box, to this point, has remained closed. A fact which has allowed me to bask in the support and encouragement bestowed upon me by perfect strangers, as well as dear family and friends.

I had hoped that by publicizing my trials (AAAAAALL of them), as well as my triumphs each coated in a thick, yummy batter of self-deprecation and humor that I might, somehow, manage to spark in someone else the desire to defluff the frame. I had also hoped that my online confessions would help to fan the flame of my own dedication and persistence — which tend to be about as consistent as politicians and gas prices.

I have now been at this for 7 months and it has been the best weight-loss experience ever. If I had not made myself accountable online, to those who know me, as well as those who don’t, I know I would have failed in my mommy mission and, well, failure is no longer an option.

While I still have many more boot camps to endure, cups of yogurt and turkey wraps to inhale and about 60 more pounds to lose, I just want to send this sincere shout out to everyone who has cheered me, (teasingly) jeered me and reminded me of why I’m sweating my ass off. I'm working to become the absolute best version of myself that I can be. For Cooper. For Chris. They deserve nothing less. And, I have finally realized, neither do I.

Days 192-194 (boot camp recruits)

Boot camp in Plano last Saturday was a huge hit! DS donned his fatigues and Army boots—gear I haven’t seen since the temps started creeping into the high 90s. We went back to counting-directed exercises, instead of self-directed, meaning being left to see how many squats we can make ourselves do in a minute (Believe me, the counting method is waaaaaaay more effective. Me, slack off??? No way!)

There were about 17 of us sweatin’ it out and I must confess, I had to bust my rear to keep up with the new recruits (damn you physically fit people — Ashley! Denae! Everyone else in front of me during the suicides!), a fact that I have been paying dearly for … my legs have been throbbing since Saturday. I bitched and whinned about the pain, but good Lord it felt good to know I worked so hard! Looking forward to what DS has on tap for today. (hmm, easier to say that when it’s still hours away!!!)

Days 190-191 (break a sweat!)

If you've been following my weigh-loss (mis)adventures, you know of my latest and greatest obsession: boot camp, baby!

I absolutely LUUUV ... to hate ... this workout! I just started my third session and so far I've lost a combined 9.75" in 10 weeks. Not too shabby for a former couch cruiser and total anti-sweater (as in body sweat, not merino wool layered on in the winter).

Anywhoo, here's my point, if you live in the Plano area, there's an awesome opportunity to check out boot camp tomorrow totally on the cheap!

If you’ve never tried boot camp, it’s hard to know what to expect from the workout — a fact that may be a deterrent for many (almost was for me!!!). With that in mind, I finagled a fantastic deal with my DS for this Saturday: an introductory class for only $5.

Tomorrow from 9:30-10:30 you can come and take the boot camp class and get a feel for what it’s all about without a hefty financial investment. If you like it (love it!), great, come back again (and again). If not, well, you sweat your rear off and only invested 5 bucks. Not bad!

Here are the details:
This Saturday Only: $5 boot camp (cost will be $20 per class after this introductory offer)
9:30-10:30 am
Westwood Park, 1001 Westwood Drive, Plano, TX, 75075

*Bring hand weights and an exercise mat (or a beach towel will also work)

This is open to ANYONE who wants to get fit, so please let others know about this great deal!

I'll be breaking a sweat in the AM, come join me (or come make fun of me, ya' know, whatever gets you there)!

Day 189 (Weigh Day #28 & the “L” word)

Shut up! Shuuuut up! (said with the “holy mother! you’ve got to be freakin’ kiddin’ me” exclamation.)

Diana Ross’s I’m Coming Out is playing in the background …
There's a new me coming out
And I just had to live
And I wanna give
I'm completely positive
I think this time around
I am gonna do it
Like you never knew it
Ooh, I'll make it through

And I’m coming out of the closet, which is actually incredibly hard to do when you had know clue you were actually IN the closet.

That’s right folks, I’m … drum roll please …

the “L” word.

I’m a LARGE!

HUH? WHAT the F?

The Double X Diva can now squeeze into a piece of clothing tagged with a one-digit “L”????

Are you shocked? I must be high.

Yesterday at boot camp, DS (finally) had Elite Fitness shirts ready for us to snatch up with our sweaty paws and I was mortified (MOR-TI-FIED!) when he handed me a large.

“Um, no. I can’t wear a large, rude. I need an XL.”

“No, you don’t. And, I don’t have any anyway.”

WHAT?!? Who doesn’t order XL shirts?

Apparently that whole “always stock XLs” rule doesn’t apply to boot camp tees.

I grabbed my tiny tee and hightailed it to my car, completely bummed because I knew the damn tank top (a Large AND sleeveless? This man is nuts!) would NEVER fit.

But. It. Did.

DS’ supplier must do vanity sizing because I can’t imagine being at all ready to shop in the “L” section of a store. I know my big ol’ body isn’t there. Yet.

But this is a good start. In one tiny corner of the “fashion” world, I’m the “L” word. And that rocks!



p.s. Weigh Day #28 did not disappoint! Last week I set a goal to simply maintain my 2-pound weight gain over the 4th of July weekend. But miraculously, I lost a pound. Who-hoo! New goal? To hit a goal I set weeks ago … to slide in at 191 by the time we roll out for summer vacation on July 21.

Day 188 (sweet meat!)

Um, OK, I don’t know if it’s the horizontal stripes expanding the width of my middle by about 100 pounds today or the fact that I chased a 1-year-old around the lake for three days, subsisting mainly on Diet Coke and Twizzlers … but I just snagged one of my Top 10 Greatest Compliments of All Time:

“You’re looking especially skinny today,” coworker PB said. “Did you do something special over the weekend?”

HA! Me? Skinny? The two words used in the same sentence and not in a sad little way that makes me want to inhale a pint of Ben & Jerry’s while commiserating with poor Bridget as she writes in her diary and chain smokes like a fiend??!!?? (Ex. Your friend is so skinny. Why aren’t you skinny? You really shouldn’t try to wear skinny jeans.)

This unexpected compliment, dished out from a highly unexpected source (see first comment ever to fall from said coworker’s lips) makes me exclaim, “sweet meat!” No, there’s no real relevance here, but Holy Hannah it’s just fun to say and it makes me smile … like a school girl downing Diet Coke and chewing on a Twizzler on an especially “skinny” day.

Days 183-187 (dishin’ the details)

Fellow Wylie alum and hilarious mommy blogger, Courtney, recently left me the following comment:

“I have a blog post topic request (I'm so demanding, huh?). Sometime, I want you to blog about what you eat...your diet, etc. Also, are you still taking Alli?”

Well, Courtney, queen of the cow-dung wreaking windy city (this would be Lubbock, the Texas version of Chicago), your request is my command:

I strive* to maintain a “diet” of 1200 calories and 39 grams of fat spread throughout the day—one of the programs suggested by Alli to prevent an ass explosion. (While my fear of having said A.E. at work now prevents me from popping the fat-blocking pills, I do try* to stick to the cal/fat grams. Please note the asterisking of both “strive” and “try” … denoting of course, that I rarely succeed at either. Sigh.)

Anywhoo, on a typical day, early in the AM, about 6ish, I nosh on something to get the metabolism going, usually a serving (3/4 cup) of vanilla and almond Special K (110 calories and 1.5 grams of fat sans milk … I’m not a milk-mush on my cereal kind of girl) or a Nature Valley strawberry yogurt granola bar (140 calories and 3.5 grams of fat).

Then, 3 hours later (I eat something every three hours to fuel the fire), I snack on a serving of animal crackers or pretzels (a count of 16 is about 110 cals and 1.5 grams of fat for each) or a Wal-Mart brand (the best!) vanilla yogurt (80 cals and about 1.5 grams of fat).

Around noon I eat one of the two snacks I didn’t eat at 9 (pretzels/crackers/yogurt), along with a wrap … take one plain flour tortilla, slather on some mustard and slap on two slices of 98-percent fat free turkey—yum-o (don’t remember exact nutrition facts on this one, but it’s purty good).

At 3ish, I inhale the remaining snack. At 6 (or 7 on boot camp nights), I usually eat a large piece of baked chicken or tilapia (mama likes her “meat”) with half of a plain baked potato with salt/pepper and salad supreme (this is the BEST for adding cheesy taste with little cals) or rice or raw carrots with ranch dip (ooh, bad girl!).

After Coop’s tucked in bed and BEFORE 8 (I don’t eat after 8) I indulge in a 100-calorie snack pack of fudge stripes or lorna doone cookies or a slice of angel food cake with cool whip (you must say whip like Stewie on the Family Guy … whhhhhip).

Sprinkle in about half a dozen Diet Pepsis and two or three bottles of water with crystal light on-the-go mixed in for funzies and there you have it … a snapshot of my trough on a good* day.

You may have noticed an alarming absence of any fresh fruits or veggies (or canned/frozen/hermetically sealed fruits or veggies for that matter) in my menu. Um, yeah, I hate ‘em, so I rarely eat ‘em, but, I have been known to sneak in carrots, apples and the occasional banana. I loathe this about myself, but try as I might, I can’t keep the gag reflex from letting any of the “good stuff” go down. Perhaps I should look into hypnotherapy for help. I sure as shit don’t want Coop to be as obnoxious in his eating habits as I am.

Anywhoo, on Tuesdays and Thursdays (and now Saturday mornings starting this week) I do boot camp for an hour, which, according to one calorie-burn calculator, sweats off more than 700 calories … yippee! Two other nights (I take two nights off) I walk on the treadmill or hit the park and do some of the strength training exercises from BC.

If I were able to stick to this plan for more than a few days at a time, I’m sure the weight would be melting off. But, I’m weak and a weiner, so I deal with the set backs and keep pushing forward.

Hope this helps! If you have ANY tips, please dish!!!

Days 175-182 (Weigh Days #26 and #27)

Hello world, I’m a slacker—both in my blogging and in my hot mama mission. It’s been 8 days since my last fatwacker confession and equally as long since I worked diligently toward my goal of shedding some tonnage. Oops.

But, like any good fat girl, I do have great justifications for my slip-up(s). My mom was in town over the weekend (we had tickets to see Hairspray – love it! YAY for the chubby gal who gets the guy!) and I didn’t want to think about calories/fat grams/working out … I just wanted to enjoy my time with her. So. I. Did. And I ate my way through just about every minute she was here. It was heaven spread on a cracker!

Then, my lil’ sis made me an auntie on Monday and who am I to stand in the way of a fresh-baby celebration that includes big breakfasts, big dinners and lots of snacking in between? Not me. I’m not going to be the pooper at that party.

Anywhoo, needless to say, my last two weigh days have been in the plus category, as in plus in pounds, not in success. Last Wednesday (Weigh Day #26) I logged in at 195 and this AM (Weigh Day #27) I added yet another pound, 196.

I boot camped yesterday (major suckage) and did well on the eating, my total caloric intake was 950, but I have happy hour tonight and then I dive straight into a long 4th-of-July weekend at the lake, so I’m not really holding out much hope that my willpower will be strong enough to withstand the temptations (the food and drink kind, not the band).

I think my goal will be to simply maintain for the next weigh day, if I can keep from tacking on another pound over the next few days, I’ll consider that a small (very small) victory.

(Sidenote: Montana, you are sooo cute, I just want to eat you up! But, rest easy little one, I said ... and still say that about Coop ... and he's still alive, flinging cheerios in every direction. There are just too many calories in babies, lol. Love you Monti G!!! Welcome to the world baby girl.)