fat chants

TTTC: HCG Days 2-5

2010-05-17T15:14:00.006-05:00

Day 2: The last day of my doctor-prescribed gorge fest went deliciously well and, really, how could it not when it involved the guilt-free consumption of a “few” of my favorite things: zebra cakes (bless you, Little Debbie!!) a Chili’s triple play (chicken crispers, cheese sticks, boneless buffalo wings) and the remaining slice(s) of brownie cheesecake. Smack. Slurp. Swallow. Sigh…

It was, save for my heinous sinus infection, a little bit of heaven.

And, then hell set in.

Day 3: Saturday, my first official 500-calorie day, started with my sickness ratcheted up by about a gazillion (I thought a steroid shot, antibiotics and mucinex woulda’ killed the nasty booger after a couple of days!). I was only in the full and upright position for about 3 hours (those were not consecutive). But, this was not the only source of my fun … the snot-induced misery was matched by the sudden and unrelenting explosion of pelvic pain.

Until Saturday, the pain-level during the three weeks prior had been tolerable. But holy Hannah … let’s just say there was tear-age … like full on crocodile tears. The progression is like it was last summer when endometriosis was suspected (and officially diagnosed via surgery in Oct), I just never expected it all to come rushing back with such force.

Like any good, hormonally challenged chica, I abided by my new eating methods until the pain was too great and I gave into a drive-through dinner at McDonald’s.

Day 4: Thankfully Sunday was better. I took my shot like a good little junkie, ate my 500 calories and went to sleep patting myself on the back (and sleeping on a heating pad) for a day well done.

Day 5: So far so good. I’ve been forcing myself to drink more water (I’ve never been good at this) and as soon as all remnants of snot leakage have left, I will start the difficult process of weaning myself off the diets (diet dr. pepper, diet pepsi, diet coke … my 3 BFFs). These aren’t on the HCG plan (that just hurts my heart) and so we must break up … but slowly. I can’t go cold turkey, it’s just too cruel.

Also waiting to hear back from the doc's office, re: surgery ... no crocodile face today, but if they can't get me in soon, they may become my permanent expression (how hot would that be!)

weight loss to date: 4 pounds in 5 days

TTTC: Fat Stats

2010-05-16T18:35:00.002-05:00

A few things a friend should never (have to) say ... eek gats!

TTTC: HCG Day 1

2010-05-13T20:11:00.006-05:00

Chocolate chip waffle. Breakfast burrito. Hash browns. Twix. Cheese enchiladas. Three Musketeers. Ice cream. Chicken parmesan. Fettuccini alfredo. Garlic rolls. Cupcake. Cheesecake. Bleck …

On a normal day, I’d say I’d just about blown my diet with this long, fat-laden list of yumminess. But, today is no normal day. Today is day 1 of the 70-day HCG diet. It’s called Force Feed and my friends, I have forced my feed until I can barely move. And I have to wash, rinse, repeat again tomorrow.

Last Friday I found out that I’d be heading back in for yet another surgery to remove painful endometriosis (and possibly my appendix and right ovary) — just six months after the last one. I didn’t think the pelvic pain would return so fast, but here I am … heating pad in hand.

Anywhoo, my dear friend Jeri Lyn, looking a svelte 15 pounds thinner since the last time I’d seen her (she dropped the weight in two weeks!) told me that she’d just started the HCG diet (google it for details … involves 46 shots and a very low calorie diet after two insane days of gluttony) and I was immediately intrigued. Facing another procedure and knowing that the best chances for baby would be in the window right after, I realized it was time to ramp up my weight-loss efforts. In a BIG way.

So, I talked to my doc (Jeri’s amazing dad, Billy Don) and decided I wanted to give HCG a go. It sounds insane (impossible!?) that there’s a diet out there that promises (delivers!?) a 1-3 pound weight loss each day, but stranger things have happened (hello, I did willingly eat lettuce the other day!).

Can't wait to see what the next 45 days hold (umm ... drop!). Bring on the hot mama. :)

PRE HCG pics (total yumness, I know... the hubs must be sooo proud)

p.s. Will post video tomorrow of Jeri going over my fat stats ... total greatness!

TTTC: oh, rejoice

2010-05-11T18:00:00.005-05:00

Do you know what today is? It's a dieter's dream day. It's the one day a year where the powers that be have come together and granted us all guilt-free permission to indulge in the deliciousness of ... whatever we want!

Woo-hoo world, it's Eat What You Want Day!!! (no, seriously, click YUMMO for the full-flavored, calories-don't-count details.)

It's Christmas, birthdays and an amazing shoe sale all rolled into one perfectly baked cheesecake type of day!

Aww, I can smell the chicken parm now ... ok, I imagine I can smell it. A nasty cold and chest pain has me curled in the fetal position (next to my laptop) and unable to enjoy the greatness that is a junk foodie's delight, but perhaps I can get a rain check? A get one free card? A sorry-you're-sick-so-enjoy-a-week-rather-than-just-a-day pass?

TTTC: Whuz dat?

2010-05-04T20:07:00.005-05:00

Picture it ... a mom and son cuddling in bed just before lights out, Wonder Pets playing softly in the background. Mom kisses son and says, "I love you." Son kisses mom, grabs her third chin and says, "Whuz dat, Mommy?"

Precious moment busted by blubber.

I told my inquisitive tot that it was my stuffing, to which he replied, "Oooooh, soft," and pet my third chin as if it were a baby bunny.

TTTC: Lettuce Give Thanks

2010-04-28T19:06:00.003-05:00

I did something today, something huge, something I have only done one other time in my entire life…

I ordered lettuce on my sandwich!

I have loathed lettuce with every fiber of my being (and virtually all other fruits and veggies save for the “badder” ones … corn, potatoes, apples, pickles, ketchup — yes, the last two totally count!).

I have snarled and gagged and hidden the earthy foods when no one’s looking for 31 years. But, thanks to an amazing experience, this is no longer the case. Woo-hoo!

To overcome my fears, phobias and down-right detestation for all things healthy, I took the road less traveled … I saw a hypnotherapist.

I chronicle my journey in the June issue of DallasChild magazine (I’ll post when the article is available), but I was so proud of today’s milestone, I just had to share this delicious, leafy green taste of progress. Yum!

Bonus? Three weeks into my company’s Biggest Loser competition (we have weigh-day Wednesdays) I’ve officially lost 4% of my mass.

TTTC: Spanx You!

2010-04-26T19:45:00.003-05:00

Aww, there’s nothing like a new car to make you feel … fat. For the past 10 years I’ve been in some sort of SUV — the higher-up stature lets one (regardless of mass) slide easily in and out of its seats. No ducking, tucking or squatting required.

The same can not be said for the car.

The car, I’ve quickly noticed, sucks you — every squishy bit of you — into its cushy seats and doesn’t let go.

This past weekend, the hubs and I traded in my Jeep Laredo for a Ford Fusion … (much) better gas mileage (I drive an hour each way to work — eek) and a smaller monthly payment. We’re whittling down expenses to make way for Baby No. 2 (we’re not preggars, just making plans) and the monthly savings will go far in helping to feather the nest — woo-hoo.

I LOVE driving my new mama mobile — it feels sporty and sassy and fun (and the interior is incredibly roomy) — but, getting in and out of it wreaks havoc on my psyche. You know that feeling when you pull off your Spanx at the end of a long day … that sudden explosion of self? Yep, that’s me, only my Spanx (in this case) is several tons of red-toned steel.

Guess we didn't just buy a mom mobile, we bought some serious motivation. :)

Third Time’s the Charm: Here We Grow Again

2010-04-20T20:48:00.003-05:00

Well, well, well … look who’s back and bigger than ever!! Yep, it’s me … much, much more of me (I’m thinking Kirstie Alley and I are soul sisters).

Like any good addict (where’s the Intervention TV crew for the fatties??), I have well-thought out excuses for my relapse:

summer/fall: endured months of agonizing pelvic pain (I feed pain) and subsequent surgeries (I feed surgery) for a kidney stone and insane amounts of endometriosis

winter: my mom was in and out of the hospital for three months (I feed emotional distress) with her own major surgery (I feed other people’s surgeries)

spring: half-off sale on chocolate Easter bunnies and crème eggs (I feed chocolate euphoria) …

So, here I am, two burgers away from being back to my heaviest weight ever on record. It’s a proud, proud moment.

But, as they say, the third time’s the charm and I’m hoping/praying/crossing fingers this old adage holds true for me, the want-to girl with often little can-do.

stay tuned …

day 110: bite me

2009-06-17T15:14:00.003-05:00

No, really. Someone please bite me ... and take with you a huge chunk of fleshy fatness, maybe then I'll lose some weight! Some how, in the last seven days I have managed to GAIN 4.2 pounds!

I've been working out, eating better (and more frequently to keep the metabolism up), but clearly that slip-up at the Dairy Queen drive-thru last Sunday did me in. Damn those enticing blizzard commericals. Damn. Damn. Damn.

I have just 13.5 days left in the weight-loss competition at work and the current leaders have lost 6, 7 and 9% to my paltry little 3%. Boo.

It's time to rethink my strategy.

day 103: in the homestrech

2009-06-10T13:08:00.002-05:00

ACK! Just weighed in my office "Biggest Loser" challenge. Pfft!

Though I did really well with food choices this past week (not one ding dong passed these lips), my efforts weren't rewarded with a great number. In fact, the scale taunted me with a mere .4 pound loss ... I think the damn thing even said, "Mwaaahahaha!" when the display read 206.8. What a B.

Hit the gym at lunch and knocked out 300 calories on the eliptiKILL, who-hoo. Just need to do that 12 times everyday for the next 21 days and I should be all set. ;)

Anywhoo, 9 weeks down, three left to go, with 13.8 pounds left to shed to reach my personal goal.

day 96: Fat Chants article

2009-06-04T10:55:00.003-05:00

My lastest Fat Chants article has just been published over on Moms Out Loud (yay!). Check it out here ...

p.s. It was written a few days ago, so it doesn't reflect this AM's success on the scale. ;)

day 96: half-way, baby

2009-06-04T08:30:00.001-05:00

At my highest (which was, understandably, one of the lowest points in my life), I tipped the scales at a whopping 260 big ones. It was the height of my infertility issues and I ate to fill the void in my heart. But, post-fertility procedures/specialist/meds, I shed 45 pounds and got preggars.

Now, two-plus years later I am thrilled to report that I am more than half-way to my “goal weight” of 155(ish) — I use “goal weight” loosely as I don’t have a clue what anything below 193 looks like on me (and a trainer I talked to said BMI is total bubkis). ;)

I weighed this AM and am back down to 207, which means I’ve relost the 11 pounds (5% of body weight) I dropped during the first month of the Biggest Loser challenge at work (down 53 from highest point/20%)! In the big-picture view, 11 pounds isn’t much compared to what I still need to “defluff,” but, as anyone who’s ever battled weight issues (and the deeply rooted emotional ties that come along with them) knows, ANY loss is something to celebrated (w/o the cake, of course).

So, this is me, shouting from the roof tops, “who-hoo! I’m half-way, baby!”

Four weeks left to go … hope to kick some serious coworker butt.

day 94: something to think about

2009-06-02T21:49:00.002-05:00

This post is a bit of a departure from my typical food-related rants, but I felt compelled to share this post (which is also on my parenting blog):

Motherhood: it’s an experience fraught with contradictions. It is at once beautiful and messy, exhilarating and exhausting, amazing and agonizing. It is a winding journey that is so filled with certainty and uncertainty, with self-confidence and self-doubt that most of us never really know which way is up (or down for that matter … although crunch a Lego with your bare foot in the middle of the night and you’ll quickly remember).

That said, it is amazing to me that once we cross that threshold from womanhood to motherhood, that we don’t automatically assume a “solidarity” type of mentality. I think supporting our fellow mamas should complete our transformation — wider hips, droopy boobs, empathy for anyone who sleeps with Cheerios in the bed and wears snot remnants on her sleeve.

I’m the first to admit that my automatic compassion switch didn’t flick “on” when Cooper came out. But an e-mail I received tonight has made it clear that I need to super glue, nail, duct tape my switch to the full and upright position … I don’t ever want to be responsible for making another mom feel the way I do right now:

“You and Chris cannot tell me how much you love little Cooper UNTIL you show yourselves that you love him enough to stop the food addiction cycle.”

This is just a small portion from an e-mail written in response to Sunday's post.

It is the only sentence that matters.

I believe in my heart of hearts that the sender wrote out of love and concern. I know the intentions were good. But daring to question my love for my son … that simply negates any good that was intended.

I’m truly at a loss …

day 93: holy headache

2009-06-01T18:53:00.000-05:00

Yow-zah! I always loathe the return from gluttony … it gives me a raging headache — I’m currently nearing migraine level. UGH. But, I deserve it … it’s my body’s way of reminding me what an idiot I’ve been (just wish the reminder didn’t have to be quite so intense).

Aside from the vice grip on my brain, today has been pretty good, like waffle (plain whole-grain, low-fat), vanilla yogurt, lean pocket kind of good. I won’t be attempting the gym, as my vision is pretty suspect at this point, but going from the all-you-can-eat ding-dong buffet (wow, does that sound as euphemistic to anyone else, lol?) to low-cal, low-fat is a great start.

Bonus? This throbbing head situation will have my big ol’ butt in bed as soon as Cooper says, “night, night,” which means less hours to look longingly at the fridge.

day 92: coming out of the closet

2009-05-31T17:29:00.004-05:00

Oops, sorry Tammy ... here ya' go, thrilled to know someone's still reading. ;)

Do you know where I found myself at 6:05 Friday morning? Sitting in my closet, eating a ding dong. And, as pathetic as that may sound, it wasn’t my first … nor was it my last that day (I also went on to eat donuts at the office, cheese enchiladas for lunch, more donuts on the way home and an Italian feast for dinner).

Sitting in my closet, not tasting the cake, but rather inhaling it, I shoved the last bite in my mouth just as the hubs walked in. BUSTED. Oops.

I chalk the non-stop eat-a-thon up to that fun little hormone surge that signals the start of the monthly yuck (some days I totally long for boy parts). Well, PMS and a complete disregard for my hot mama mission (and anything not related to food and/or its consumption).

In all honesty though, I’ve been a pretty bad little binger lately … so much so that hiding in the closet doesn’t come as much of a shock to me …

I did really well the week before … focused and determined. But with Cooper’s 2nd birthday BBQ bash last Saturday, well, I let the food fly … straight down the gullet, filling my gut until I literally cringed in pain. Niiiiice!

I know I’m an emotional eater, I know my triggers, which for most heavyweights is the greatest truth … if you know the problem, then you can seek to fix it (or avoid it, or have a plan in place to deal with it). But lately, I’ve given myself license to be weak.

But, as much as I know my issues, I also know how to get back on track — a project! So, I dedicated today as “garage clean-out” day. I love, love, love to clean out. Read: HATE to clean, LOVE to clean OUT. I’ve always found the purging of things and the organizing of stuff to be a completely cathartic experience. Plus, thanks to the early on-set of sweltering Texas temps, I could see the ding dongs and donuts literally sweating out of my pores. YAY!

Nearly five hours and a gallon of water later, I feel really, really good (well, emotionally anyway, physically my back and hips are reeling from the sudden exertion, but even that reminds me that I lifted something more than a ding dong today, who-hoo!).

There are about 3 weeks left in my office Biggest Loser challenge and I intend to make the most of them. I’ve lost (and gained) the same 11 pounds over and over since the start of the competition 9 weeks ago. And I know if I don’t work my rear off to get under 200 by the end of it, I will be completely disgusted with myself (not to mention, I’m still dying to zip up that damn zipper, lol).

It’s my goal to weigh-in at 193 at the end of Biggest Loser … that’s the number I was at last summer when I was totally on track. So, back to blogging (it always helps!), back to the gym and back to being the on-track me I know I can be…which means coming (and staying) out of the closet. ;)

p.s. We have weigh-in on Wednesday, so I’ll post then how far I am from goal. I started the challenge at 218. And have been at 207 off and on throughout … would love to hear from anyone else sweatin’ through the summer!

Update Coming Tonight!

2009-05-29T16:29:00.001-05:00

Promise! ;)

day 57: catch-up

2009-04-26T14:03:00.003-05:00

OOPS. I've been a bad little blogger lately. I've taken on a chunk of freelance work lately, so, if i'm not at work, working, I'm at home, working, which leaves precious little time for anything else. And while I'm EXHAUSTED on the weekends, the influx of projects has certainly kept my mind off food, which is huge, and one of my top secrets for success (the rest are outlined in my lasted Fat Chants article on MomsOutLoud.com, click here for details).

As I have about 20 loads of laundry to do (already up to 4200 steps logged just doing chores! who-hoo!! ... huge since there are just 2 weeks left in the walking challenge at work), so I'll keep the rest of this short and sweet.

The first weigh in at work (1st of 12 in the biggest loser-style challenge): showed a 7 pound weigh loss! SWEET! But, I still tied for best efforts in week 1 with the big-mouthed, bald coworker who is my sole reason for busting butt on this ... he's goin' down! ;) We both lost 3% body fat the first week.

The second weigh in (which was this past Wednesday), wasn't so hot. I was bad, bad, bad the weekend going into week two, so i gained a pound (still down 6 overall, though). But, boo, the big-mouthed, bald coworker sailed ahead, losing a combined 5%.

Gotta' pick up the pace and gain some ground in week 3. There's a side bet on this between the big-mouthed, bald coworker and two others .... there's 200 bucks on the line, winner takes all! Mama needs some money! ;)

Gotta' get back to laundry ... and steps! Goal is 11 miles walked today.

day 40: bring it on

2009-04-09T04:46:00.013-05:00

If you happended by my latest Fat Chants article over on MomsOutLoud.com, then you know that yesterday was a big'en.

April 8 kicked off the American Heart Association's National Start! Walkling Day, which means my company's 4-week walking challenge also got underway. Last year, my team Hot Soles, logged enough tread to be crowned the "golden shoe" victors and I have high hopes that this year's girl-powered team, 10 Feet of Fabulous (that's us up there in the pink) will continue the tradition. But, as one of my former team mates(2008 top individual walker winner) announced yesterday in our all-staff meeting, his team, the Dead Sexy Hiking Hooligans, is in it to win it.

The gauntlet has been thrown! Let the games --ahem -- walking begin!

Oh, but wait, there's more...(don't cha just love when people say that). Yesterday also started a 12-week "Biggest Loser" style weight loss challenge -- another title I fully intend to take home. Why? Because I feed on competition (instead of calories, well, now anyway)? Because I'm a perfection-seeking crazy lady who hates to be second best? Or, could it be for the simple joy of puttin' the kabosh on all the smack talk spewing from the little bald man in my department who won this challenge two years ago and who assumes it's in the bag this year? But. Of. Course. Oh, and I'd like to note, speaking of spew, the said bald man just so happens to be the same fellow who was the first to toss his cookies during boot camp last summer. ;) (Sorry G, you know i totally *heart* you, but you're going down.

And, on that note, I quote my friend, fellow boot-camp survivor and colleague, Hillary, "I'm not in it to win it, I'm in it to lose!"

Boys ... bring it on!

day 38: playing catch-up

2009-04-07T21:12:00.002-05:00

My apologies to all 5 people who read this blog for my lack of postings as of late ... i've been crazy busy with work work, freelance work, getting side-business off the ground work, pro bono writing work, wife work, mommy work and yes, though it may come as a shock to my parents, yard work.

Not so much work being done on my hot-mama mission, though. But, I swear there is a "good" reason. Details will be revealed in my lastest Fat Chants installment over at MomsOutLoud.com on Thursday.

p.s. Um, I'm new to this whole "follower" business and my glaringly obvious blank box at left is quite sad ... won't someone help me fill it up? Accounatbility is the name of the game when it comes to fat loss. ;)

day 27: mama says ...

2009-03-27T07:54:00.003-05:00

After yesterday’s debut of Fat Chants over on MomsOutLoud, I started hearing from lots of mama friends who too, were struggling.

YAY!

Not yay in the fact that there are other moms out there whose parts have expanded beyond the confines of their closet-worth of clothing (believe me, the ladies quoted below have ALWAYS looked amazing … like make-ya-wanna’-puke amazing). But rather yay in the way they each shared their own story. I truly, truly believe that stepping up and speaking out — if only to your lifelong friends — is a powerful (necessary) action in overcoming whatever it is that’s holding you back (for me, it’s my complete and utter co-dependence with any food not grown in the ground!).

As they say, misery loves company … well, so do mommies looking for a way to be the absolute best they can be for their families...

here's to company, to compassion, to commiserating, to admitting our weaknesses and embracing our strengths ... go, mamas, go:

“I too struggle with the day-to-day gorging of sweets and salties! It's sooo freakin’ hard. To think I was once an athletic, toned, hot girl at 125 lbs. I hate who I see in the mirror and go back and forth with weight loss. I'll lose 17 pounds and gain them all back faster than you can say burrito supreme. I have a promise to myself to lose 30 pounds before I turn 30 (which is June 7th). It's not just about me anymore! My family needs an energetic and healthy woman to man the helm of this chaotic boat. Hang in there!! We can do this together! Love ya!”

“I read your Fat Chants blog … really cool. I have gained 15 lbs since last summer with the tubing leg injury, then in November my back went out. So I have eaten and eaten and not worked out! I need motivation to get off my butt and workout. Trying the acai berry thing, don't think it's doing much.You have inspired me and I will keep up with your weight loss!! Sucks when you don't have any clothes that fit!”

“This is so great, good luck. You know, I need some motivation myself. For some reason, when I have the choice between playing with the baby and working out, the baby always wins. Being a mommy has turned me into one big lazy ass. I'll stay tuned for your future write-ups. Maybe you'll help motivate me, too! :)”

day 24: before & after(s)

2009-03-24T20:40:00.008-05:00

Typically when someone shows you their before and afters, it's the latter pic that's most impressive. But, ya' know I like to work in reverse. ;)

Digging through some old pics last night, I found one I was particularly fond of ...

This is my BEFORE, taken last July on the banks of the Guadalupe River.

And now, for your viewing pleasure ... my AFTER(S)

Same pants, plus 8 months of age and 15 pounds of ooey, gooey "goodness" seeping out the front. Dead. Sexy. (props to my sidekick for covering up some of the pudge.) ;)

And because two pics aren't humiliation enough ...

Yep, that's a nice 6 inches of gut hanging out of my absolutely, no-way-in-hell-is-that-gonna'-zip zipper. Who-hoo (one can only imagine how much that woulda' been a month ago before i dropped a quick 20! Those sad little pants probably woulda' just laughed in my face as they saran-wrapped my thighs and refused to budge).

I detailed this fun little experiment in my first Fat Chants column debuting Thursday over at Moms Out Loud. Check it out here when you have a chance.

Until then, here's a summary: the pants go moo, the seams go sigh and I set a goal to zip that friggin' zipper by the end of May.

day 13: part two

2009-03-10T14:44:00.002-05:00

On January 3, 2008, I posted the following:

“I have devised a plan that will ensure my ultimate success. I will skip the popping of powerful appetite suppressants, or adopting anorexic tendencies and will, instead, completely, totally, utterly humiliate myself on the world wide web … I can’t be accountable only to myself or to my hubby … I’m stuck with me and hell, let’s face it, he is too. I need to be accountable to the world.”

Well, flash forward 431 days and I would now like to recant the whole appetite suppressant statement (I *heart* my pills), but other than that, it’s business as usual.

Oh, but there is this one thing that I’ve learned about my original hot mama mission. In order for the whole accountability by blog to work, you have to, umm, blog!

So, I’m upping the ante and I’m going global.

OK, maybe not global, but the blog is about to get bigger. At the end of this month some of my rantings will be carried on Moms Out Loud — a fantastic online community for D-FW mamas by D-FW mamas that features everything and anything local ladies need/want.

So. Stinkin’. Excited.

So. Stinkin’. Scared.

Failing “in front” of the three people who read this little blog is one thing (thanks mom!), failing in front of who knows how many, well … that’s a whole other tub of chunky monkey ice cream. But, that’s what I wanted, right? “I need to be accountable to the world.”

I’m hoping this new adventure will keep me moving forward because going back is no longer an option.

Fingers are crossed. Hopes are high. Calories are right were they should be. ;)

Oh, and big news: Since “Thin Wednesday” I've lost 11 pounds (that's 11 lumps in 13 days)! Who-hoo!!!

day 6: here’s the deal

2009-03-03T08:44:00.003-06:00

Somewhere between complete obsession and complete apathy I lost my way when it came to the hot mama mission I started more than a year ago. I’ll be honest, I knew what I was doing.

It started when the face staring back at me in the mirror looked like a distorted version of the one I had always known. As someone who’s been heavy her entire life, I’ve always dreamed of what it would be like to snag anything off the rack and have it fit like a glove (rather than a sausage casing). But, dreams often have a way of becoming twisted in reality.

Though I was still a hefty chica, there was a much smaller heft than there once had been and I suddenly found myself afraid of the unfamiliar territory.

So, I sabotaged. I was like an anorexic in reverse. I ate everything I could and willed myself to regain the weight I’d lost. And, fortunately/unfortunately I succeeded. It’s complete lunacy, I know, but the mind is a sneaky lil’ devil.

Somewhere along the line, I lost control of what I was doing and spiraled beyond where I had intended to go. The message became, “eeh, what’s another 5 pounds?”

Five lead to another 5 and then another and another until I was two pounds shy of where I had started.

And then I was scared. I couldn’t let myself cross that line.

So, here I am, starting over, rather than charting continued progress.

But, that’s completely OK. That’s the great thing about life … second helpings and second chances. ;)

When I was battling infertility a few years ago, the specialist said losing weight was one of the things I could do to help improve my chances of becoming a mama. So I did. I lost 45 pounds.

But, I had help. Help I have sought again.

Since I allowed myself to be swallowed by the emotional cycle of eating these past few months, there was no way for me to get my mind right and ready to tackle this challenge again.

So, I called the doc and got a Rx for an old friend … phentermine.

Yes, it’s half of the infamous phen/phen, but for me, it works. It takes the edge off, it’s like the chubby chick’s nicotine patch. And I love it!

I wish I could do this on my own, but, right now I can’t. And I’m OK with that. I still have to muster all the willpower in my world not to submit to the emotional triggers that make me want to plow through a box of Girl Scout cookies. It’s still me taking on the beast every single day, I just happen to be packing heat this time. ;)

There’s also a second step in my new plan of attack, but details on that to come later …

Until then, I’m hitting the gym, eating light and doing the best I can.

day 1: starting over

2009-02-25T20:25:00.003-06:00

I promised to announce my new and improved hot mama mission today, but as I still have laundry to do and bags to pack before I head out of town tomorrow, the "big reveal" will just have to wait.

But I do have something to confess. I went to the doc on Monday for a routine physical, which, since I haven't had a physical since I "played" tennis in high school, it was less routine and more what-the-hell-have-you-been-doing-to-yourself?!? It seems (though it comes as no surprise to me) that I've gained back all but two of the pounds I worked so hard to shed last year.

Nice, right??

In a mere six months, I have packed on a whopping 33 pounds! Mom must be so proud. ;)

So, I'm taking this huge backslide as motivation to start again, to reclaim my size 14s and then shrink right on past 'em.

Details on how I'm gonna' do it to come ... stay tuned.

Fat Tuesday

2009-02-24T10:29:00.006-06:00

Whoo-hoo. I'm Fat and it's Tuesday ... bring on the gluttony! ;)

Tomorrow, on what I have dubbed Thin Wednesday, I will be revealing my new hot-mama mission plan of attack.

But, until then, I will revel in the deliciousness that is Mardi Gras!!!

p.s. I wanna' be this chick (photo courtesy of the hubs and his camera phone ... both of which were in New Orleans over the weekend) ... yes, she's embracing her birthday suit with a lil' body paint ... gotta love her, um, balls?

Days 339-365 (countdown to expo)

2008-12-30T12:46:00.002-06:00

Yep, I've been MIA for awhile ... I thought I had my food demons beat last go 'round but boy was I wrong (wrong! wrong!). Those suckers reared their ugly little heads (which just so happen to look exactly like french fries and cheesecake, go figure!)the past few weeks and I gave in.

But, with less than two weeks until I have to work a week-long tradeshow in Vegas in a shirt I ordered a size too small (as motivation to get back in gear), I am now in panic mode! (what a doof!)

The office is in super-drive getting everything ready for Expo ... even calling in heaping plates of pasta and breadsticks for everyone to nosh on while they work ... not this chubbo, though. I hightailed it to the gym and snagged a plain baked potato and grilled chicken breast on the way back ... yummo. ;)

I hope daily workouts and mini meals will help me squeeze my way into my shirt. If not, the world will hear my sobs all the way from the Vegas strip. ;)

p.s. While I was on the eliptiKILL today (cusing the machine and myself), something caught my attention. It wasn't the hard-body workout Barbie I idolize or the beefcake boy with the rippling muscles (yes, they were there, but that's another story) ... it was a flash of metal. It was A WALKER! In a GYM! HUH? I angled for a better view and saw a white-haired woman in her late 60s doing working her way through a set of arms. It wasn't until she made her off the machine and to the water fountain that was I became in complete aww of her ... the walker was hers! Not a friend's (my first suspicion), but hers. She pushed her way out the door and I then pushed myself to burn an extra 50 calories. Thanks for the inspiration! ;)

Days 338-339 (my chad crandfords are killin' me)

2008-12-04T16:19:00.003-06:00

So, last week it was my Suzanne Summers that were killing me (a la the infamous thigh master era). This week it's my calves, which have been named the Chad Cranfords after a coworker who has great ones (or so CG has informed me).

Previously terrified of the eliptiKILL (because literally I felt I was dying after 2 minutes on that thing), I am happy to report that today I was able to rock out 30 minutes on that bad boy. Who-hoo!

I'm sure my cavemates weren't happy about the wretched gym stench I brought back with me after that monumentous feat, but, well, we're a team, and if I'm suffering, they have to, too. That's how the world works, right? ;)

On another note, I am sooo happy to have a fellow blogger joining me in the be-accountable-to-the-world ranks. Shelly over at Sawatzky Survivors has just launched her weight-loss blog One Pound at a Time and it's awesome. And I'm so stinkin' jealous. Her current weight (she looks amazing) is where I was this summer ... I wanna' be back there. NOW. UGH. Seeing her has made me realize how much I've backtracked and I'm more irritated and more motivated than ever. So for that, I'm totally grateful she's sharing her weight woes with the world. ;) Go gett'em girl! I'm right behind ya'.

Days 328-337 (let's talk turkey)

2008-12-02T16:00:00.005-06:00

Last Monday, I embarked on a fitness challenge with coworker Gage (CG). And, knowing that possible humiliation in the workplace and probable humiliation online loomed before me should I not complete my latest weight-loss goal (17 fatties by Christmas, click here for backstory), we opted to up the ante with a financial twist.

So, here’s the deal. CG and I have to hit the gym at lunch four days a week (we get a one-day reprieve). And, if because of laziness/slothness/whateverness either of us skips more than one workout per week (sick babies are an exception) we have to pony up 5 bucks for each missed sweat session. (Um, yeah mama's buying a house in exactly 13 days … mama ain’t got no cash … and therein lies the 1-2 punch. ;) )

Anywhoo, smart as I am, I thought starting this new regime the week of Thanksgiving would be a fantastic idea. I’m a genius, I tell, total genius!

We worked out on Monday (a little sore, but nothing to complain to Mom about). Skipped Tuesday (we had a company lunch thing). And went back on Wednesday (worked the wings … YOWZA!!!).

I was shocked and amazed when, at 9:30 Turkey Day morning, I found all of my wobbly bits wobbling all over the dreadmill while watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (I could so relate to those poor blimps wafting down the street). Yay me!

But, my fitness fire was quickly extinguished as I a gluttonously ate my way through the remainder of the holiday weekend, coming up for air only briefly between bites.

But, like any good chunky monkey with a great financial burden to bare, I climbed back up on that eliptiKILL today (Coop was sick yesterday), worked the legs on weights (targeting my Suzanne Somers … youch!) and am now exhausted and sore.

YES!

Just 23 days left to achieve my goal.

Days 323-327 (enough is enough)

2008-11-23T17:12:00.004-06:00

When you do really well at overhauling your life (well, in the eating/working out departments) and then suddenly derail for no apparent reason, it can be incredibly difficult to get back on track. I’ve tried (and failed) many, many times since August, but really, until you get your mind right, you’re just spinning your wheels.

Well, I’m tired of spinning. I’m ready to get going again. And here’s why:

1.) In mid January I’ll be working my company’s ginormous trade show (in Vegas, baby! Who-hoo) for a week. And, if I don’t get my endurance back up, I’m gonna’ be sweatin’ like a pig and be all kinds of exhausted. Not a purty sight (unless in the confines of a gym).

2.) We have to wear “uniforms” at the show, which I tried on on Friday. BLECK! The button-down shirts all the girls wear go up to a 2XL, but if your fluff doesn’t fit in that size, you have to slip into a totally different style shirt … HELL NO! I tried on the 2XL (it runs small) and it was tight across my back and across the ladies in front. Was NOT cute. Then I tried on the 3XL, it was huge … I looked 6 mos preggars. I REFUSE to be the only one wearing a different shirt simply because I can’t keep my hands off Ben & Jerry (don’t judge, they’re hot, lol!).

3.) Also in January, I’ll turning, dum-da-dum-dum-duuuuuuum: 30!!! I don’t want to walk into my 30s with the lingering doubt and insecurities of my 20s (which have taken up residence in my chins/cheeks/guts/girls).

4.) I made a promise last year that I would do this for Cooper. I would do this for Chris. And I would do this for myself. And I did, for awhile. But somewhere along the way I got tired of the fight and I gave up, gave in. And because of that, guilt follows me everywhere, as does my lethargy and feelings of inadequacy, ugliness and shame.

So, here I am, just a few days before the biggest feast of the year and I am resolving that tomorrow will be a new day. A new chance to start again. It won’t be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is, right?

My first goal is to lose the 17 pounds I’ve put back on by Christmas. That’s 32 days from now, a little less than half a pound a day. If I hit the gym and eat well, I know I can do this. I have to do this.

PICS:
The pants are Old Navy khakis, size 14 … they fit about three months ago.
The white tee is a plain jane shirt, also a size 14 … it too fit about three months ago.

I will be taking pics in this outfit once a week to track progress. As I'm completely mortified by these photos, I'm counting on the public humiliation I feel at sharing these online to keep me moving forward. (Fingers/toes/legs/arms are crossed).

Days 301-322 (yum, yum, gimme' some)

2008-11-18T21:09:00.006-06:00

yup. still eating my way through life. After months of progress, I'm moonwalking my way back into a size 17-18. Niiiiiice. Thank heavens for cooler weather and lots of layers. ;)

While I may be inhaling food like a freakin' hoover, I'm so incredibly happy for my blogging buds who are whittlin' their middles ... Brandi and Beth are rockin' it out over at Losin' It Together (lookin' good ladies!) and Shelly is boot campin' her way to a better bod at Sawatzky Survivors. Who-hoo ladies (yes, I'm a whoo girl ... thanks How I Met Your Mother for cluing me in), I'm coming to y'all for inspiration and motivation.

Keep on keepin' on. ;)

Days 270-300 (wash, rinse, repEAT)

2008-10-28T14:12:00.008-05:00

Um, a quick shout out to Shelley for clueing me into the fact that it's been a month since my last post. OOPS. I'm sure you can guess as to what has been driving my avoidance of this particularly personal/public forum. ;)

Despite last month's rekindling of the go gett'em attitude, I quickly succumbed to the stressors of house hunting, moonlighting, busy season at work, tight budget, no budget, fast fixes, personal shortfalls and the list goes on and on.

At last check (yesterday), I had gained back a whopping 17 pounds!!!!!!!!! And I can feel every grissly molecule of those 17 pounds refilling my third chin/third stomach/bubble gum cheeks.

I crave sweets now like nobody's business. I seek solace in the chocolate, ooey gooey goodness that only a candy bar can provide. The calorie-charged treats provide a welcome respite for my weary soul (though it lasts mere minutes).

Sad and quite pathetic, I've become the embodiement of Bridget Jones sans cigarettes.

I keep wondering at what point I will feel so completely disgusted that I will force myself back on track. I obviously have yet to hit that proverbial bottom, damn it. ;)

I'm hoping that as soon as one thing is taken off my "to do" list (hello, house hunting Gods), that I can find the energy to focus back on my mama mission.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me ... or you may just see me "float" by in the Macy's Day parade, tethered, of course, to 30-something handlers.

p.s. the pic at top was taken last weekend ... sigh.

Day 269 (we made it)

2008-09-27T18:37:00.001-05:00

I don't know how you'd begin to spell that breathy little sigh of relief you do as you dramatically swipe the back of your hand across your forehead, but if I could, it would be here (so just pretend).

I was so, so, sooooo relieved that Coop and I made it through the JDRF walk yesterday with no major meltdowns (his or mine). Without the hubs there to run parental interference, I was a little nervous that halfway through Coop might bug out on me.

But, yay! He was a total trooper. In fact, he sawed logs for most of the 3-mile walk/ride. And, because I'm clearly M.O.Y. (mom of the year), not only did I sign-up my 1-year-old to join me in a long walk at the crack of dawn, but I also scheduled seven (yes, 7!!!) back-to-back tours of homes for sale with our realtor (again, sans daddy as he was at the ranch working) just an hour-and-a-half later. Niiiiice!

But, he did amazing And, bonus ... hauling that little 20-plus pounder out of the carseat, up to, around and through the house (some of the floors were not fit for bare feet --eek!), back into the carseat and wash, rinse, repeat seven times in 90-plus temps had to burn some serious cals (who-hoo!).

Now, umm, just don't ask how hot I've done today (mum's the word, lol).

Cooper lovin' on Leesa, our JDRF team captain.

Coop "walking" it out in his "For Cade" t-shirt.

Zonked. Who knew a 3-mile ride could be so exhausting?

p.s. A huuuuge thanks to everyone who donated to JDRF, the event/experience was amazing.

Days 267-268 (one more time)

2008-09-26T09:10:00.003-05:00

Before this year, I'd never participated in any kind of charity walk. Then, I became a mama and was suddenly overcome with the desire to give back, to pay it forward and to instill in Coop from day one that doing for the greater good is a beautiful, powerful, important part of life.

That said, tomorrow will be my third (and final) walk for charity for 2008. Coop and I will both be slipping on our walking shoes in the hope of raising money and awareness for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation.

And, this one hits pretty close to home. A dear family friend, a precious 5-year-old little boy, was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes as a result of a sudden, life-altering medical condition, which landed him in Cook Children’s last year. Thanks to a great team of doctors (and amazing parents), he is now doing great, but it’s an ongoing battle.

So, in his honor and in honor of the other millions of children afflicted with this disease, Cooper and I will be walking it out. And we'd love to have your help.

If you can spare even a dollar, please visit my web page by clicking here.

Thanks everyone for your support over the past few months, you've helped this mama feel better than she ever has!

Days 260-266 (yes!)

2008-09-24T13:42:00.003-05:00

Well, it only took me a week of saying I’d do it (and two months lamenting that I wasn’t doing it), but I am officially back on track. Who-hoo! It’s my third day in the gym and man is my body telling me my break was waaaay too long! YOWZER!

Monday I took my first yoga class and I felt like a total dumb ass. Clumsy and sweaty and falling all over myself, when everyone else was doing the “airplane” I was more like a jumbo jet headed for a crash landing. But, I pushed through the 60 minutes of downward dog and cobra and other crazy HA-inspired movements, finally ending with a “Namaste” and an exhausted muscular system.

Yesterday was weights and today was cardio and though my thighs are SCREAMING at me, I feel really, really good. YAY!

Oh, and I can please tell you how in love I am with the Lean Pocket! (Kudos to Gage for turning me onto them.) I believe the genius behind the Lean Pocket is 1.) the removal of some of the crap that goes straight to the thighs and 2.) the fact that, out of the microwave, the Lean Pocket is like a billion degrees … rendering even the hungriest of hippos completely unable to inhale without searing every inch of the mouth … now that’s portion control in a handy, dandy pocket. SWEET!

p.s. This is my 100th post about my hot mama mission! So glad I had something positive to report! NA-MAMA-STE! ;)

Days 258-259 (FVB)

2008-09-17T10:13:00.003-05:00

Well, it always comes back to the best laid plans … I had hoped to hit the gym over the weekend, but that plan was blown outta’ the water by a sick little one who only wanted mommy. Then, I had hoped to hit the gym yesterday only to have my body consumed by some hideous flu/virus/bug (FVB, if you will) thing that’s had me curled in the fetal position on the bathroom floor (yes, it’s THAT kind of hideous FVB thing), in bed or on the couch for what is now approaching 36 hours (I’m still currently in bed as I type this).

UGH! Just call me A River Runs Through It. ;)

Last night I was called demented by my friend Hillary for knowing the following: I have lost six pounds thanks to my hideous little FVB thing. “Why are you weighing yourself when you’re sick???” she asked.

Um, because I have to find some silver lining to this nastiness in order to keep me from crawling out of my skin. And, if it takes a hideous little FVB thing to get my fat ass back on track and headed toward achieving my hot mama mission, then I’ll gladly take it.

And, well, yes, she’s right, I am just a little demented. ;) Now, gotta’ assume the fetal position and get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow I can actually make it to the gym …

Days 254-257 (walkin')

2008-09-15T16:08:00.002-05:00

On Saturday I completed my second (ever) charity walk and, though Hurricane Ike threatened to send the Dallas area a nasty little tropical storm, the weather held out (just some wind and minor rain to contend with).

The 5K was the most my body has moved in, um, a month and if felt gooooood to get back out there (plus, being able to plod down the center of downtown Dallas without the fear of a hit and run was awesome!).

I didn’t make it to the gym to sign-up for a membership as I had hoped … Coop was running fever and coughing up a lung, so the fam stayed pretty close to home (I know, I know, excuses, excuses). But, I am happy to report that I printed a 7-day-check-it-out-to-see-if-you-like-it gym pass and am planning on joining some coworkers for a lunch-hour sweat session! Who-hoo! And, since I haven’t worked out in forever, I’ll probably be sweatin’ after just five minutes. Score!

I have two weeks (from today) until I have to go back to the cardiologist and I would love to shed the pounds I just plopped on by then. Little milestones …

Days 238-253 (let's talk)

2008-09-11T20:01:00.004-05:00

It’s been 15 days since my last post …what can I say, I’ve been busy … stuffing my face.

I was putting my make-up on the other day and words and realizations started filling my mind … so much so that I had to stop, grab the laptop and get it all down. It was 6:47am, I needed to leave in 20 minutes, I wasn’t ready (not even close) and Coop was still asleep …

Before my shower I jumped on the scale. I knew it would be bad, I’ve been a baaaaad girl, but I didn’t expect double digits bad. I have gained 12 pounds since late July.

I have sabotaged myself and with every missed workout and every extra bite of food I knew it. I was making a conscious decision to do it.

And I’ve just figured out why. When you’re a hefty child who grows up (and out) into a hefty adult, a fat frame is all you’ve ever known. You come to rely on that fluff … though it may incur some rejection and/or disgust, it becomes your safety blanket, your shield for which you can hide behind.

And, at some point that blanket started to wear thin. And it made me nervous.

My entire life I’ve wanted to be the better, dare I say the best, at everything. But, here’s the thing, what if I finally achieve a healthy weight and realize I will never look any better, can’t be any better and I’m still not happy. Then what? I’ve used my weight as an excuse … but when the weight goes away, well, what happens then?

Rejection or the inability to achieve then becomes something personal, rather than physical.

I started blogging about my journey knowing that I needed to be accountable to someone other than myself. Well, that idea stops working when you stop blogging and start hiding. And, I realize now, that’s what I’ve been doing.

I’d like to send a huge thank you to Leslie and Tammy — blogging buds I’ve never met, but, who, through their recent “Where the hell are you?” comments, have brought me back to the blogosphere.

I wish I had something positive to share with you ladies in the world of weight loss, but I don’t right now. My freelance writing job is eating up the extra time I used to spend at boot camp and the gym and I know this is a huge part of my sudden down fall. But, as the hubs and I are both working side jobs to pad the house fund (we’re buying in December/January), something, somewhere had to give.

I’m hoping to join a new gym this weekend with a friend and workout buddy and find a new groove that successfully marries “real” work, “side” work, being with Coop, being with the hubs and being with myself … we’ll see how it goes.

p.s. FINALLY got my heart monitor on Tuesday. My episodes are pretty frequent, which is good right now … want to snag some good recordings for the doc so he will suggest surgery and FINALLY get this little issue over with. YAY!

Days 235-237 (heart help)

2008-08-26T09:46:00.001-05:00

As most everyone knows, I have a little heart condition. Diagnosed when I was 18, it's nothing serious, but it can be incredibly painful when the wonky ticker decides to throw a hissy fit (as it's been doing lately).

Yesterday afternoon, after a particularly agonizing episode, I found myself in the cardiologist’s office. As I was waiting, I could hear the whispers of other patients sharing their stories, their reasons for being there. Heart attack. Stroke. Inoperable cancer impairing the ventricles of the heart.

I was instantly overcome. I felt blessed that my own story read as a fairy tale in comparison to the ones wafting around the waiting room. I ached for the others, especially the elderly couple situated beside me, who seemed so deserving of a miracle.

It was at that moment that I sent up a quick thank you for my wonky ticker and reignited my desire to raise funds for the American Heart Association. I can’t create a miracle on my own, but maybe if we all band together, we can raise the funds so that the crew in the white lab coats can.

There are just three weeks left until I slip on my walking shoes in an effort to stomp out heart disease. Please help me help those who need it most by making an online donation by clicking here.

227-234 (have a heart)

2008-08-23T22:44:00.001-05:00

Well, it’s been another unsuccessful week in the dieting, um my mistake, “healthy lifestyle” world. I skipped boot camp on Tuesday because I was so behind on my freelance work that I needed every spare second to get caught up. On Thursday, I had to leave after 35 minutes. My heart was having MAJOR flare-ups and I just couldn’t get them under control. The episodes lasted until I went to bed … it hasn’t been that bad since I was preggars with Coop. Sigh.

The hubs and I have agreed that I need to talk to my cardiologist about the possibility of having surgery in January (when the flexible spending account is full again) to fix my wonky ticker. I think it’s a fairly minor, non-invasive surgery, but hello, it’s MY HEART! The doc did tell me that it’s a must-do before I get another bun tossed in my oven. Boo.

Anywhoo, I’m not sure what to do about boot camp. I don’t want to quit, I love the camaraderie with the other chicas and well, I’ve come to depend on DS’ “tough love,” but grr … I’m not doing myself any good if I can’t do the workout.

I need to find an activity I can do that will melt the fat off without inducing a heart episode. I don’t know what the sudden onset is all about. I’ve been doing boot camp for months with no issue, but holy Hannah, this past month has been kicking my arse. I’m sure it has absolutely nothing to do with my on-again, off-again “health” kick and my completely erratic eating habits (chocolate chip cheesecake, anyone??).

Thinking of checking out the gyms in my area to see what classes they offer (I’ve become a total class-setting junkie … thanks for the head’s up Megan!). But, first, I guess I’ll call my cardio guy and see what he has to say. Don’t want to drop dead or anything … especially while sweating like a pig … who’d give mouth-to-mouth to a gal who smells like a three-day-old jock strap? Even I wouldn’t haunt the paramedics for letting me walk toward the light.

Days 219-226 (and it keeps going ...)

2008-08-15T14:10:00.003-05:00

Two hundred and twenty-six freakin’ days I’ve been working (or lamenting that I’m not working) on my hot mama mission.

You’d think after the better part of a year, something (anything) would’ve gotten easier. Sigh.

Well, I guess the bitching has gotten easier.

At this point I’m just going through the motions. My NOtivation continues.

I went to boot camp yesterday and sucked major wind. I have a little heart condition that’s been rearing its ugly head during class lately, which makes me think it may be time to try a different workout routine (pilates, perhaps?).

I’m completely at odds with myself and I don’t know what to do. I’m still up 5 pounds since vacation (holding at 198 … grr), but that’s not my body revolting, that’s just me giving into weakness.

I deserve to wear the multi-pound albatross (complete with a bag of Fritos in the talons) around my neck—um, gut.

DS said I sucked yesterday. He was right (but I'd never tell him that). I felt that I was doing the best I could at the time (taking my misfiring blood pumper into account). I'm a little sore today, which is always good, but I'm just out of it. Off kilter. And I honestly have no clue how to get back.

Suggestions?

Days 211-218 (NOtivation)

2008-08-07T08:40:00.004-05:00

Well, kids, it’s time to come clean, I have lost all motivation. Every single drop of it — as evidenced by lack of recent blogging and my reluctance to post my last two weigh days.

I don’t really know what’s caused this sudden shift … maybe it’s the string of sweltering 100-plus degree days (it’s just too damn hot to give a damn … about anything) or maybe it’s because I haven’t been able to break out of the 190s for three months and I’m just exhausted from trying to beat down that door.

I’m sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I picked up a freelance job last week and so, when I should be working out, I’m writing. But, since the goal is to get into a house at the end of the year, extra $$$ is crucial (mama needs deco funds, lol!). (The pic above is me working last weekend poolside, instead of actually burning a cal IN the pool. But, I did keep the fan off so that I would at least sweat out some calories ... it was, after all, 107 that day!)

Anywhoo, I’m still doing boot camp and trying (I use this word loosely) to stay on track, but right now, in this moment, if someone presented me with a plate of sprinkle donuts, French fries and some lasagna on the side, I wouldn’t hesitate to lick the plate clean.

DS did do measurements last week at the end of our third month in boot camp. I’m still seeing results, but certainly nothing earth shattering (hmm, maybe that has something to do with eating my weight in pizza).

From June 21-July 31, I have:
*stayed the same in my neck: 13”
*stayed the same in my chest: 38”
*gained .25 inches in my biceps: 14”
*lost .5 inches in my forearms: 10”
*lost .25 inches in my abs: 35”
*lost .75 inches in my hips: 43"
*gained 1.5 inches in my thighs: 24”
*gained .25 inches in my calves: 16.5”

Overall, in three months of boot camp (going, on average, twice a week), I’ve now lost a combined 10.5 inches. And I am excited about the nice increase in muscle in my thighs. Hell, if you have to have big o’ honking legs, might as well have ones that don’t wiggle as much when you walk. =)

Fingers are crossed that this NOtivation is temporary (especially since I just passed off two boxes of my “bigger” clothes to a coworker). If anyone has any words of encouragement, inspiration or a photo that will kick me outta’ my funk, please share!

Day 210 (hearting DS)

2008-07-30T15:42:00.001-05:00

Just when I was getting used to thinking of DS as the biggest pain in my large ass, he goes and sends me an incredibly kind e-mail that has me thinking I should downgrade him to simply “a pain.”

Crrrrrrap!

After missing three boot camp sessions last week due to vacay, I knew yesterday’s workout was going to be a rough one. And the session did not disappoint. But it was more my body rejecting the strenuous exercise more than the strenuous exercise rejecting me. I have a lil’ heart condition that flairs up on occasion and yesterday during BC I kept getting slammed by episodes … one right after the other.

I had to walk away several times to let my raging heart cool down. I think the waterworks that DS accidentally saw made him realize that I wasn’t just being a puss.

Anywhoo, I sucked it up as best I could and then I got the e-mail. I won’t share the message … DS would run me run until the fat literally flew off my love handles if I outt’ed his softer side (it would totally kill that whole tough-guy image he has working for him), but I just to share that it made my day.

I know he’ll still give me total crap tomorrow, I wouldn’t expect anything less, but at least now I know that his “encouragement” comes from a place of motivation, not intimidation.

Aww, DS is all about the tough love.

And that makes me heart him. Damn it.

Days 202-209 (moo)

2008-07-29T16:04:00.002-05:00

What did 7 days of vacay get me? 7 pounds added directly to my waistline!

Hello, my name is Bessie and I am a cow.

Mooooooooo.

Days 199-201 (vacay, baby)

2008-07-21T09:29:00.006-05:00

Today, Chris, Coop and I are loading up and embarking on our first family vacation and I’m so excited! Last week I was consumed by a nasty case of the nervous nellies (click here for backstory), but an overwhelming sense of summer-lovin’ freedom has since replaced my earlier feelings of anxiousness and unease.

Now, it’s all rah-rah, let’s hit the road.

But, I did not get to this point easily. Aside from my mommy issues, I have been battling the whole wardrobe dilemma. When your closet goes from t---h---i---s to this, your clothing options are severely limited. And, what’s so incredibly weird (and I never expected!) is that every time I went out to find stuff to wear on vacation, I was overcome with dread.

Huh?

Smaller size, more fun stuff to choose from, right?

Sure, in a perfect world. But in mine? Not so much. While I’ve been losing weight, certain areas—specifically my gut—have become less dense than they were before, making them harder to conceal. When your stomach area is as solid as steel (with lard, not muscle), you can throw on a tee and not be concerned about the rolls plowing through. But now that everything’s waaaaay more wiggly and wobbly then it has ever been, the rolls could crash the look of a fur-lined parka.

In a nutshell? My stomach is now the world’s biggest jell-o jiggler!!

Sigh.

I keep reminding myself that this is a necessary evil. That I must endure the waterbed effect on my gut in order to achieve my hot mama mission, but it sooo sucks in the middle of summer. It’s not like I can slap a pair of Spanx on under my Bermudas in 103-degree temps (which it’s supposed to be today! ACK!). I would die of heat stroke.

Anywhoo, after several failed shopping attempts, two semi-successful ones (I say semi because each one netted a return trip to exchange stuff that, upon home bathroom-mirror inspection, looked like sausage casings on my wobbly bits) and one great one, I finally have clothes that I actually feel kinda’ cute in. YAY!

Now, if I can just keep from eating my way toward a 20-pound weight gain over the next seven days …

Days 197-198 (at it again)

2008-07-18T08:59:00.000-05:00

In April, Chris, Cooper and I donned our tennis shoes and hit the street for little feet in the March of Dimes, March for Babies walk. It was the first time I'd ever participated in a charity walk and it was amazing. I wondered why I'd never done it before. And now, I must confess, I'm addicted to the feeling of being a part of something bigger, something better.

This former couch cruiser has become a charity-walk junkie! Who'da thunk it!

Chris and I (with Coopie in tow) are now gearing up for two more walks this fall. On September 13, we will be steppin' out in support of the American Heart Association and on September 27 we will picking up the pace for Juvenile Diabetes.

Chris and I have each set a goal of $350 per event and, if we achieve those, that means we'll have raised a whopping $1,400 for the greater good. And doing that, would feel freakin' great!

Day 196 (Weigh Day #29 & $5 boot camp)

2008-07-16T09:56:00.008-05:00

Well, guess what? I’m still a lard ass! Who, knew?

I worked extra-hard this past week in the hope of meeting (or at least inching closer to) the weight-loss goal I set last week of 191. Yes, in my post I said I hoped to achieve this by July 21, but um, yeah, NO! Not gonna’ happen. I stepped on the scale this AM and it laughed at me.

I lost a pound. One. Stinkin’. Pound. (yes, that brings my grand total to 34, which is awesome and I've lost nearly 10 inches overall, which DS always stresses is more important than the scale. But, um, he's a guy, he doesn't get a woman's obsession with "the" number. boo.)

Anywhoo, what did that dang hubby of mine lose? 5!!! Five. Woo-hoo, look-at-me, I-rock. Pounds.

Shit head.

Sigh.

On another note, despite the fact that I sucked major monkeys at boot camp last night (which prompted DS to say, “Why are you stopping? You can catch your breath when you’re dead.”), I’m still all gung-ho about getting people to join me in the torture. In fact, one anonymous blog reader posted the following Q earlier today:

“Are there still any openings? If so, how long will the introductory costs apply? This sounds like just what I need! Thank you for sharing.”

Well, fellow sweat seeker, I talked with DS and he said he’s extending the $5 boot camp offer to those who couldn’t make it to last Saturday’s class. Sweet! (Or is it sweat?) Anywhoo, for anyone who’s still interested in checking things out on the cheap, we’ll be there gasping for breath this weekend, same place, same time (click here for details, or call DS directly at 682.556.9487).

Day 195 (lovin’ me some LSD …)

2008-07-15T13:48:00.001-05:00

… um, no, not like the uber-hyped drug of the ’60s, but as in a self-described “fluffy butt” in Kentucky who has recently left me some of the most encouraging messages ever.

When I initially started this fatwhacking blogging venture, I was understandably nervous about the comments I might receive. The perceptions I might create. The anonymity of the Internet allows people to spew hate, should they feel so inclined, and as a hefty mama who has endured her fair share of tacky comments, I feared I was opening Pandora’s Box.

Thankfully, however, that box, to this point, has remained closed. A fact which has allowed me to bask in the support and encouragement bestowed upon me by perfect strangers, as well as dear family and friends.

I had hoped that by publicizing my trials (AAAAAALL of them), as well as my triumphs each coated in a thick, yummy batter of self-deprecation and humor that I might, somehow, manage to spark in someone else the desire to defluff the frame. I had also hoped that my online confessions would help to fan the flame of my own dedication and persistence — which tend to be about as consistent as politicians and gas prices.

I have now been at this for 7 months and it has been the best weight-loss experience ever. If I had not made myself accountable online, to those who know me, as well as those who don’t, I know I would have failed in my mommy mission and, well, failure is no longer an option.

While I still have many more boot camps to endure, cups of yogurt and turkey wraps to inhale and about 60 more pounds to lose, I just want to send this sincere shout out to everyone who has cheered me, (teasingly) jeered me and reminded me of why I’m sweating my ass off. I'm working to become the absolute best version of myself that I can be. For Cooper. For Chris. They deserve nothing less. And, I have finally realized, neither do I.

Days 192-194 (boot camp recruits)

2008-07-14T18:47:00.002-05:00

Boot camp in Plano last Saturday was a huge hit! DS donned his fatigues and Army boots—gear I haven’t seen since the temps started creeping into the high 90s. We went back to counting-directed exercises, instead of self-directed, meaning being left to see how many squats we can make ourselves do in a minute (Believe me, the counting method is waaaaaaay more effective. Me, slack off??? No way!)

There were about 17 of us sweatin’ it out and I must confess, I had to bust my rear to keep up with the new recruits (damn you physically fit people — Ashley! Denae! Everyone else in front of me during the suicides!), a fact that I have been paying dearly for … my legs have been throbbing since Saturday. I bitched and whinned about the pain, but good Lord it felt good to know I worked so hard! Looking forward to what DS has on tap for today. (hmm, easier to say that when it’s still hours away!!!)

Days 190-191 (break a sweat!)

2008-07-11T13:40:00.004-05:00

If you've been following my weigh-loss (mis)adventures, you know of my latest and greatest obsession: boot camp, baby!

I absolutely LUUUV ... to hate ... this workout! I just started my third session and so far I've lost a combined 9.75" in 10 weeks. Not too shabby for a former couch cruiser and total anti-sweater (as in body sweat, not merino wool layered on in the winter).

Anywhoo, here's my point, if you live in the Plano area, there's an awesome opportunity to check out boot camp tomorrow totally on the cheap!

If you’ve never tried boot camp, it’s hard to know what to expect from the workout — a fact that may be a deterrent for many (almost was for me!!!). With that in mind, I finagled a fantastic deal with my DS for this Saturday: an introductory class for only $5.

Tomorrow from 9:30-10:30 you can come and take the boot camp class and get a feel for what it’s all about without a hefty financial investment. If you like it (love it!), great, come back again (and again). If not, well, you sweat your rear off and only invested 5 bucks. Not bad!

Here are the details:
This Saturday Only: $5 boot camp (cost will be $20 per class after this introductory offer)
9:30-10:30 am
Westwood Park, 1001 Westwood Drive, Plano, TX, 75075

*Bring hand weights and an exercise mat (or a beach towel will also work)

This is open to ANYONE who wants to get fit, so please let others know about this great deal!

I'll be breaking a sweat in the AM, come join me (or come make fun of me, ya' know, whatever gets you there)!

Day 189 (Weigh Day #28 & the “L” word)

2008-07-09T15:29:00.003-05:00

Shut up! Shuuuut up! (said with the “holy mother! you’ve got to be freakin’ kiddin’ me” exclamation.)

Diana Ross’s I’m Coming Out is playing in the background …
There's a new me coming out
And I just had to live
And I wanna give
I'm completely positive
I think this time around
I am gonna do it
Like you never knew it
Ooh, I'll make it through

And I’m coming out of the closet, which is actually incredibly hard to do when you had know clue you were actually IN the closet.

That’s right folks, I’m … drum roll please …

the “L” word.

I’m a LARGE!

HUH? WHAT the F?

The Double X Diva can now squeeze into a piece of clothing tagged with a one-digit “L”????

Are you shocked? I must be high.

Yesterday at boot camp, DS (finally) had Elite Fitness shirts ready for us to snatch up with our sweaty paws and I was mortified (MOR-TI-FIED!) when he handed me a large.

“Um, no. I can’t wear a large, rude. I need an XL.”

“No, you don’t. And, I don’t have any anyway.”

WHAT?!? Who doesn’t order XL shirts?

Apparently that whole “always stock XLs” rule doesn’t apply to boot camp tees.

I grabbed my tiny tee and hightailed it to my car, completely bummed because I knew the damn tank top (a Large AND sleeveless? This man is nuts!) would NEVER fit.

But. It. Did.

DS’ supplier must do vanity sizing because I can’t imagine being at all ready to shop in the “L” section of a store. I know my big ol’ body isn’t there. Yet.

But this is a good start. In one tiny corner of the “fashion” world, I’m the “L” word. And that rocks!

p.s. Weigh Day #28 did not disappoint! Last week I set a goal to simply maintain my 2-pound weight gain over the 4th of July weekend. But miraculously, I lost a pound. Who-hoo! New goal? To hit a goal I set weeks ago … to slide in at 191 by the time we roll out for summer vacation on July 21.

Day 188 (sweet meat!)

2008-07-08T12:07:00.004-05:00

Um, OK, I don’t know if it’s the horizontal stripes expanding the width of my middle by about 100 pounds today or the fact that I chased a 1-year-old around the lake for three days, subsisting mainly on Diet Coke and Twizzlers … but I just snagged one of my Top 10 Greatest Compliments of All Time:

“You’re looking especially skinny today,” coworker PB said. “Did you do something special over the weekend?”

HA! Me? Skinny? The two words used in the same sentence and not in a sad little way that makes me want to inhale a pint of Ben & Jerry’s while commiserating with poor Bridget as she writes in her diary and chain smokes like a fiend??!!?? (Ex. Your friend is so skinny. Why aren’t you skinny? You really shouldn’t try to wear skinny jeans.)

This unexpected compliment, dished out from a highly unexpected source (see first comment ever to fall from said coworker’s lips) makes me exclaim, “sweet meat!” No, there’s no real relevance here, but Holy Hannah it’s just fun to say and it makes me smile … like a school girl downing Diet Coke and chewing on a Twizzler on an especially “skinny” day.

Days 183-187 (dishin’ the details)

2008-07-07T11:19:00.003-05:00

Fellow Wylie alum and hilarious mommy blogger, Courtney, recently left me the following comment:

“I have a blog post topic request (I'm so demanding, huh?). Sometime, I want you to blog about what you eat...your diet, etc. Also, are you still taking Alli?”

Well, Courtney, queen of the cow-dung wreaking windy city (this would be Lubbock, the Texas version of Chicago), your request is my command:

I strive* to maintain a “diet” of 1200 calories and 39 grams of fat spread throughout the day—one of the programs suggested by Alli to prevent an ass explosion. (While my fear of having said A.E. at work now prevents me from popping the fat-blocking pills, I do try* to stick to the cal/fat grams. Please note the asterisking of both “strive” and “try” … denoting of course, that I rarely succeed at either. Sigh.)

Anywhoo, on a typical day, early in the AM, about 6ish, I nosh on something to get the metabolism going, usually a serving (3/4 cup) of vanilla and almond Special K (110 calories and 1.5 grams of fat sans milk … I’m not a milk-mush on my cereal kind of girl) or a Nature Valley strawberry yogurt granola bar (140 calories and 3.5 grams of fat).

Then, 3 hours later (I eat something every three hours to fuel the fire), I snack on a serving of animal crackers or pretzels (a count of 16 is about 110 cals and 1.5 grams of fat for each) or a Wal-Mart brand (the best!) vanilla yogurt (80 cals and about 1.5 grams of fat).

Around noon I eat one of the two snacks I didn’t eat at 9 (pretzels/crackers/yogurt), along with a wrap … take one plain flour tortilla, slather on some mustard and slap on two slices of 98-percent fat free turkey—yum-o (don’t remember exact nutrition facts on this one, but it’s purty good).

At 3ish, I inhale the remaining snack. At 6 (or 7 on boot camp nights), I usually eat a large piece of baked chicken or tilapia (mama likes her “meat”) with half of a plain baked potato with salt/pepper and salad supreme (this is the BEST for adding cheesy taste with little cals) or rice or raw carrots with ranch dip (ooh, bad girl!).

After Coop’s tucked in bed and BEFORE 8 (I don’t eat after 8) I indulge in a 100-calorie snack pack of fudge stripes or lorna doone cookies or a slice of angel food cake with cool whip (you must say whip like Stewie on the Family Guy … whhhhhip).

Sprinkle in about half a dozen Diet Pepsis and two or three bottles of water with crystal light on-the-go mixed in for funzies and there you have it … a snapshot of my trough on a good* day.

You may have noticed an alarming absence of any fresh fruits or veggies (or canned/frozen/hermetically sealed fruits or veggies for that matter) in my menu. Um, yeah, I hate ‘em, so I rarely eat ‘em, but, I have been known to sneak in carrots, apples and the occasional banana. I loathe this about myself, but try as I might, I can’t keep the gag reflex from letting any of the “good stuff” go down. Perhaps I should look into hypnotherapy for help. I sure as shit don’t want Coop to be as obnoxious in his eating habits as I am.

Anywhoo, on Tuesdays and Thursdays (and now Saturday mornings starting this week) I do boot camp for an hour, which, according to one calorie-burn calculator, sweats off more than 700 calories … yippee! Two other nights (I take two nights off) I walk on the treadmill or hit the park and do some of the strength training exercises from BC.

If I were able to stick to this plan for more than a few days at a time, I’m sure the weight would be melting off. But, I’m weak and a weiner, so I deal with the set backs and keep pushing forward.

Hope this helps! If you have ANY tips, please dish!!!

Days 175-182 (Weigh Days #26 and #27)

2008-07-02T09:31:00.004-05:00

Hello world, I’m a slacker—both in my blogging and in my hot mama mission. It’s been 8 days since my last fatwacker confession and equally as long since I worked diligently toward my goal of shedding some tonnage. Oops.

But, like any good fat girl, I do have great justifications for my slip-up(s). My mom was in town over the weekend (we had tickets to see Hairspray – love it! YAY for the chubby gal who gets the guy!) and I didn’t want to think about calories/fat grams/working out … I just wanted to enjoy my time with her. So. I. Did. And I ate my way through just about every minute she was here. It was heaven spread on a cracker!

Then, my lil’ sis made me an auntie on Monday and who am I to stand in the way of a fresh-baby celebration that includes big breakfasts, big dinners and lots of snacking in between? Not me. I’m not going to be the pooper at that party.

Anywhoo, needless to say, my last two weigh days have been in the plus category, as in plus in pounds, not in success. Last Wednesday (Weigh Day #26) I logged in at 195 and this AM (Weigh Day #27) I added yet another pound, 196.

I boot camped yesterday (major suckage) and did well on the eating, my total caloric intake was 950, but I have happy hour tonight and then I dive straight into a long 4th-of-July weekend at the lake, so I’m not really holding out much hope that my willpower will be strong enough to withstand the temptations (the food and drink kind, not the band).

I think my goal will be to simply maintain for the next weigh day, if I can keep from tacking on another pound over the next few days, I’ll consider that a small (very small) victory.

(Sidenote: Montana, you are sooo cute, I just want to eat you up! But, rest easy little one, I said ... and still say that about Coop ... and he's still alive, flinging cheerios in every direction. There are just too many calories in babies, lol. Love you Monti G!!! Welcome to the world baby girl.)

Days 173-174 (burn baby, burn)

2008-06-24T15:13:00.004-05:00

OK, so I was checking to see how hot it's gonna’ be at boot camp today and stumbled across this fun little feature, a calorie burn calculator, at weather.com and had to share.

I classified boot camp as circuit training for 60 minutes and input my weight and the handy dandy calculator said I would probably burn 730.77 calories! Holy Hannah! That's burnin' off a Big Mac and fries baby ... too bad I didn't eat a big mac and fries. Sigh.

Ooh, also, I subscribe to Hungry Girl (luuuve it) and one of last week's e-newsletters included a link to a basal metabolic rate calculator. This awesome feature tells you the number of calories you'd burn if you stayed in bed all day, which helps you determine how many you need to add in order to stay where you're at/lose a few, etc.

So what's my magic number? 1660.9!!! I would burn more calories than I "strive" (the term is used loosely!!) to consume normally, without factoring in workouts, simply by keeping my big o' butt in bed. Things that make you go hmmm.

Days 170-172 (hell, yes!)

2008-06-22T16:35:00.006-05:00

Boot camp on Thursday SUCKED! DS was in my face (literally 2” away at one point) for the bulk of the workout and though I knew he was trying to push me, the last thing I wanted when my sweat was flying left and right and I couldn't breath was some muscle man occupying my personal space.

Not. Good.

But, Friday was better. Waaay better. DS still gave me grief, but he also took measurements and I was so excited by the results.

From May 15-June 20, I have:
*stayed the same in my neck: 13”
*lost 2 inches in my chest: now 38” (hell, yes!)
*stayed the same in my biceps: 13.75”
*stayed the same in my forearms: 10.5”
*lost 1.75 inches in my abs: 35.25” (hell, yes!)
*gained .5 inches in my hips: 43.75" (I’m told this is fine and that it’s because of the 18 gazillion squats that we do)
*lost .75 inches in my thighs: 22.5” (hell, yes!)
*gained 1.25 inches in my calves: 16.25” (this freaked me out a bit, especially since I lost 1.75” last time, but DS said the loss was fat and the gain is muscle … I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt on this one)

And, the absolute highlight of it all? The fam and I went to Old Navy yesterday and I snagged myself a new pair of work pants … in a size 14!!!! (Hmm, guess that means I should retire the size 22 swim suit and snag a new one, lol.)

Bonus? My hot little hubby went down a size, as well. He’s looking so stinkin’ good! The hottest daddy on the playground. ;)

Days 167-169 (weigh day #25 & squat off!)

2008-06-19T16:03:00.007-05:00

Well, suck, I didn't hit my goal of 191 this time, but I did reach a number I haven't seen since I was a fetus baking in my mama's belly: 194! It's not a lot from last week, but a 2-pound weight loss is a two-pound weight loss and when I lose, I gain ... self-esteem. YAY!

25 weigh days down, countless more to go!

p.s. I, and my fellow marketing boot campers are now OBSESSED with the plank off, which has now become the squat off (pictured above during a lunch meeting) and the balance off. It's crazy. It's fun. It's works. The next time you're stuck in a lame and/or heated conversation with someone, say "squat off!" ... it could make a world of difference! =)

Days 164-166 (daaaaaamn, gina)

2008-06-16T20:39:00.002-05:00

before a workout in the sweltering Texas heat ....

... aaaaand after.

Chris' response? "Holy shit! I have never seen you that red. You're starting to freak me out."

thank you, dear.

p.s. Last Friday I had hoped to weigh in at 195.

Yay, I did it!

Now, just 2 more days until my 25th weigh in ... here's hoping I hit my goal of 191.

Days 162-163 (butt hiccups)

2008-06-13T09:11:00.000-05:00

I don’t know if it was the previous night’s workout, the heat or just an over zealous “slug” gland acting up yesterday, but last night’s boot camp was brutal.

I wanted it over with before we were even 5 minutes in.

The words, “just shoot me” were playing over and over again in my head.

It sucked major monkeys!

To add to the overall misery of the evening, DS introduced a fun little exercise that, from an outsider’s viewpoint, would seem like nuthin’! NUTHIN’!! However, I wanted to cry. Hmm, maybe I did a little, there was definitely some sort of liquid rolling down my cheeks.

Anywhoo, the exercise is simply a pulsing squat done with your feet together for, um, an hour and then feet apart for another hour. Rinse and repeat.

“Pulse! Your butts should look like they have hiccups!” DS hollered.

Oh, they were all hiccupping all right.

My thighs are like cement this AM—thick blocks of cement that do not break, do not bend … not even when I need to pee. This would be a great day to be a guy.

Day 161 (weigh day #24)

2008-06-11T10:50:00.006-05:00

Well, poo. I didn’t make it to boot camp yesterday. I’ve been battling a bug or a touch of the flu or a 3-day hangover … who knows, but whatever it is/was has had me pretty much incapacitated since Sunday.

I was hoping to push through it and make it to the sweat session, but I tanked during a marketing meeting and went home — crashing for more than four uninterrupted hours.

Still a bit queasy today (no, mom, I’m not knocked up), but waaay better than yesterday. I hope to squeeze in a workout this afternoon in preparation for what I can only assume will be a killer boot camp tomorrow.

Over the weekend, the fam and I spent quality time in A-town, indulging in the sweet treats at my lil sis’ baby shower and waaaay too many cocktails with the girls afterwards. I thought I was doing pretty well by sticking to my tried and true signature drink — Crown & Diet Coke — but I just yahoo’ed the calorie content and yowzer! A whopping 97 calories in one shot. OK, it’s not a terrible choice if you have one … but whoever stops at just one (or 3 or, um, 6 with a sangria swirl on the side?).

Anywhoo, despite my liquid libations and ice cream indulgences, I still managed to drop some poundage this AM — this the 24th (holy mother!!) weigh day. Currently, my weight is 196, down 3 pounds from last week’s disastrous scale-a-thon.

By the end of the week I feel certain I will be back to 195 (which I hit 2 weeks ago) and my goal is to be at 191 by next Wednesday. Hey, it’ll be the big 25, gotta’ set a great goal in honor of this monumental moment (I’ve NEVER stayed with any diet mission this long in my life!!!).

Now, if I can just stay away from that damn whiskey. Crap, girl’s night again this Friday. Hmm, maybe I’ll skip dinner and opt for a liquids-only diet. =)

p.s. So excited about the pic above! My collar bones have yet to make an appearance, but yay (!) you can see the bones in neck ... major progress! Who-hoo! Bummer I have such adorable friends though, if I were sitting next to oh, I don't know, Roseanne Barr instead of too-cute Keri, I'd look smokin'! HA!

p.s.s. The hubby just sent the updated "Falk's Fatwackers" spreadhseet, which calculates our percentage of weight loss to date. Drum roll, please ....
Since January, the launch of my mommy mission, I have lost 14% of my body weight and ... weight for it, weight for it, 25% since my highest weight (which was 260 during my infertile myrtle days). Who-hoo!

AAAAANNNDD, if that wasn't crazy enough, that hot hubby of mine, since April 2nd, has lost an amazing 12% ... 12% in only 2 months!!! He freakin' rocks!

Days 156-160 (no knees!)

2008-06-10T10:50:00.003-05:00

Last Thursday’s boot camp was brutal. Since the bulk of my company was at a tradeshow last week, only four recruits could attend (all marketing folks) — meaning extra attention was paid to all by DS.

CRAP!

And what did DS choose to focus on? Running our asses into the ground! Literally, I think my left butt cheek is buried somewhere near a tree that I kept playing chicken with (who sets up suicide cones mere centimeters from a freakin’ tree anyway???!!).

The running (and the running and the running) and the jumping and the pushing all led to the pukage of one member (yay! another one bites the dust and it ain’t me, who-hoo!).

Despite my rampant complaining above, I must admit, pre the-runneth-my-rear-into-the-ground workout, the 3 amigos and I thought it would be a great idea to have a plank off! (You know, that killer core-strengthening exercise that works, like, EVERYTHING.)

When boot camp started, I could only hold the plank position for about 30 seconds … on my knees. But, last Thursday, holy mother, the clouds parted, the wind calmed and I held that bad boy for 1 minute and 56 seconds … and look ma, no knees!!!!!

Hillary, who’s been with me in the boot camp trenches from day 1, held it for a minute 45 (go Hilbur!!!) and the boys, Gage and Khris, who are fairly recent recruits, both petered out at 1 minute, 5 seconds. SWEET!

Hillary and I were so excited by our progress that we were jumping around like we had ants in our pants (hmm, a plank in the grassy field of a park, we probably DID have ants in our pants). And, when we shared the news of our triumph with DS, there seemed to be, dare I say, a smile of pride that crept across his fitness-obsessed little face (too bad that pride seemed to fade when I walked the last leg of the last suicide. Oops.)

Anywhoo, gearing up for a re-plank off (my goal is 2:15) and the second session of boot camp, which starts this afternoon. DS, I hope to make you proud (just please don’t make me puke).

p.s. The pics above are of a weary Gage who showered the lawn with his lunch ... way to take one for the team!)

Days 154-155 ( Weigh Day #22 & swoosh)

2008-06-05T16:10:00.004-05:00

Yesterday's weigh-in was dismal. As in fingertips touching the 200s dismal. I weighed in at 199 (holy shit balls!), 4 pounds more than last Thursday.

I knew it was gonna' be bad. I shouldn't have been surprised. Hell, maybe I wasn't. Who knows. Today I tried again and was back down to 197, so kuddos to me on that small (repeat) victory. (The yo-yo and I are becoming very close friends).

Today is a new day and I've decided that it’s time for a mantra trifecta. I started with “I will release the thin within!” Then I added, “Food is fuel, not entertainment.” And now, brand a swoosh on my butt, it’s time to go full-force Nike … as in “Just Do It!”

I’ve grown tired of this whole diet/workout business and I’ve (finally) realized (or realized AGAIN) that I’ve got to get out of my head and just do it.

Stop thinking about it. Worrying about it. Stressing about it. Just freakin’ do it. On autopilot. No emotions.

Tuesday’s boot camp went well. Someone finally tossed their cookies!! (sweet! DS must be so proud). And I’ve got T-minus 75 minutes until the next session starts. I’m going to do my best to do my best and see how well that goes.

Running. Jumping. Groaning in agony. I’m just going to do it and hope I can push past this mental plateau I’ve slung my lazy carcass across.

Swoosh.

Day 153 (ack!)

2008-06-03T15:13:00.006-05:00

I’m just gonna’ be reeeeeally honest here. Like downright painful honest. Last week after boot camp, I was “it was freakin’ awesome” every five seconds (click here for back story). I was all optimistic and hearts and flowers and warm fuzzies about my renewed zest for my mama mission. I was riding some kind of crazy endorphin high.

Aaaaaaaaaand

then I crashed.

Hard.

Fajitas and chips and salsa hard. Pizookie and candy bars hard. Pizza and sausage sandwiches hard. No worky outie in 5 days hard.

I don’t know what’s happened, but I have become dependent on DS and boot camp to supply my motivation. I can no longer generate it myself. On the days that boot camp doesn’t happen, I literally can NOT force myself to workout, or to even eat well.

I have every reason to still be going strong. Chris is kicking ass. It’s hot as Hades outside, so who wants to get all bloated on food and then sweat walking from the buffet to the car? Coop is constantly on the move and I always swore I’d be the mom who could keep up. We have a family vacay coming up and I don’t want to be “that” mom who sits in the shade while everyone else is out living it up.

Sigh.

My desire to continue to lose weight and work hard is still there, but that desire is often trumped by some scrumptious-looking morsel of yumminess that would literally kill me if I opted not to stuff it into my mouth at that very moment.

I feel all lethargic and yucked out on crap food today. Thank goodness I have boot camp tonight. In 98 degree weather (which, according to weather.com feels like 100). I hope I can find that high again and ride the wave for a few more days.

p.s. The boot camp gals and I did just receive a workout routine from DS to do during the off days. Hopefully that'll be the jolt I need to get it in gear. But I wouldn't bet on it.

Days 149-152 (’nuff said)

2008-06-02T13:50:00.001-05:00

cheater, cheater pizookie eater.

Day 148 (Weigh Day #20 & sweat city)

2008-05-29T14:28:00.008-05:00

Yesterday’s boot camp proved to be my triumphant return to my mommy mission. It was a bazillion degrees outside (OK, it was 92, whatev), there was absolutely NO wind (no breeze, no titillating rustle of the sun-drenched leaves) and the air hung thick, unmoving, unbending, like a fun little straight jacket slapped on for someone else’s amusement (certainly not my own).

But …

it was freakin' awesome!

I have never, not even on day one of boot camp when my body was staging a full-out revolt against me, sweat sooooo much! It started with little beads of sweat, which gave way to trickles of sweat, which progressed into full on streams of sweat cascading down into places where streams of sweat should never cascade. By the end, I was a lake. A lake of salty sweat (um, eww).

But … again …

it was freakin' awesome!

I was beyond exhausted, I saw more than my fair share of “birdies” and “stars” and lights fading to black. But I never passed out. I never puked. I just plowed through it when I could and rested when I couldn’t.

Weigh Day No. 20 was yesterday. I was still at 197 (thanks to my blizzard binge last week), and, after yesterday’s fried-chicken feast, I didn’t think I’d see a change today.

But …

it was freakin' awesome!

I lost 2 pounds thanks to the sweat session that was boot camp!!!

I’m a little sore today, a little tired, but I am so ready to go again. To push harder than I pushed yesterday.

YAY! I’m lovin’ me some nasty ol’ sweat. =)

P.s. For those of you working it out al fresco, check out this great feature on weather.com that shows the exercise comfort level and air quality in your area.

Day 147 (hey, babe!)

2008-05-28T16:06:00.004-05:00

You know that saying, "winner! winner! chicken dinner!"??

Well, my walking team at work, Hot Soles, brought that saying to life with a celebratory lunch at Babe's Chicken (a dallas-area icon) as a way to see yee-ha for winning the 4-week walking challenge.

We covered more than 1,180 miles to make our hearts more healthy, and then we went and clogged those newly cleaned arteries with a crap-load of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, green beans and melt-in-yo' mouth, slap-ya-mama-they're-so-good biscuits!

Yes, we realize the irony ... it tasted delicious.

Days 140-146 (the blizzard blues)

2008-05-27T09:33:00.003-05:00

Baby ailments have plagued our home for more than a week (click here for the backstory) and, instead of using Coop’s ear infections and constant need for MOMMY as a distraction, I used it as an excuse.

To eat. A lot.

Coop’s week-long agony coincided with the official end of my structured, competition-driven workout routine and the culmination of it all left me feeling completely lost and out of sorts. And I gave into that and self-medicated with trips to Dairy Queen.

Three trips, as a matter of fact.

Three chocolate extreme blizzards.

In 5 days.

Oops.

It wasn’t just the inhalation of sweet, creamy goodness punctuated with hunks and chunks of chocolate and brownie that filled my mouth with the deliciousness of comfort I wasn’t able to find elsewhere (umm, did I even look elsewhere? Ha!). It was also the fact that I wasn’t motivated to workout. I only made it to boot camp once … I was at home with Coop the other two days. And, though I squeezed in two workouts at home over the past week, I struggled. Big time.

Chris blew past me with the strength and dead-set determination of a huntin’ dog on the trail of some juicy woodland creature. He devoured the gym with shirt-drenched sweat and a passion I could only show for sleep and fried foods (yes, there was also a secret trip to KFC snuck in there, too. CRAP!). You would think his motivation would’ve served as inspiration. But it didn’t.

It irritated the shit out of me.

He was high on life and weight loss and clothes falling off his waist.

I wanted to strap him to a chair and force-feed him donuts until sprinkles shot out his nose.

It’s now Tuesday and Coop’s back at daycare (yay!) and I have boot camp tonight (double yay!) and I hope to somehow find that motivation I lost over the past few days.

Perhaps I will find it in the sting of sweat in my eyes. The bite of chiggers as they cling to my ankles during “mountain climbers” and push-ups. The aching pain in my chest from suicides and shuffles. Or, perhaps, in my inability to move because every muscle in my body has been pushed beyond the point of exhaustion. Truth be told, that’s one of the best feelings in the world … it reminds you that you're kicking ass, that you’re moving and working and striving to better yourself.

Bring on the pain. Blizzards be damned.

p.s. And if DS EVER sees this, I may regret ever being so honest.

Days 132-139 (Weigh Day #19 & catch up)

2008-05-19T19:38:00.008-05:00

oops, too busy last week being an obsessive compulsive mommy regarding the details of Cooper's 1st birthday party to take a minute to blog about my fatness. so, now, listening to my son scream from the other room (we stayed home today ... fever, CRYING, clinginess, DROOL, SNOT, ugh), I thought I'd play catch up while "dada" trys to console the inconsolable tot.

Last week was a great one for my "hot mama" mission:

No. 1: Wednesday was not only weigh day 19 (the scales showed a 2-pound weight loss, I'm now at 197), but also the last day of the 4-week walking challenge. Logging more than 1,180 miles, about 180+ of those were mine, my team Hot Soles was crowned the victor. Yee ha!!!!

No. 2: Thursday was the last official workout for the first session of boot camp (we have a la cart classes the next 2 weeks and the second session starts in June).

To commemorate the occasion, DS took our measurements to see how far we'd come. I was beet red as DS slid the measuring tape around my wobbly bits, made worse by the fact that I asked Hillary (fellow boot camp survivor and marketing co-hort) to document my humiliation with pics.

It was a painful 5ish minutes and, having barely survived the 8 workouts, I wasn't expecting much in the way of shrinking inches. But, I have to admit, I was pleasantly surprised!

Here's how I--ahem--stack up:

April 17
neck 13.25"
chest 39.25"
bicep 13.5"
forearm 10.75"
abs 37.5"
hips 45.5"
thigh 23.5"
calf 16.75"

May 15
neck 13" (down .25")
chest 40" (up .75" ... this freaked me out, but DS attributes the "growth" to the insane amount of push-ups
bicep 13.75" (up .25")
forearm 10.5" (down .25")
abs 37" (down .5")
hips 43.25" (down 2.25" hell yeah!)
thigh 23.25" (down .25")
calf 15" (down 1.75" ... woulda' prefered this loss around my big ol' gut, but I'll take it!)

Overall, I lost 5.25" and gained 1", so I averaged a loss of 4.25" in 4 weeks. Pretty damn proud! On to torture round No. 2.

Days 128-131 (mommy's weekend)

2008-05-11T21:27:00.003-05:00

it's my first mommy's day!!! For details, click here.

I wrote a rather lengthy post on my mommy blog, but here, on fat chants, I wanted to share pics of my weekend with Coop. It is because of this little man that I am pushing myself harder than I ever have. That I am working out, eating better; that I am striving to be the thinner, healthier, happier mommy that he deserves. I want, I will be that "hot mama" for Coop. One that can keep up with him on the playground. One that doesn't sit on the sidelines (or the couch), but fully lives each moment with him.

And this weekend was no exception. Friday night we walked around the mall so that I could reach (OK, surpass) my goal of 7ish miles a day. Saturday we powered through 4 miles at the park, played in the creek, hit the slide and swings then splashed through the afternoon poolside. Today we went and bought pants. That fit. YAY! A pair of black slacks in an unforgiving fabric - linen - in a size 16 (that's 2 sizes smaller than when I started this mission).

I feel good. No, I feel great. This afternoon, with Cooper asleep in my arms, and Chris at my side, we cuddled as a family, watching P.S. I Love You. And it was one of those simple moments where you realize that, at some point, you've stopped breathing. It was absolutely perfect.

happy, happy mother's day.

Days 125-127 (Weigh Day #18)

2008-05-07T16:18:00.002-05:00

Holy banana hammock! Today completes the third week in the four-week walking challenge at work and I have a grand total of 135.575 miles walked (sometimes breathlessly run, thanks to boot camp)!!! Yahoo! Our team total is nearly 850 miles!

Though today’s weigh-in showed a +1 weight gain (bummer!), I feel reinvigorated. I was totally UNmotivated yesterday during boot camp, despite DS’ words of encouragement: “work those gluts, ladies. I want y’all to be able to crack pecans when you’re done!”

While I’m no where near ready to break anything with my ass (well, aside from wind), that’s certainly a goal to keep in mind the next time I get yelled at for not keeping my hips high enough in the air.

Days 120-124 (Weigh Day #17)

2008-05-04T20:32:00.004-05:00

I've been a slacker blogger the past few days ... too busy walking my rotisserie-chicken butt around to be bothered to hit a few key strokes at the end of the day. But, that's a good thing, right?

Well, last Wednesday's weigh day revealed little, um, wait, NO change: 200 even. But, after a particularly grueling boot camp on Thursday, I hit the first goal of ALL GOALS! I slinked down out of the 200s and into the slim-and-trim promise that only the 100s can hold!! (198!) Who-hoo!!!

My excitement, however, has been hiding beneath the shadows of an uneaten ding dong — I can’t tell a damn bit of difference when I look in the mirror! I still see the two chins, the two stomachs, the flabby thighs, the wibbly, wobbly bits tucked in every nook and cranny and, of course, the chicken wings that continue to wave long after my arms have stopped. I thought I’d see more of a noticeable, physical difference by the time I reached this weight.

But I don’t.

Oh, hells (blue) bells.

The good news is that I’m still motivated. The 4-week walking challenge at work has me obsessed with a pedometer — I’m averaging 5-7 miles a day between family walks/team walks/and chasing-after-Cooper walks.

Aaaannnnddd then there’s boot camp. It’s the two hours a week I love to hate. DS has integrated the occasional “good job” into his verbal repertoire of “get those knees up! I said run not jog! It’s not my fault your heads are too fat to lift off the ground (my personal fav!)” I’m really proud of all the gals in the group … there’s not one slacker in the bunch and everyone’s really encouraging — even during the times you wish they weren’t (like when your body has all but revolted during a suicide and they’re cheering you on as they sip water at the finish line. “Someone shoot me. Now.”)

All in all, I am still freakin’ amazed at my progress. I have NEVER worked out this hard and this much for this long in my life. My blisters are my battle scars, my aching muscles a reminder that I’m kicking (my own) ass. And I love it. All of it. Even when I swear I can’t go on another second.

Day 119 (spaghetti)

2008-04-29T20:37:00.005-05:00

Boot Camp workout No. 3: Survived, but barely alive (don't be fooled by the pic ... Hillary and I are smiling through the pain).

It was "legs" day and after the "warm up" of running in place, jumping jacks and mountain climbers, I was barely breathing.

Then ...

the lunges. Oh, holy hell the lunges. Walking lunges. Double-dip lunges. On your tippy-toes lunges.

Then squats and more squats and jumping and running and then more lunges.

I am no longer a human being. I am spaghetti. A big ol' bowl of wiggly, jiggly spaghetti. Pour on some marinara, stick a fork in me and call me dinner. I'm done.

Days 114-118 (countdown)

2008-04-28T16:00:00.001-05:00

T minus 26 hours and 15 minutes until the next boot camp. Last Thursday went great — it was overcast, the wind was high and the humidity low, which helped me tremendously!! I worked my rear off, or arms, actually, but the constant threat of passing out seemed to be greatly diminished by the more workout-friendly weather.

But, as is Murphy’s Law, after a weekend of 60s and 70s, it’s supposed to be back in the 80s again tomorrow, so I’m, umm, nervous!

Day 113 (oww! & Weigh Day #16)

2008-04-23T12:12:00.003-05:00

“Get those feet up! You don’t want your legs to look like you got hit with a bag of nickels.”

“Chins off the chest, about the size of a cupcake between the two. I’m sure you ladies know what a cupcake looks like.”

“You’re not advertising, get your butt outta’ the air.”

And so the fun went yesterday with DS in the first session of boot camp. All was said with a mild, mock sense of humor, but it worked.

For one hellacious hour I plowed through the most brutal workout of my adult life … battling the threat of puking and/or passing out from the moment the words “suicide, go” were yelled.

It was great.

Well, I say that NOW, 18 hours after it’s over. Everything hurts. My hair hurts. And I wasn’t even able to do all the exercises without stopping because I refused to be the first girl to puke and/or pass out. But, after checking in with my “comrades,” I know I’m not the only one moving a little slower today.

Can’t wait to see how tomorrow goes.

p.s. Weighed this AM, hanging tight at 200.

Day 112 (oh, holy hell)

2008-04-22T20:26:00.004-05:00

Oh. My. Lord. Too tired to type post Boot Camp, will add details tomorrow, but I think this pic (taken on my phone as I hauled ass away from the torture zone) speaks volumes.

Days 111-112 (bring it on)

2008-04-22T14:06:00.001-05:00

Today is the day I have been equally dreading and anticipating for weeks. Today is the day I may die … or feel better than I ever have.

Today is the start of boot camp.

Our trainer (there are about 18 ladies from work participating in this 4-week sweat-a-thon), let’s call him Drill Sergeant (DS), stopped by the office last week to pick up our enlistment papers and take our measurements. ACK!

I’m not a fan of having a muscley man who plans to kick my ass for the next month trying to wrap a measuring tape around my wobbly bits. In fact, I down right hate it. So, what do I do to “ease the tension”?

I mouth off.

“Sooooo,” I say. “If my numbers don’t change, I get my money back, right?”

“Oh, they’ll change all right,” DS retorts.

“OK, but what if the numbers get bigger. Are you going to pay me???”

With a dead stare and expressionless face he says, “I’ll see you Tuesday.”

CRAP. He’s gonna’ kill me.

Added concern? The high is going to be 87 degrees today with 67 percent humidity! Oh, holy mother … if the DS doesn’t get me, the heat surely will!

Day 110 (so long 60!)

2008-04-20T20:35:00.003-05:00

Two years ago this summer I dropped 45 pounds (to help with my infertility issues). Then I got preggars, gained back 15, had a baby and then dropped the 15, plus 7 more within a week. Then motherhood happened and I put on 20. In January I embarked on my mission to become a "hot mama" and as of this AM, I am beyond thrilled to report that I now weigh 200 lbs. If all of the ups and downs are killing your math skills here's what this means: since the start of 2008 I have lost 28 pounds (that's 7 more than what Coop weighs!!) and since my heaviest point I have shed 60!! YEE-HA!

These pics show me doing the "look at me pose" (a la Subway's Jared) with a pair of "workout" (meaning I broke a sweat shoveling food into my mouth) pants from the 260 days. This feels good. This feels damn good. Now on to the next 60!

Days 108-110 (rollin' for my homies)

2008-04-20T20:21:00.000-05:00

We did it! Despite animal rights protesters (what!!??), battles with bicyclists who thought they owned the road (huh!!??) and a whopping 5 mile walk ... our lil' family Marched for the Babies, or in Coop's case, as his shirt proclaimed: "rolled for my homies." (OK, it said rollin').

Anywhoo, we raised $495 for the March of Dimes in just two weeks, had an amazing time with our A&B team and feel all the more blessed that we were able to take part in such an important event.

Day 107 (walk it out)

2008-04-17T20:29:00.002-05:00

Let the walking begin!!!

Day 106 (Weigh Day #15)

2008-04-16T21:26:00.003-05:00

Bom chicka waa waa (yes, I know this is the "porn" sound, but I have added it to my long string of verbal diarrhea and in my world it means: "damn, great job!" Unless of course I'm referring to porn, in which case it reverts back to its original connotation).

Anywhoo ... the bom chicka waa waa is for No. 1: YAY! A girl finally won Biggest Loser. No. 2: As of weigh day this AM, I have shed another 5 lbs. I'm now just 3 lbs. away from breaking into the 100s (hell to the yeah!). Since beginning my hot mama mission, I have lost 26 lbs. And, from my heaviest point pre-baby??? A whopping 58! That's 22% of my body weight!!!!

Days 102-105 (go girls!)

2008-04-15T16:25:00.002-05:00

OK, so I’ve only been watching the Biggest Loser off and on throughout the season ... until now! Since I am REcommitted to my hot mama mission, I am OBSESSED with the show (these people are dropping a 100-plus pounds in mere weeks!)! Can’t wait to see who wins tonight—I’m pulling for the chicas.

Maybe the excitement of tonight’s finale will inspire me to go for that extra mile this evening! But, since the 4-week walking challenge at work doesn't start until tomorrow, I'm not making any promises.

Day 101 (that's hot!)

2008-04-11T16:07:00.004-05:00

The 4-week walking challenge at work kicks off on Wednesday and I’m (a total dork) super excited. There are 7 members on my team (plus one honorary “bun-in-the-oven” member) and our name is Hot Soles with “That’s Hot!” (a la Paris Hilton) as our slogan. We “renamed” everyone with a “hot” moniker: the heat-radiating pregnant gal is Hot Plate, the puppy-obsessed chica is Hot Dawg, and I, staying true to my weight-loss mission, am Hot Mama.

We all had matching shirts made and win or lose, I think our team spirit is gonna’ blow the sweat stains right off everyone else.

Can’t wait! Competition (next to total and utter embarrassment) is, I have decided, the ultimate weight-loss motivator!!!!

Let the games begin!

p.s. I am happy to report that in the past 9 days I have lost 6 big ones! Who-hoo, that's 2 more since weigh day on Wednesday. Yowza!

Day 99 (Weigh Day #14)

2008-04-09T13:41:00.002-05:00

Yee-ha! Yippee! Who-hoo! Shazam! As of this AM’s weigh day, I am officially down 21 big ones!! I’m at 207, the lowest I’ve been in years. YEARS! And, the 190s is just around the bend, I can feel it (or is that the breeze blowing across my butt crack because my pants don't fit?? Hmm, something to ponder).

Bonus? That damn hubby of mine, who can drop weight just by saying the word “diet,” lost 15 lbs!!! He’s only been working out with me in earnest since Saturday. In my next life I am sooo gonna’ be a dude, lol!

Days 93-98 (winds of change)

2008-04-08T08:16:00.003-05:00

Oops. Didn’t realize a week had passed since my last post, such a slacker—in writing and in dieting. But the winds of change are blowing, blowing my hair back, my sweat pants up … it’s a great feeling.

So, here’s the update. I wasn’t really feeling motivated about my mission the past few days (I knew my walking challenge was about to start and I gave myself permission to be a slug until then). But then, Saturday, probably one of the WORST days to regain control, I decided I’d had enough. I slathered Coop in sunscreen, dragged the husband kicking and screaming (and pouting and whining and bitching) to the nature preserve and we, as a family, hit the walking trails.

It was a sunny 70(ish) late afternoon and it was amazing. I didn’t realize how much my workout mentality had been impacted by my dread for the dreadmill. I just needed a change of pace (and scenery) to recharge my batteries.

The kicking, screaming, pouting, whining, bitching hubby later apologized for being a giant pain in the ass (love you!) and has since come over to the sweaty side …(he's rocking the walking through shin splints and all and I am so proud of him!). We hit the trails again Sunday and Monday nights. And now we have a NEW routine. Instead of Mommy hitting the gym solo, until the blazing summer heat melts the rubber on our shoes, we will, as the 3 BO-wreaking Musketeers, walk together (so, that should keep us walking through, what? Mid-May. Damn summer scorchers.)

Also, the walking challenge at work starts next week and boot camp the following week. I will walk with my team during lunch M/W/F and walk with the fam in the evenings. I will have boot camp T/Th nights, so the boys will have to tackle the trails alone.

I feel really, reeeally good about this. My hope is to be in the 190s by Coop’s first birthday, which is 6 weeks away.

Day 92 (Weigh Day #13)

2008-04-02T16:18:00.004-05:00

Eek gats! Did anyone see last night’s Biggest Loser? I totally pulled a “team blue.” When I stepped on the scale this AM it screamed, “You gained a pound fatty! Way to chunk up there, chubby cheeks!”

OK, it didn’t reeeeallly say that, but damn that would be the coolest scale ever if it had! (Hmm, note to self: google “taunting, talking scale.” If you hit a dead end, draft a business plan and hit pay dirt. Who-hoo!)

Side note: Did you know that about 2,000 steps equals 1 mile? And that we should aim to take 10,000 steps per day? Umm, that’s 5 miles everyday. I get bored after DRIVING 5 miles!! Guess I better pick up the pace if I don’t want to fall flat on my ass in the umpteen million walking challenges I’ve signed myself up for!

Coopie, strap yourself in there baby cakes, you’re goin’ walkin’ with mama tonight.

p.s. Shout out to my recently returned-to-work-after-having-the-cutest-baby-girl-ever cohort for, after having only been around me for 4 hours, decided to call me out on my baggy pants. Apparently, the "looks like there's enough sag in your swag to carry a small toddler" is a look that illicits comments like: "Um, so, what's with the pants?" Sigh, and I thought I was lookin' good today. Lol!

Day 91 (dat girl gone plum crazy)

2008-04-01T14:59:00.010-05:00

In the span of about 30 minutes I went from a ho-hum workouter (that’s a word, right?) to a balls-to-the-wall (wannabe) fitness junkie.

The wellness committee at work is starting a 4-week walking challenge in conjunction with the American Heart Association’s National Start! Walking Day on April 16. And, since I’m walking at night anyway AND still a relative newbie to the company, I thought this would be a great opportunity to keep motivated and get involved.

We had an orientation earlier this AM and by the end of the 30-minute pow wow, I was psyched and ready to slap on my pedometer and take to the pavement.

But here’s where things for this formerly not-moving-from-the-couch potato really get going:

I’m signing up to participate in the March of Dimes March for Babies 5K walk on April 19 (huh!!???).

I’m trying to recruit a friend to join me for the Katy Trail 5K on May 15 (what tha??).

ANNND, as if that weren’t enough to blow up anyone’s wind pants, I’m also signing up for a month-long boot camp (two workouts a week) being held after hours at my office (holy freakin’ mother!!!).

I think delirium has officially set in.

Days 88-90 (milestone!)

2008-03-31T09:44:00.001-05:00

I was counting the days since my last post and realized, “Holy Hannah! Today is Day 90” of my mission to release the thin within and finally become a hot(ish) mama!

My how time flies (but certainly not the scenery) when you’re on a dreadmill!

I have now logged 90 days, 2,160 hours, 129,600 minutes and 7,776,000 seconds being either really good or really bad in the hope of overhauling my fluffy frame. But whether I was flying high or crawling low, the point that makes me throw my arms up and proudly wave those chicken wings (that keep on waving long after my arms have stopped) is the fact that I haven’t given up. Never thought of giving up.

And that, in my terribly long book of failed attempts, is certainly something worth celebrating. So, in honor of this milestone, I have decided I am going to kick some serious dieting ass!

90 days ago, my stats were:
Dress size: 20
Weight: 228

Today my stats are (as of Weigh Day last Wednesday):
Dress size: 18
Weight: 210

90 days from now, on June 28, 2008, I pledge that my stats will be:
Dress size: um, not sure, depends on where the weight falls from
Weight: 186 (I think I was 6 months old the last time I weighed somewhere in this ballpark!!!)

This is an easily achievable goal (if I stay away from places like the Braum’s drive-thru – eek gats!) of 2 pounds a week, 8 pounds a month.

I can do this. And when I cheat (which I will, I’m a cheater, that’s who I am, that’s what I do), I’ll just dust off those cookie crumbs, wipe the icing from my second chin and haul my big ol' butt back to the gym.

Days 86-87 (bleck!)

2008-03-28T15:04:00.009-05:00

So, um, yeah. I tanked at the Italian birthday bash on Wednesday. As in:

Oh, Mama Mia, tanked.
That’s not amore tanked.
Arrivederci smaller jeans tanked.

Sigh.

The double sigh comes in when I reluctantly confess that I tanked again yesterday. I cruised through breakfast, blazed through lunch and then I received a distressing e-mail in the afternoon that sent me straight to the 50%-off Easter candy aisle at my friendly neighborhood CVS.

I blew off the gym and inhaled fistfuls of malted milk Easter eggs and jelly beans (no fat, do I get brownie points for that??).

All of this binging, and not-so-much binging, has led me to one brain-bending, earth-rockin’ conclusion: the side effects of erratic dieting are the EXACT SAME as early pregnancy!!!!

Early Signs You’ve Got a Bun in the Oven:

exhaustion that puts your butt in bed before the sun sets
bouts of nausea that make you look up at coworkers (because your head is laying down)
insatiable cravings that have your husband buying you pickles in the wee hours of the night
acne like that of a 13-year-old hormone-crazed girl

Late Signs That I’m a Dieting Extremist:

exhaustion that has me tucking in somewhere just after Cooper and before 8:30
bouts of nausea that have my coworkers asking, “Um, are you feeling OK?”
insatiable cravings that have me buying a large jar of pickles on my lunch break
acne like that of a 13-year-old hormone-crazed girl

While in my frenzied Easter candy shop-a-thon, I thought, “What the hell?” and tossed in a pregnancy test … just to make sure my theory held water.

It does. I’m not preggars.

I’m just a fatty with no willpower.

YAY!

Days 84-85 (Weigh Day #12)

2008-03-26T12:37:00.003-05:00

Not too much to report at the moment, today was/is weigh day and I'm holding steady at 210. I'm desperately trying to get back on track after my recent decent into chocolate oblivion (aka Easter weekend), and so far I've done great .... but, sigh, things may be on the downhill slide once again. We have a birthday dinner to attend tonight (at an Italian place - my favorite - CRAP!), then I'm having dinner and drinks with a good friend on Friday, Chris is having a daddy's night out Saturday (since I'm taking a MNO), which means I'll be left unsupervised (gasp!). Then, Sunday, I'm going to the ballet with a friend, which will probably mean lunch before.

EEE, gats, I hope I can stay strong! Maybe I'll just keep dill pickles in my purse and stuff 'em in my mouth when temptation becomes to great to bare. (Just stocked the baby fridge at work with some, as a matter of fact. I had a craving and I know preggars, aka my coworker, would down 'em, too).

Days 80-83 (gimme' dat bunny!)

2008-03-24T12:06:00.004-05:00

oooh. bad. mama.

This past weekend I was baaad, as in yellow bunny peeps bad. Chocolate easter bunny bad. Cadbury cream eggs bad.

Bad tasted sooooo good! And the way I was binging, anyone within 10 feet of my mouth and chocolate pulled back a bloody, brown stub.

On Easter Sunday I decided to share my passion for chocolate with Cooper. I gave him a baby bunny to chomp on just long enough to get a couple of cute pics. And then Chris stole it. And that little monkey made a mad grab for his dearly departed bunny like a junkie jonesing for a hit.

Aww, like mother like son, taking no prisoners when it comes to chocolate - that's my little man.

back in the saddle--um, sure, why not--let's go with saddle, today: whole wheat pita and yogurt for lunch, dreadmill for dinner. Bleck. =)

Day 79 (second thoughts)

2008-03-20T11:50:00.002-05:00

Hmm, maybe yesterday’s encounter with “the coworker” served a greater purpose than I had originally thought (which, of course was that I was a big tub o’ lard). Now, however, as the smells from the courtyard grill waft into my cube (we’re having the quarterly birthday BBQ today), I’m thinking that yesterday will give me the willpower and resolve I need to “just say no!” today — to b-day cake (even though my name is on it) and chips, hamburgers and hotdogs. “Just a small serving of grilled chicken, please (with a poop pill and a pickle on the side).” =)

Day 78 (Weigh Day #11)

2008-03-19T20:26:00.003-05:00

I was a big-time cheat this past week (as in, working out, umm, what? Eating whatever? Um, yep!) and so I say, with whole-hearted gratitude and complete and utter devotion, "Thank you stomach bug for the 1-lb. weight loss, thank you."

Now, exactly 3 months into my "hot mama" mission, I have lost 18 lbs and have just 11to go to be where my body has never been before ... in the 100s in my 20s. Whoa, look out!

Looking in the mirror this evening as I changed into my jammies (oversized pj pants and one of the hubby's tees, I know, total sex kitten!) I came to the conclusion that when my gut becomes as flat as my ass, I am gonna' be one happy mama!!!!

If i could just somehow swing the paunch from the front to the back, my frame would be looking pretty sweet (well, at least my today's viewing standards).

Anywhoo, side note: Ladies, I need your input.

Let's say you were on a diet and you were pretty open with your coworkers about it, would you be offended if someone called you out on what he/she considered cheating?

Picture it: You're sitting at your desk eating lunch (a KFC tender roast sandwich w/o the sauce and a cup of baked beans: total cals: 520, total fat grams: 6) when a male coworker walks by, picks up the brown paper bag from your desk and says, "Um, KFC, huh? I don't think this is on your diet."

What would you say? How would you react? Do you laugh it off, allowing for the fact that the working relationship is one of total "ball busting" fun? Do you tell him to bite you? Is it OK if you're embarrassed?

Would love to hear some thoughts on this.

Day 77 (well, crap)

2008-03-18T18:21:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling like a total schlub today. Yes, the weather sucks monkeys (it's like a hurricane outside) and I've been dealing with a 2-day stint of the stomach/butt bug (the benefits, of course, being the nice loss of water weight!) ...

but ugh! I'm just out of it. Hopefully a nice, long bath and a healthy dose of gossip-rag reading will pull me out of this funk. (That AND, it's Tuesday night which can only mean one thing: One Tree Hill! Yes, it's teeny drama, but I luv, luv, luv it. It's my secret escape. Hmm, starting to feel better already, well, spiritually anyway ... the stomach's still a mess.)

Day 76 (my new BFF)

2008-03-17T11:54:00.002-05:00

Walking to the bathroom this morning, the receptionist in my office (with whom I’ve barely exchanged more than pleasant “hellos”) said, “Are you losing weight?”

“I’m trying,” I replied.

“I can tell. You look like you’ve lost a lot. Your clothes are hanging on you.”

“Well, you’re my new BFF!”

Floating on a cloud of unexpected confidence, I walked into the bathroom and glanced in the mirror. After the exchange I’d just had, I expected to see a vision of “good lookin’ness.”

What I got was hideousness.

Fugliness, actually.

My clothes were, in fact, hanging. But not in that, “wow, you just dropped some tonnage,” way. It was more of, “oh, poor thing, you must shop at Goodwill,” way.

While I initially thought that tackling the Double Ds (debt and diet) was a great idea — you widdle down debt by slashing the food budget, which in turn widdles your middle — I’m now having second thoughts.

What happens when your widdled middle no longer fits into your clothes? What does the budget have to say about that?

I don’t mind looking like a frump on the weekends — I live in tee shirts and jeans — but at work, I have to look professional, hell, I’d settle for presentable at this point.

May have to have a “budget meeting” with the hubby and work on some creative financing.

All bitching aside though, this is a fan-freakin-tastic problem to have! Thanks BFF, for bringing it to my attention.

Day 73-75 (i am who i am)

2008-03-16T19:25:00.002-05:00

It’s taken me a looong time to get to this point, but I’ve realized one basic truth about myself — I’m a cheater. And that’s OK.

For three months I’ve been beating myself up for every little slip I’ve made in my quest to “release the thin within.”

I’m over it.

I do great, amazing even, on some days. And others, well, I’m a sad little junk food eater. Sure, I’d love to power my way through this fatness and become one hot mama, but for me, that’s just not realistic.

My goal — when I see only one chin in the mirror and collar bones hibernating just beneath the surface of my skin and not 12 layers of fat — will be achieved later, rather than sooner.

But I’ll get there. I’m not giving up. I’m just finally giving myself permission to be OK with who I am.

And damn that feels good.

Day 70-72 (Weigh Day #10)

2008-03-13T15:42:00.005-05:00

Holy mother of all that is yummy and delicious and fattening - I did it! I met my goal from last week. I stepped on the scales yesterday and weighed 211. That's 17 shed from my fluffy frame.

Just think, when I lose 2.13 more, I will have dropped the equivalant of my 9-month-old baby. Talk about putting things in perspective!

To recap, since the last weigh in, I added the poop pills to my diet. Since the program asks that you limit your fat intake, I'm not sure if it's that element that has been most helpful (39 grams and 1200 calories down from, well, let's be honest, who the hell knows) or the actual pills themselves. Probably both.

Also, two weeks ago I started adding intervals to my cardio (3 minutes walking, 1 minute running for 30-40 minutes depending on my energy level that day), so I'm sure that's helped, as well.

I know the workouts and weights have finally started paying off from the mirror's point of view because I'm starting to see the rumblings of something incredible - muscles! YOWZA!

Just the other night, the hubby was helping me with an ab routine and he said, "Holy shit!"

"What? What is it?" (He freaked me out, I thought something had exploded ... no, not my ass.)

He grabbed my thigh and said, "Dang! You're getting some serious muscle here."

Aww, greatest compliment ever! I'm still beaming. (thanks babe!)

Day 66-69 (model family)

2008-03-10T11:21:00.001-05:00

Chris, Coop and I had a nice little family lunch out yesterday and while the food was good (I ordered from the “low-fat” section — grilled mahi mahi — thank you very much!), it was the view that was even better.

Across the aisle from us sat the most adorable family I’d ever seen! Hot mama, hot daddy, precious little boy with shaggy blond hair and a baby girl bedecked in a sweet little sundress. They were a cute, young group with a casual, funky flair that I instantly idolized.

I told the hubby, “In a second, without being too obvious, turn around and look at that table behind us. I. Want. To. Be. Them.”

He waited a few seconds, did a quick glance and then said, “Yep, me, too.”

“Hon, that family is our goal. They are our role models. We already have the precious little boy (sans the shag), now we have to lose the weight, get hot and have a baby girl.”

That’s totally doable, right???

Day 64-65 (Weigh Day #9)

2008-03-06T07:46:00.005-06:00

Here's a little secret, I stepped on the scales Monday morning to see what kind of damage my weekend gorge fest had done to my progress.

What I saw wasn't just unattractive, it was downright ugly (like rank-smelling, no-teeth, puss-face kind of (f)ugly!).

I'd gained 3 lbs. in 3 days.

Holy shit balls! (Yes, I'll need two seats on the plane, at the movie theater, in the car for my expanding ass, please.)

Despite the groan of the scale on Monday, I am happy, no, excited, no, piss-in-my-pants thrilled (a la Fergie circa 2005) to report that as of yesterday, the official Weigh Day, that I have not only lost those gluttonous 3 lbs., but an additional 1, as well. Who-hoo!

Oh, and I tempted the fat fates this AM, as well ... (insert drum roll here) I'm down another friggin' pound!

I'm now at 214, a total of 14 lbs. lost.

The intervals on the dreadmill (3 minutes walking, 1 minute running for 35 minutes) combined with the low-cal, low-fat diet and Alli pills is working. Finally, a plan I think I can live with. Who-hoo!!!

It's my goal to plow through to the next weigh day without getting derailed (as I always do) and be down to 211.

Day 63 (the poop pill)

2008-03-04T13:03:00.004-06:00

You know that pill that recovering alcoholics pop in an effort to keep their sobriety in tact? (The one that makes them deathly ill if they drink while taking it?)

Well, guess what? There's a version for fattys! Who-hoo!

Last year you couldn't turn on the TV, go to a store, talk to a fluffy butt on a diet without the word "Alli" popping up. I was more annoyed by the over-advertising of the dang thing than I was impressed by its supposed "powers."

But, after talking to a friend who's on it (and has pretty good success with it), Chris and I have decided to give the poop pill a go -- literally. =)

Here's how it works (in case anyone's been living in a cave for the past several months): the pill keeps your body from asorbing some of the fat in the foods that you eat -- good for the diet, but could be bad for your butt.

The blocked fat is eliminated naturally from your body (with all the other excess--ahem--crap), but, if you eat too many fat grams in one sitting--whamo! You're heading for a pretty nasty squat session.

I know, I know, grrrrross, right? Well, here's the thing, like the beligerant drunk aunt fanny pill that keeps her on track because of "what could happen" if she goes on a midnight bender, for me, the Alli pill keeps me from inhaling, scarfing, binging on the bad stuff. After all, who wants to be stuck in a meeting and suddenly feel (and hear) that tell-tale gargle of a bowel volcano waiting to erupt?

Umm, no thank you!

Chris and I are now on day 2 and neither of us have had what I affectionately call "an ass explosion," so we must be doing well on our fat intake (shocking!).

Only time will tell if this new ingredient in my recipe for "success" will work, but I'm already loving the fact that some of the self-regulating has been taken off my shoulders and relegated to a little pill. I've been stressing waaay too much about defluffing my frame and it's nice now to have a more solidified plan of attack.

Bonus? I LOVE to make lists and as part of the Alli program you document your daily chow sessions so that you keep track of the calories and fat you've consumed. I have us on 1,200 calories a day and 39 grams of fat (the lowest program outlined in the book).

Fingers are crossed that no "accidents" happen! =)

p.s. Has anyone tried these pills? If so, I'd love to know about your experiences.

Day 60-62 (suck-u-bus)

2008-03-03T12:30:00.001-06:00

I am a suck-u-bus. Not like the one in Webster’s world where a sex-crazed demon assumes the female form to do “laundry” with men in their sleep (I would need some semblance of a sex drive to do that, sorry honey! Lol!).

In my world, it means I suck all of the motivation, inspiration, desire and passion from my soul and fill the gaping hole with what else? Food.

I am so tired of my ramblings … ricocheting between “I’m all fired up and ready to tackle the fatty patty side of myself” to “Um, yeah, I ate my weight in cheese last night. Oops.”

Ugh. I’m now more than 60 days into my mission to become a hot mama and I am still sabotaging my do-gooder efforts at every turn.

I truly am my own worst enemy.

This past weekend I gave into every craving, every “I’ll eat it just because it’s there,” every “why the hell not?”

The end result?

Barfing in the bathroom at midnight last night.

No, this time it was NOT self-induced, well, not directly anyway.

At first I thought I had food poisoning, but since Chris never joined the puke party, I ruled that out. Then I thought I must be getting the stomach flu, but when does that ever release its death grip after just 5 short rounds?

Conclusion? I can’t fight my suck-u-bus mentality, so my body is gonna’ do it for me. I ate weigh too much and so I had to be taught a lesson. A rough one.

Well, all I can say is today is a new day. A chance to start again. As I write this on my lunch break (a whole-wheat pita with turkey and a vanilla yogurt) I can only hope that I can remain true to my mission: “To release the thin within.”

Day 56-59 (Weigh Day #8)

2008-02-29T07:47:00.005-06:00

OOPS! I'm 3 days late on my weigh day post. What a slacker! It's hard to get motivated about posting the same number every week. Sigh.

The devil scales revealed, yet again, that I'm holding steady at 215.

But that's all me (well, and that damned lobster-steak-crab-dessert dinner I inhaled last Saturday).

Anywhoo, determined to get off the hamster wheel and actually make some progress, I asked a co-worker for some tips (thanks "twit"!). Said coworker suggested many things, two of which I have begun implementing.

The first is to add intervals to my dreadmill routine. I'd tried this when I first started working out a couple of months ago, but I was soooo outta' shape at that point that I could barely manage to walk for 20 minutes, much less run.

But now that I've been logging 40 minutes at a pretty decent pace, I thought what the hell.

OH! My! God!

My massive frame was not designed to run!!! Tuesday and Wednesday I did 35 minutes broken into intervals of 3 minutes fast walking and 1 minute running. (Thank goodness Barbie wasn't there!)

At one point I made the mistake of looking into the wall o' mirrors during my "run." I felt like I was performing like a gazelle ... all light and graceful (contrary to the groaning protests of the dreadmill), but when I caught a glimpse of myself I saw this horribly uncoordinated hippo struggling to stay alive. You'd think there was some kind of wild game hunter chasing me with a shotgun and spear the way I was swaggering left and right, barely breathing (or breathing so much you couldn't tell there was any inhale/exhale).

If you want to see sexiness, just come see me at the gym! =)

To my credit, though ... hippo that I am kept on plodding along (sans mirror!).

I did take Thursday off to recoup and as of this AM, my calves are still hard as rocks ... I'm working that stilted robot swagger. It's hot.

Another tip that I'm working on is no carbs after 5. This method is based on the idea that all organs have a time of day at which they function to maximum capacity. The liver, which does the heavy lifting where carbs are concerned, peters out after 5. So, it's better to squeeze them in earlier rather than later. Or so the theory goes.

We'll see if these two new tips have any result at the next weigh day. Until then, this hippo's gonna' keep on ploddin' along. (Hope that game hunter doesn't spear me in the ass!)