day 6: here’s the deal

Somewhere between complete obsession and complete apathy I lost my way when it came to the hot mama mission I started more than a year ago. I’ll be honest, I knew what I was doing.

It started when the face staring back at me in the mirror looked like a distorted version of the one I had always known. As someone who’s been heavy her entire life, I’ve always dreamed of what it would be like to snag anything off the rack and have it fit like a glove (rather than a sausage casing). But, dreams often have a way of becoming twisted in reality.

Though I was still a hefty chica, there was a much smaller heft than there once had been and I suddenly found myself afraid of the unfamiliar territory.

So, I sabotaged. I was like an anorexic in reverse. I ate everything I could and willed myself to regain the weight I’d lost. And, fortunately/unfortunately I succeeded. It’s complete lunacy, I know, but the mind is a sneaky lil’ devil.

Somewhere along the line, I lost control of what I was doing and spiraled beyond where I had intended to go. The message became, “eeh, what’s another 5 pounds?”

Five lead to another 5 and then another and another until I was two pounds shy of where I had started.

And then I was scared. I couldn’t let myself cross that line.

So, here I am, starting over, rather than charting continued progress.

But, that’s completely OK. That’s the great thing about life … second helpings and second chances. ;)

When I was battling infertility a few years ago, the specialist said losing weight was one of the things I could do to help improve my chances of becoming a mama. So I did. I lost 45 pounds.

But, I had help. Help I have sought again.

Since I allowed myself to be swallowed by the emotional cycle of eating these past few months, there was no way for me to get my mind right and ready to tackle this challenge again.

So, I called the doc and got a Rx for an old friend … phentermine.

Yes, it’s half of the infamous phen/phen, but for me, it works. It takes the edge off, it’s like the chubby chick’s nicotine patch. And I love it!

I wish I could do this on my own, but, right now I can’t. And I’m OK with that. I still have to muster all the willpower in my world not to submit to the emotional triggers that make me want to plow through a box of Girl Scout cookies. It’s still me taking on the beast every single day, I just happen to be packing heat this time. ;)

There’s also a second step in my new plan of attack, but details on that to come later …

Until then, I’m hitting the gym, eating light and doing the best I can.