Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Days 339-365 (countdown to expo)

Yep, I've been MIA for awhile ... I thought I had my food demons beat last go 'round but boy was I wrong (wrong! wrong!). Those suckers reared their ugly little heads (which just so happen to look exactly like french fries and cheesecake, go figure!)the past few weeks and I gave in.

But, with less than two weeks until I have to work a week-long tradeshow in Vegas in a shirt I ordered a size too small (as motivation to get back in gear), I am now in panic mode! (what a doof!)

The office is in super-drive getting everything ready for Expo ... even calling in heaping plates of pasta and breadsticks for everyone to nosh on while they work ... not this chubbo, though. I hightailed it to the gym and snagged a plain baked potato and grilled chicken breast on the way back ... yummo. ;)

I hope daily workouts and mini meals will help me squeeze my way into my shirt. If not, the world will hear my sobs all the way from the Vegas strip. ;)

p.s. While I was on the eliptiKILL today (cusing the machine and myself), something caught my attention. It wasn't the hard-body workout Barbie I idolize or the beefcake boy with the rippling muscles (yes, they were there, but that's another story) ... it was a flash of metal. It was A WALKER! In a GYM! HUH? I angled for a better view and saw a white-haired woman in her late 60s doing working her way through a set of arms. It wasn't until she made her off the machine and to the water fountain that was I became in complete aww of her ... the walker was hers! Not a friend's (my first suspicion), but hers. She pushed her way out the door and I then pushed myself to burn an extra 50 calories. Thanks for the inspiration! ;)

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Days 338-339 (my chad crandfords are killin' me)

So, last week it was my Suzanne Summers that were killing me (a la the infamous thigh master era). This week it's my calves, which have been named the Chad Cranfords after a coworker who has great ones (or so CG has informed me).

Previously terrified of the eliptiKILL (because literally I felt I was dying after 2 minutes on that thing), I am happy to report that today I was able to rock out 30 minutes on that bad boy. Who-hoo!

I'm sure my cavemates weren't happy about the wretched gym stench I brought back with me after that monumentous feat, but, well, we're a team, and if I'm suffering, they have to, too. That's how the world works, right? ;)

On another note, I am sooo happy to have a fellow blogger joining me in the be-accountable-to-the-world ranks. Shelly over at Sawatzky Survivors has just launched her weight-loss blog One Pound at a Time and it's awesome. And I'm so stinkin' jealous. Her current weight (she looks amazing) is where I was this summer ... I wanna' be back there. NOW. UGH. Seeing her has made me realize how much I've backtracked and I'm more irritated and more motivated than ever. So for that, I'm totally grateful she's sharing her weight woes with the world. ;) Go gett'em girl! I'm right behind ya'.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Days 328-337 (let's talk turkey)

Last Monday, I embarked on a fitness challenge with coworker Gage (CG). And, knowing that possible humiliation in the workplace and probable humiliation online loomed before me should I not complete my latest weight-loss goal (17 fatties by Christmas, click here for backstory), we opted to up the ante with a financial twist.

So, here’s the deal. CG and I have to hit the gym at lunch four days a week (we get a one-day reprieve). And, if because of laziness/slothness/whateverness either of us skips more than one workout per week (sick babies are an exception) we have to pony up 5 bucks for each missed sweat session. (Um, yeah mama's buying a house in exactly 13 days … mama ain’t got no cash … and therein lies the 1-2 punch. ;) )

Anywhoo, smart as I am, I thought starting this new regime the week of Thanksgiving would be a fantastic idea. I’m a genius, I tell, total genius!

We worked out on Monday (a little sore, but nothing to complain to Mom about). Skipped Tuesday (we had a company lunch thing). And went back on Wednesday (worked the wings … YOWZA!!!).

I was shocked and amazed when, at 9:30 Turkey Day morning, I found all of my wobbly bits wobbling all over the dreadmill while watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (I could so relate to those poor blimps wafting down the street). Yay me!

But, my fitness fire was quickly extinguished as I a gluttonously ate my way through the remainder of the holiday weekend, coming up for air only briefly between bites.

But, like any good chunky monkey with a great financial burden to bare, I climbed back up on that eliptiKILL today (Coop was sick yesterday), worked the legs on weights (targeting my Suzanne Somers … youch!) and am now exhausted and sore.


Just 23 days left to achieve my goal.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Days 323-327 (enough is enough)

When you do really well at overhauling your life (well, in the eating/working out departments) and then suddenly derail for no apparent reason, it can be incredibly difficult to get back on track. I’ve tried (and failed) many, many times since August, but really, until you get your mind right, you’re just spinning your wheels.

Well, I’m tired of spinning. I’m ready to get going again. And here’s why:

1.) In mid January I’ll be working my company’s ginormous trade show (in Vegas, baby! Who-hoo) for a week. And, if I don’t get my endurance back up, I’m gonna’ be sweatin’ like a pig and be all kinds of exhausted. Not a purty sight (unless in the confines of a gym).

2.) We have to wear “uniforms” at the show, which I tried on on Friday. BLECK! The button-down shirts all the girls wear go up to a 2XL, but if your fluff doesn’t fit in that size, you have to slip into a totally different style shirt … HELL NO! I tried on the 2XL (it runs small) and it was tight across my back and across the ladies in front. Was NOT cute. Then I tried on the 3XL, it was huge … I looked 6 mos preggars. I REFUSE to be the only one wearing a different shirt simply because I can’t keep my hands off Ben & Jerry (don’t judge, they’re hot, lol!).

3.) Also in January, I’ll turning, dum-da-dum-dum-duuuuuuum: 30!!! I don’t want to walk into my 30s with the lingering doubt and insecurities of my 20s (which have taken up residence in my chins/cheeks/guts/girls).

4.) I made a promise last year that I would do this for Cooper. I would do this for Chris. And I would do this for myself. And I did, for awhile. But somewhere along the way I got tired of the fight and I gave up, gave in. And because of that, guilt follows me everywhere, as does my lethargy and feelings of inadequacy, ugliness and shame.

So, here I am, just a few days before the biggest feast of the year and I am resolving that tomorrow will be a new day. A new chance to start again. It won’t be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is, right?

My first goal is to lose the 17 pounds I’ve put back on by Christmas. That’s 32 days from now, a little less than half a pound a day. If I hit the gym and eat well, I know I can do this. I have to do this.

The pants are Old Navy khakis, size 14 … they fit about three months ago.
The white tee is a plain jane shirt, also a size 14 … it too fit about three months ago.

I will be taking pics in this outfit once a week to track progress. As I'm completely mortified by these photos, I'm counting on the public humiliation I feel at sharing these online to keep me moving forward. (Fingers/toes/legs/arms are crossed).

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Days 301-322 (yum, yum, gimme' some)

yup. still eating my way through life. After months of progress, I'm moonwalking my way back into a size 17-18. Niiiiiice. Thank heavens for cooler weather and lots of layers. ;)

While I may be inhaling food like a freakin' hoover, I'm so incredibly happy for my blogging buds who are whittlin' their middles ... Brandi and Beth are rockin' it out over at Losin' It Together (lookin' good ladies!) and Shelly is boot campin' her way to a better bod at Sawatzky Survivors. Who-hoo ladies (yes, I'm a whoo girl ... thanks How I Met Your Mother for cluing me in), I'm coming to y'all for inspiration and motivation.

Keep on keepin' on. ;)

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Days 270-300 (wash, rinse, repEAT)

Um, a quick shout out to Shelley for clueing me into the fact that it's been a month since my last post. OOPS. I'm sure you can guess as to what has been driving my avoidance of this particularly personal/public forum. ;)

Despite last month's rekindling of the go gett'em attitude, I quickly succumbed to the stressors of house hunting, moonlighting, busy season at work, tight budget, no budget, fast fixes, personal shortfalls and the list goes on and on.

At last check (yesterday), I had gained back a whopping 17 pounds!!!!!!!!! And I can feel every grissly molecule of those 17 pounds refilling my third chin/third stomach/bubble gum cheeks.

I crave sweets now like nobody's business. I seek solace in the chocolate, ooey gooey goodness that only a candy bar can provide. The calorie-charged treats provide a welcome respite for my weary soul (though it lasts mere minutes).

Sad and quite pathetic, I've become the embodiement of Bridget Jones sans cigarettes.

I keep wondering at what point I will feel so completely disgusted that I will force myself back on track. I obviously have yet to hit that proverbial bottom, damn it. ;)

I'm hoping that as soon as one thing is taken off my "to do" list (hello, house hunting Gods), that I can find the energy to focus back on my mama mission.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me ... or you may just see me "float" by in the Macy's Day parade, tethered, of course, to 30-something handlers.

p.s. the pic at top was taken last weekend ... sigh.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Day 269 (we made it)

I don't know how you'd begin to spell that breathy little sigh of relief you do as you dramatically swipe the back of your hand across your forehead, but if I could, it would be here (so just pretend).

I was so, so, sooooo relieved that Coop and I made it through the JDRF walk yesterday with no major meltdowns (his or mine). Without the hubs there to run parental interference, I was a little nervous that halfway through Coop might bug out on me.

But, yay! He was a total trooper. In fact, he sawed logs for most of the 3-mile walk/ride. And, because I'm clearly M.O.Y. (mom of the year), not only did I sign-up my 1-year-old to join me in a long walk at the crack of dawn, but I also scheduled seven (yes, 7!!!) back-to-back tours of homes for sale with our realtor (again, sans daddy as he was at the ranch working) just an hour-and-a-half later. Niiiiice!

But, he did amazing And, bonus ... hauling that little 20-plus pounder out of the carseat, up to, around and through the house (some of the floors were not fit for bare feet --eek!), back into the carseat and wash, rinse, repeat seven times in 90-plus temps had to burn some serious cals (who-hoo!).

Now, umm, just don't ask how hot I've done today (mum's the word, lol).

Cooper lovin' on Leesa, our JDRF team captain.

Coop "walking" it out in his "For Cade" t-shirt.

Zonked. Who knew a 3-mile ride could be so exhausting?

p.s. A huuuuge thanks to everyone who donated to JDRF, the event/experience was amazing.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Days 267-268 (one more time)

Before this year, I'd never participated in any kind of charity walk. Then, I became a mama and was suddenly overcome with the desire to give back, to pay it forward and to instill in Coop from day one that doing for the greater good is a beautiful, powerful, important part of life.

That said, tomorrow will be my third (and final) walk for charity for 2008. Coop and I will both be slipping on our walking shoes in the hope of raising money and awareness for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation.

And, this one hits pretty close to home. A dear family friend, a precious 5-year-old little boy, was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes as a result of a sudden, life-altering medical condition, which landed him in Cook Children’s last year. Thanks to a great team of doctors (and amazing parents), he is now doing great, but it’s an ongoing battle.

So, in his honor and in honor of the other millions of children afflicted with this disease, Cooper and I will be walking it out. And we'd love to have your help.

If you can spare even a dollar, please visit my web page by clicking here.

Thanks everyone for your support over the past few months, you've helped this mama feel better than she ever has!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Days 260-266 (yes!)

Well, it only took me a week of saying I’d do it (and two months lamenting that I wasn’t doing it), but I am officially back on track. Who-hoo! It’s my third day in the gym and man is my body telling me my break was waaaay too long! YOWZER!

Monday I took my first yoga class and I felt like a total dumb ass. Clumsy and sweaty and falling all over myself, when everyone else was doing the “airplane” I was more like a jumbo jet headed for a crash landing. But, I pushed through the 60 minutes of downward dog and cobra and other crazy HA-inspired movements, finally ending with a “Namaste” and an exhausted muscular system.

Yesterday was weights and today was cardio and though my thighs are SCREAMING at me, I feel really, really good. YAY!

Oh, and I can please tell you how in love I am with the Lean Pocket! (Kudos to Gage for turning me onto them.) I believe the genius behind the Lean Pocket is 1.) the removal of some of the crap that goes straight to the thighs and 2.) the fact that, out of the microwave, the Lean Pocket is like a billion degrees … rendering even the hungriest of hippos completely unable to inhale without searing every inch of the mouth … now that’s portion control in a handy, dandy pocket. SWEET!

p.s. This is my 100th post about my hot mama mission! So glad I had something positive to report! NA-MAMA-STE! ;)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Days 258-259 (FVB)

Well, it always comes back to the best laid plans … I had hoped to hit the gym over the weekend, but that plan was blown outta’ the water by a sick little one who only wanted mommy. Then, I had hoped to hit the gym yesterday only to have my body consumed by some hideous flu/virus/bug (FVB, if you will) thing that’s had me curled in the fetal position on the bathroom floor (yes, it’s THAT kind of hideous FVB thing), in bed or on the couch for what is now approaching 36 hours (I’m still currently in bed as I type this).

UGH! Just call me A River Runs Through It. ;)

Last night I was called demented by my friend Hillary for knowing the following: I have lost six pounds thanks to my hideous little FVB thing. “Why are you weighing yourself when you’re sick???” she asked.

Um, because I have to find some silver lining to this nastiness in order to keep me from crawling out of my skin. And, if it takes a hideous little FVB thing to get my fat ass back on track and headed toward achieving my hot mama mission, then I’ll gladly take it.

And, well, yes, she’s right, I am just a little demented. ;) Now, gotta’ assume the fetal position and get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow I can actually make it to the gym …

Monday, September 15, 2008

Days 254-257 (walkin')

On Saturday I completed my second (ever) charity walk and, though Hurricane Ike threatened to send the Dallas area a nasty little tropical storm, the weather held out (just some wind and minor rain to contend with).

The 5K was the most my body has moved in, um, a month and if felt gooooood to get back out there (plus, being able to plod down the center of downtown Dallas without the fear of a hit and run was awesome!).

I didn’t make it to the gym to sign-up for a membership as I had hoped … Coop was running fever and coughing up a lung, so the fam stayed pretty close to home (I know, I know, excuses, excuses). But, I am happy to report that I printed a 7-day-check-it-out-to-see-if-you-like-it gym pass and am planning on joining some coworkers for a lunch-hour sweat session! Who-hoo! And, since I haven’t worked out in forever, I’ll probably be sweatin’ after just five minutes. Score!

I have two weeks (from today) until I have to go back to the cardiologist and I would love to shed the pounds I just plopped on by then. Little milestones …

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Days 238-253 (let's talk)

It’s been 15 days since my last post …what can I say, I’ve been busy … stuffing my face.

I was putting my make-up on the other day and words and realizations started filling my mind … so much so that I had to stop, grab the laptop and get it all down. It was 6:47am, I needed to leave in 20 minutes, I wasn’t ready (not even close) and Coop was still asleep …

Before my shower I jumped on the scale. I knew it would be bad, I’ve been a baaaaad girl, but I didn’t expect double digits bad. I have gained 12 pounds since late July.

I have sabotaged myself and with every missed workout and every extra bite of food I knew it. I was making a conscious decision to do it.

And I’ve just figured out why. When you’re a hefty child who grows up (and out) into a hefty adult, a fat frame is all you’ve ever known. You come to rely on that fluff … though it may incur some rejection and/or disgust, it becomes your safety blanket, your shield for which you can hide behind.

And, at some point that blanket started to wear thin. And it made me nervous.

My entire life I’ve wanted to be the better, dare I say the best, at everything. But, here’s the thing, what if I finally achieve a healthy weight and realize I will never look any better, can’t be any better and I’m still not happy. Then what? I’ve used my weight as an excuse … but when the weight goes away, well, what happens then?

Rejection or the inability to achieve then becomes something personal, rather than physical.

I started blogging about my journey knowing that I needed to be accountable to someone other than myself. Well, that idea stops working when you stop blogging and start hiding. And, I realize now, that’s what I’ve been doing.

I’d like to send a huge thank you to Leslie and Tammy — blogging buds I’ve never met, but, who, through their recent “Where the hell are you?” comments, have brought me back to the blogosphere.

I wish I had something positive to share with you ladies in the world of weight loss, but I don’t right now. My freelance writing job is eating up the extra time I used to spend at boot camp and the gym and I know this is a huge part of my sudden down fall. But, as the hubs and I are both working side jobs to pad the house fund (we’re buying in December/January), something, somewhere had to give.

I’m hoping to join a new gym this weekend with a friend and workout buddy and find a new groove that successfully marries “real” work, “side” work, being with Coop, being with the hubs and being with myself … we’ll see how it goes.

p.s. FINALLY got my heart monitor on Tuesday. My episodes are pretty frequent, which is good right now … want to snag some good recordings for the doc so he will suggest surgery and FINALLY get this little issue over with. YAY!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Days 235-237 (heart help)

As most everyone knows, I have a little heart condition. Diagnosed when I was 18, it's nothing serious, but it can be incredibly painful when the wonky ticker decides to throw a hissy fit (as it's been doing lately).

Yesterday afternoon, after a particularly agonizing episode, I found myself in the cardiologist’s office. As I was waiting, I could hear the whispers of other patients sharing their stories, their reasons for being there. Heart attack. Stroke. Inoperable cancer impairing the ventricles of the heart.

I was instantly overcome. I felt blessed that my own story read as a fairy tale in comparison to the ones wafting around the waiting room. I ached for the others, especially the elderly couple situated beside me, who seemed so deserving of a miracle.

It was at that moment that I sent up a quick thank you for my wonky ticker and reignited my desire to raise funds for the American Heart Association. I can’t create a miracle on my own, but maybe if we all band together, we can raise the funds so that the crew in the white lab coats can.

There are just three weeks left until I slip on my walking shoes in an effort to stomp out heart disease. Please help me help those who need it most by making an online donation by clicking here.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

227-234 (have a heart)

Well, it’s been another unsuccessful week in the dieting, um my mistake, “healthy lifestyle” world. I skipped boot camp on Tuesday because I was so behind on my freelance work that I needed every spare second to get caught up. On Thursday, I had to leave after 35 minutes. My heart was having MAJOR flare-ups and I just couldn’t get them under control. The episodes lasted until I went to bed … it hasn’t been that bad since I was preggars with Coop. Sigh.

The hubs and I have agreed that I need to talk to my cardiologist about the possibility of having surgery in January (when the flexible spending account is full again) to fix my wonky ticker. I think it’s a fairly minor, non-invasive surgery, but hello, it’s MY HEART! The doc did tell me that it’s a must-do before I get another bun tossed in my oven. Boo.

Anywhoo, I’m not sure what to do about boot camp. I don’t want to quit, I love the camaraderie with the other chicas and well, I’ve come to depend on DS’ “tough love,” but grr … I’m not doing myself any good if I can’t do the workout.

I need to find an activity I can do that will melt the fat off without inducing a heart episode. I don’t know what the sudden onset is all about. I’ve been doing boot camp for months with no issue, but holy Hannah, this past month has been kicking my arse. I’m sure it has absolutely nothing to do with my on-again, off-again “health” kick and my completely erratic eating habits (chocolate chip cheesecake, anyone??).

Thinking of checking out the gyms in my area to see what classes they offer (I’ve become a total class-setting junkie … thanks for the head’s up Megan!). But, first, I guess I’ll call my cardio guy and see what he has to say. Don’t want to drop dead or anything … especially while sweating like a pig … who’d give mouth-to-mouth to a gal who smells like a three-day-old jock strap? Even I wouldn’t haunt the paramedics for letting me walk toward the light.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Days 219-226 (and it keeps going ...)

Two hundred and twenty-six freakin’ days I’ve been working (or lamenting that I’m not working) on my hot mama mission.

You’d think after the better part of a year, something (anything) would’ve gotten easier. Sigh.

Well, I guess the bitching has gotten easier.

At this point I’m just going through the motions. My NOtivation continues.

I went to boot camp yesterday and sucked major wind. I have a little heart condition that’s been rearing its ugly head during class lately, which makes me think it may be time to try a different workout routine (pilates, perhaps?).

I’m completely at odds with myself and I don’t know what to do. I’m still up 5 pounds since vacation (holding at 198 … grr), but that’s not my body revolting, that’s just me giving into weakness.

I deserve to wear the multi-pound albatross (complete with a bag of Fritos in the talons) around my neck—um, gut.

DS said I sucked yesterday. He was right (but I'd never tell him that). I felt that I was doing the best I could at the time (taking my misfiring blood pumper into account). I'm a little sore today, which is always good, but I'm just out of it. Off kilter. And I honestly have no clue how to get back.


Thursday, August 7, 2008

Days 211-218 (NOtivation)

Well, kids, it’s time to come clean, I have lost all motivation. Every single drop of it — as evidenced by lack of recent blogging and my reluctance to post my last two weigh days.

I don’t really know what’s caused this sudden shift … maybe it’s the string of sweltering 100-plus degree days (it’s just too damn hot to give a damn … about anything) or maybe it’s because I haven’t been able to break out of the 190s for three months and I’m just exhausted from trying to beat down that door.

I’m sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I picked up a freelance job last week and so, when I should be working out, I’m writing. But, since the goal is to get into a house at the end of the year, extra $$$ is crucial (mama needs deco funds, lol!). (The pic above is me working last weekend poolside, instead of actually burning a cal IN the pool. But, I did keep the fan off so that I would at least sweat out some calories ... it was, after all, 107 that day!)

Anywhoo, I’m still doing boot camp and trying (I use this word loosely) to stay on track, but right now, in this moment, if someone presented me with a plate of sprinkle donuts, French fries and some lasagna on the side, I wouldn’t hesitate to lick the plate clean.

DS did do measurements last week at the end of our third month in boot camp. I’m still seeing results, but certainly nothing earth shattering (hmm, maybe that has something to do with eating my weight in pizza).

From June 21-July 31, I have:
*stayed the same in my neck: 13”
*stayed the same in my chest: 38”
*gained .25 inches in my biceps: 14”
*lost .5 inches in my forearms: 10”
*lost .25 inches in my abs: 35”
*lost .75 inches in my hips: 43"

*gained 1.5 inches in my thighs: 24”
*gained .25 inches in my calves: 16.5”

Overall, in three months of boot camp (going, on average, twice a week), I’ve now lost a combined 10.5 inches. And I am excited about the nice increase in muscle in my thighs. Hell, if you have to have big o’ honking legs, might as well have ones that don’t wiggle as much when you walk. =)

Fingers are crossed that this NOtivation is temporary (especially since I just passed off two boxes of my “bigger” clothes to a coworker). If anyone has any words of encouragement, inspiration or a photo that will kick me outta’ my funk, please share!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Day 210 (hearting DS)

Just when I was getting used to thinking of DS as the biggest pain in my large ass, he goes and sends me an incredibly kind e-mail that has me thinking I should downgrade him to simply “a pain.”


After missing three boot camp sessions last week due to vacay, I knew yesterday’s workout was going to be a rough one. And the session did not disappoint. But it was more my body rejecting the strenuous exercise more than the strenuous exercise rejecting me. I have a lil’ heart condition that flairs up on occasion and yesterday during BC I kept getting slammed by episodes … one right after the other.

I had to walk away several times to let my raging heart cool down. I think the waterworks that DS accidentally saw made him realize that I wasn’t just being a puss.

Anywhoo, I sucked it up as best I could and then I got the e-mail. I won’t share the message … DS would run me run until the fat literally flew off my love handles if I outt’ed his softer side (it would totally kill that whole tough-guy image he has working for him), but I just to share that it made my day.

I know he’ll still give me total crap tomorrow, I wouldn’t expect anything less, but at least now I know that his “encouragement” comes from a place of motivation, not intimidation.

Aww, DS is all about the tough love.

And that makes me heart him. Damn it.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Days 202-209 (moo)

What did 7 days of vacay get me? 7 pounds added directly to my waistline!

Hello, my name is Bessie and I am a cow.


Monday, July 21, 2008

Days 199-201 (vacay, baby)

Today, Chris, Coop and I are loading up and embarking on our first family vacation and I’m so excited! Last week I was consumed by a nasty case of the nervous nellies (click here for backstory), but an overwhelming sense of summer-lovin’ freedom has since replaced my earlier feelings of anxiousness and unease.

Now, it’s all rah-rah, let’s hit the road.

But, I did not get to this point easily. Aside from my mommy issues, I have been battling the whole wardrobe dilemma. When your closet goes from t---h---i---s to this, your clothing options are severely limited. And, what’s so incredibly weird (and I never expected!) is that every time I went out to find stuff to wear on vacation, I was overcome with dread.


Smaller size, more fun stuff to choose from, right?

Sure, in a perfect world. But in mine? Not so much. While I’ve been losing weight, certain areas—specifically my gut—have become less dense than they were before, making them harder to conceal. When your stomach area is as solid as steel (with lard, not muscle), you can throw on a tee and not be concerned about the rolls plowing through. But now that everything’s waaaaay more wiggly and wobbly then it has ever been, the rolls could crash the look of a fur-lined parka.

In a nutshell? My stomach is now the world’s biggest jell-o jiggler!!


I keep reminding myself that this is a necessary evil. That I must endure the waterbed effect on my gut in order to achieve my hot mama mission, but it sooo sucks in the middle of summer. It’s not like I can slap a pair of Spanx on under my Bermudas in 103-degree temps (which it’s supposed to be today! ACK!). I would die of heat stroke.

Anywhoo, after several failed shopping attempts, two semi-successful ones (I say semi because each one netted a return trip to exchange stuff that, upon home bathroom-mirror inspection, looked like sausage casings on my wobbly bits) and one great one, I finally have clothes that I actually feel kinda’ cute in. YAY!

Now, if I can just keep from eating my way toward a 20-pound weight gain over the next seven days …

Friday, July 18, 2008

Days 197-198 (at it again)

In April, Chris, Cooper and I donned our tennis shoes and hit the street for little feet in the March of Dimes, March for Babies walk. It was the first time I'd ever participated in a charity walk and it was amazing. I wondered why I'd never done it before. And now, I must confess, I'm addicted to the feeling of being a part of something bigger, something better.

This former couch cruiser has become a charity-walk junkie! Who'da thunk it!

Chris and I (with Coopie in tow) are now gearing up for two more walks this fall. On September 13, we will be steppin' out in support of the American Heart Association and on September 27 we will picking up the pace for Juvenile Diabetes.

Chris and I have each set a goal of $350 per event and, if we achieve those, that means we'll have raised a whopping $1,400 for the greater good. And doing that, would feel freakin' great!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Day 196 (Weigh Day #29 & $5 boot camp)

Well, guess what? I’m still a lard ass! Who, knew?

I worked extra-hard this past week in the hope of meeting (or at least inching closer to) the weight-loss goal I set last week of 191. Yes, in my post I said I hoped to achieve this by July 21, but um, yeah, NO! Not gonna’ happen. I stepped on the scale this AM and it laughed at me.

I lost a pound. One. Stinkin’. Pound. (yes, that brings my grand total to 34, which is awesome and I've lost nearly 10 inches overall, which DS always stresses is more important than the scale. But, um, he's a guy, he doesn't get a woman's obsession with "the" number. boo.)

Anywhoo, what did that dang hubby of mine lose? 5!!! Five. Woo-hoo, look-at-me, I-rock. Pounds.

Shit head.


On another note, despite the fact that I sucked major monkeys at boot camp last night (which prompted DS to say, “Why are you stopping? You can catch your breath when you’re dead.”), I’m still all gung-ho about getting people to join me in the torture. In fact, one anonymous blog reader posted the following Q earlier today:

“Are there still any openings? If so, how long will the introductory costs apply? This sounds like just what I need! Thank you for sharing.”

Well, fellow sweat seeker, I talked with DS and he said he’s extending the $5 boot camp offer to those who couldn’t make it to last Saturday’s class. Sweet! (Or is it sweat?) Anywhoo, for anyone who’s still interested in checking things out on the cheap, we’ll be there gasping for breath this weekend, same place, same time (click here for details, or call DS directly at 682.556.9487).

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Day 195 (lovin’ me some LSD …)

… um, no, not like the uber-hyped drug of the ’60s, but as in a self-described “fluffy butt” in Kentucky who has recently left me some of the most encouraging messages ever.

When I initially started this fatwhacking blogging venture, I was understandably nervous about the comments I might receive. The perceptions I might create. The anonymity of the Internet allows people to spew hate, should they feel so inclined, and as a hefty mama who has endured her fair share of tacky comments, I feared I was opening Pandora’s Box.

Thankfully, however, that box, to this point, has remained closed. A fact which has allowed me to bask in the support and encouragement bestowed upon me by perfect strangers, as well as dear family and friends.

I had hoped that by publicizing my trials (AAAAAALL of them), as well as my triumphs each coated in a thick, yummy batter of self-deprecation and humor that I might, somehow, manage to spark in someone else the desire to defluff the frame. I had also hoped that my online confessions would help to fan the flame of my own dedication and persistence — which tend to be about as consistent as politicians and gas prices.

I have now been at this for 7 months and it has been the best weight-loss experience ever. If I had not made myself accountable online, to those who know me, as well as those who don’t, I know I would have failed in my mommy mission and, well, failure is no longer an option.

While I still have many more boot camps to endure, cups of yogurt and turkey wraps to inhale and about 60 more pounds to lose, I just want to send this sincere shout out to everyone who has cheered me, (teasingly) jeered me and reminded me of why I’m sweating my ass off. I'm working to become the absolute best version of myself that I can be. For Cooper. For Chris. They deserve nothing less. And, I have finally realized, neither do I.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Days 192-194 (boot camp recruits)

Boot camp in Plano last Saturday was a huge hit! DS donned his fatigues and Army boots—gear I haven’t seen since the temps started creeping into the high 90s. We went back to counting-directed exercises, instead of self-directed, meaning being left to see how many squats we can make ourselves do in a minute (Believe me, the counting method is waaaaaaay more effective. Me, slack off??? No way!)

There were about 17 of us sweatin’ it out and I must confess, I had to bust my rear to keep up with the new recruits (damn you physically fit people — Ashley! Denae! Everyone else in front of me during the suicides!), a fact that I have been paying dearly for … my legs have been throbbing since Saturday. I bitched and whinned about the pain, but good Lord it felt good to know I worked so hard! Looking forward to what DS has on tap for today. (hmm, easier to say that when it’s still hours away!!!)

Friday, July 11, 2008

Days 190-191 (break a sweat!)

If you've been following my weigh-loss (mis)adventures, you know of my latest and greatest obsession: boot camp, baby!

I absolutely LUUUV ... to hate ... this workout! I just started my third session and so far I've lost a combined 9.75" in 10 weeks. Not too shabby for a former couch cruiser and total anti-sweater (as in body sweat, not merino wool layered on in the winter).

Anywhoo, here's my point, if you live in the Plano area, there's an awesome opportunity to check out boot camp tomorrow totally on the cheap!

If you’ve never tried boot camp, it’s hard to know what to expect from the workout — a fact that may be a deterrent for many (almost was for me!!!). With that in mind, I finagled a fantastic deal with my DS for this Saturday: an introductory class for only $5.

Tomorrow from 9:30-10:30 you can come and take the boot camp class and get a feel for what it’s all about without a hefty financial investment. If you like it (love it!), great, come back again (and again). If not, well, you sweat your rear off and only invested 5 bucks. Not bad!

Here are the details:
This Saturday Only: $5 boot camp (cost will be $20 per class after this introductory offer)
9:30-10:30 am
Westwood Park, 1001 Westwood Drive, Plano, TX, 75075

*Bring hand weights and an exercise mat (or a beach towel will also work)

This is open to ANYONE who wants to get fit, so please let others know about this great deal!

I'll be breaking a sweat in the AM, come join me (or come make fun of me, ya' know, whatever gets you there)!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Day 189 (Weigh Day #28 & the “L” word)

Shut up! Shuuuut up! (said with the “holy mother! you’ve got to be freakin’ kiddin’ me” exclamation.)

Diana Ross’s I’m Coming Out is playing in the background …
There's a new me coming out
And I just had to live
And I wanna give
I'm completely positive
I think this time around
I am gonna do it
Like you never knew it
Ooh, I'll make it through

And I’m coming out of the closet, which is actually incredibly hard to do when you had know clue you were actually IN the closet.

That’s right folks, I’m … drum roll please …

the “L” word.

I’m a LARGE!

HUH? WHAT the F?

The Double X Diva can now squeeze into a piece of clothing tagged with a one-digit “L”????

Are you shocked? I must be high.

Yesterday at boot camp, DS (finally) had Elite Fitness shirts ready for us to snatch up with our sweaty paws and I was mortified (MOR-TI-FIED!) when he handed me a large.

“Um, no. I can’t wear a large, rude. I need an XL.”

“No, you don’t. And, I don’t have any anyway.”

WHAT?!? Who doesn’t order XL shirts?

Apparently that whole “always stock XLs” rule doesn’t apply to boot camp tees.

I grabbed my tiny tee and hightailed it to my car, completely bummed because I knew the damn tank top (a Large AND sleeveless? This man is nuts!) would NEVER fit.

But. It. Did.

DS’ supplier must do vanity sizing because I can’t imagine being at all ready to shop in the “L” section of a store. I know my big ol’ body isn’t there. Yet.

But this is a good start. In one tiny corner of the “fashion” world, I’m the “L” word. And that rocks!

p.s. Weigh Day #28 did not disappoint! Last week I set a goal to simply maintain my 2-pound weight gain over the 4th of July weekend. But miraculously, I lost a pound. Who-hoo! New goal? To hit a goal I set weeks ago … to slide in at 191 by the time we roll out for summer vacation on July 21.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Day 188 (sweet meat!)

Um, OK, I don’t know if it’s the horizontal stripes expanding the width of my middle by about 100 pounds today or the fact that I chased a 1-year-old around the lake for three days, subsisting mainly on Diet Coke and Twizzlers … but I just snagged one of my Top 10 Greatest Compliments of All Time:

“You’re looking especially skinny today,” coworker PB said. “Did you do something special over the weekend?”

HA! Me? Skinny? The two words used in the same sentence and not in a sad little way that makes me want to inhale a pint of Ben & Jerry’s while commiserating with poor Bridget as she writes in her diary and chain smokes like a fiend??!!?? (Ex. Your friend is so skinny. Why aren’t you skinny? You really shouldn’t try to wear skinny jeans.)

This unexpected compliment, dished out from a highly unexpected source (see first comment ever to fall from said coworker’s lips) makes me exclaim, “sweet meat!” No, there’s no real relevance here, but Holy Hannah it’s just fun to say and it makes me smile … like a school girl downing Diet Coke and chewing on a Twizzler on an especially “skinny” day.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Days 183-187 (dishin’ the details)

Fellow Wylie alum and hilarious mommy blogger, Courtney, recently left me the following comment:

“I have a blog post topic request (I'm so demanding, huh?). Sometime, I want you to blog about what you eat...your diet, etc. Also, are you still taking Alli?”

Well, Courtney, queen of the cow-dung wreaking windy city (this would be Lubbock, the Texas version of Chicago), your request is my command:

I strive* to maintain a “diet” of 1200 calories and 39 grams of fat spread throughout the day—one of the programs suggested by Alli to prevent an ass explosion. (While my fear of having said A.E. at work now prevents me from popping the fat-blocking pills, I do try* to stick to the cal/fat grams. Please note the asterisking of both “strive” and “try” … denoting of course, that I rarely succeed at either. Sigh.)

Anywhoo, on a typical day, early in the AM, about 6ish, I nosh on something to get the metabolism going, usually a serving (3/4 cup) of vanilla and almond Special K (110 calories and 1.5 grams of fat sans milk … I’m not a milk-mush on my cereal kind of girl) or a Nature Valley strawberry yogurt granola bar (140 calories and 3.5 grams of fat).

Then, 3 hours later (I eat something every three hours to fuel the fire), I snack on a serving of animal crackers or pretzels (a count of 16 is about 110 cals and 1.5 grams of fat for each) or a Wal-Mart brand (the best!) vanilla yogurt (80 cals and about 1.5 grams of fat).

Around noon I eat one of the two snacks I didn’t eat at 9 (pretzels/crackers/yogurt), along with a wrap … take one plain flour tortilla, slather on some mustard and slap on two slices of 98-percent fat free turkey—yum-o (don’t remember exact nutrition facts on this one, but it’s purty good).

At 3ish, I inhale the remaining snack. At 6 (or 7 on boot camp nights), I usually eat a large piece of baked chicken or tilapia (mama likes her “meat”) with half of a plain baked potato with salt/pepper and salad supreme (this is the BEST for adding cheesy taste with little cals) or rice or raw carrots with ranch dip (ooh, bad girl!).

After Coop’s tucked in bed and BEFORE 8 (I don’t eat after 8) I indulge in a 100-calorie snack pack of fudge stripes or lorna doone cookies or a slice of angel food cake with cool whip (you must say whip like Stewie on the Family Guy … whhhhhip).

Sprinkle in about half a dozen Diet Pepsis and two or three bottles of water with crystal light on-the-go mixed in for funzies and there you have it … a snapshot of my trough on a good* day.

You may have noticed an alarming absence of any fresh fruits or veggies (or canned/frozen/hermetically sealed fruits or veggies for that matter) in my menu. Um, yeah, I hate ‘em, so I rarely eat ‘em, but, I have been known to sneak in carrots, apples and the occasional banana. I loathe this about myself, but try as I might, I can’t keep the gag reflex from letting any of the “good stuff” go down. Perhaps I should look into hypnotherapy for help. I sure as shit don’t want Coop to be as obnoxious in his eating habits as I am.

Anywhoo, on Tuesdays and Thursdays (and now Saturday mornings starting this week) I do boot camp for an hour, which, according to one calorie-burn calculator, sweats off more than 700 calories … yippee! Two other nights (I take two nights off) I walk on the treadmill or hit the park and do some of the strength training exercises from BC.

If I were able to stick to this plan for more than a few days at a time, I’m sure the weight would be melting off. But, I’m weak and a weiner, so I deal with the set backs and keep pushing forward.

Hope this helps! If you have ANY tips, please dish!!!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Days 175-182 (Weigh Days #26 and #27)

Hello world, I’m a slacker—both in my blogging and in my hot mama mission. It’s been 8 days since my last fatwacker confession and equally as long since I worked diligently toward my goal of shedding some tonnage. Oops.

But, like any good fat girl, I do have great justifications for my slip-up(s). My mom was in town over the weekend (we had tickets to see Hairspray – love it! YAY for the chubby gal who gets the guy!) and I didn’t want to think about calories/fat grams/working out … I just wanted to enjoy my time with her. So. I. Did. And I ate my way through just about every minute she was here. It was heaven spread on a cracker!

Then, my lil’ sis made me an auntie on Monday and who am I to stand in the way of a fresh-baby celebration that includes big breakfasts, big dinners and lots of snacking in between? Not me. I’m not going to be the pooper at that party.

Anywhoo, needless to say, my last two weigh days have been in the plus category, as in plus in pounds, not in success. Last Wednesday (Weigh Day #26) I logged in at 195 and this AM (Weigh Day #27) I added yet another pound, 196.

I boot camped yesterday (major suckage) and did well on the eating, my total caloric intake was 950, but I have happy hour tonight and then I dive straight into a long 4th-of-July weekend at the lake, so I’m not really holding out much hope that my willpower will be strong enough to withstand the temptations (the food and drink kind, not the band).

I think my goal will be to simply maintain for the next weigh day, if I can keep from tacking on another pound over the next few days, I’ll consider that a small (very small) victory.

(Sidenote: Montana, you are sooo cute, I just want to eat you up! But, rest easy little one, I said ... and still say that about Coop ... and he's still alive, flinging cheerios in every direction. There are just too many calories in babies, lol. Love you Monti G!!! Welcome to the world baby girl.)

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Days 173-174 (burn baby, burn)

OK, so I was checking to see how hot it's gonna’ be at boot camp today and stumbled across this fun little feature, a calorie burn calculator, at weather.com and had to share.

I classified boot camp as circuit training for 60 minutes and input my weight and the handy dandy calculator said I would probably burn 730.77 calories! Holy Hannah! That's burnin' off a Big Mac and fries baby ... too bad I didn't eat a big mac and fries. Sigh.

Ooh, also, I subscribe to Hungry Girl (luuuve it) and one of last week's e-newsletters included a link to a basal metabolic rate calculator. This awesome feature tells you the number of calories you'd burn if you stayed in bed all day, which helps you determine how many you need to add in order to stay where you're at/lose a few, etc.

So what's my magic number? 1660.9!!! I would burn more calories than I "strive" (the term is used loosely!!) to consume normally, without factoring in workouts, simply by keeping my big o' butt in bed. Things that make you go hmmm.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Days 170-172 (hell, yes!)

Boot camp on Thursday SUCKED! DS was in my face (literally 2” away at one point) for the bulk of the workout and though I knew he was trying to push me, the last thing I wanted when my sweat was flying left and right and I couldn't breath was some muscle man occupying my personal space.

Not. Good.

But, Friday was better. Waaay better. DS still gave me grief, but he also took measurements and I was so excited by the results.

From May 15-June 20, I have:

*stayed the same in my neck: 13”
*lost 2 inches in my chest: now 38” (hell, yes!)
*stayed the same in my biceps: 13.75”
*stayed the same in my forearms: 10.5”
*lost 1.75 inches in my abs: 35.25” (hell, yes!)
*gained .5 inches in my hips: 43.75" (I’m told this is fine and that it’s because of the 18 gazillion squats that we do)
*lost .75 inches in my thighs: 22.5” (hell, yes!)
*gained 1.25 inches in my calves: 16.25” (this freaked me out a bit, especially since I lost 1.75” last time, but DS said the loss was fat and the gain is muscle … I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt on this one)

And, the absolute highlight of it all? The fam and I went to Old Navy yesterday and I snagged myself a new pair of work pants … in a size 14!!!! (Hmm, guess that means I should retire the size 22 swim suit and snag a new one, lol.)

Bonus? My hot little hubby went down a size, as well. He’s looking so stinkin’ good! The hottest daddy on the playground. ;)

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Days 167-169 (weigh day #25 & squat off!)

Well, suck, I didn't hit my goal of 191 this time, but I did reach a number I haven't seen since I was a fetus baking in my mama's belly: 194! It's not a lot from last week, but a 2-pound weight loss is a two-pound weight loss and when I lose, I gain ... self-esteem. YAY!

25 weigh days down, countless more to go!

p.s. I, and my fellow marketing boot campers are now OBSESSED with the plank off, which has now become the squat off (pictured above during a lunch meeting) and the balance off. It's crazy. It's fun. It's works. The next time you're stuck in a lame and/or heated conversation with someone, say "squat off!" ... it could make a world of difference! =)

Monday, June 16, 2008

Days 164-166 (daaaaaamn, gina)

before a workout in the sweltering Texas heat ....

... aaaaand after.

Chris' response? "Holy shit! I have never seen you that red. You're starting to freak me out."

thank you, dear.

p.s. Last Friday I had hoped to weigh in at 195.

Yay, I did it!

Now, just 2 more days until my 25th weigh in ... here's hoping I hit my goal of 191.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Days 162-163 (butt hiccups)

I don’t know if it was the previous night’s workout, the heat or just an over zealous “slug” gland acting up yesterday, but last night’s boot camp was brutal.

I wanted it over with before we were even 5 minutes in.

The words, “just shoot me” were playing over and over again in my head.

It sucked major monkeys!

To add to the overall misery of the evening, DS introduced a fun little exercise that, from an outsider’s viewpoint, would seem like nuthin’! NUTHIN’!! However, I wanted to cry. Hmm, maybe I did a little, there was definitely some sort of liquid rolling down my cheeks.

Anywhoo, the exercise is simply a pulsing squat done with your feet together for, um, an hour and then feet apart for another hour. Rinse and repeat.

“Pulse! Your butts should look like they have hiccups!” DS hollered.

Oh, they were all hiccupping all right.

My thighs are like cement this AM—thick blocks of cement that do not break, do not bend … not even when I need to pee. This would be a great day to be a guy.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Day 161 (weigh day #24)

Well, poo. I didn’t make it to boot camp yesterday. I’ve been battling a bug or a touch of the flu or a 3-day hangover … who knows, but whatever it is/was has had me pretty much incapacitated since Sunday.

I was hoping to push through it and make it to the sweat session, but I tanked during a marketing meeting and went home — crashing for more than four uninterrupted hours.

Still a bit queasy today (no, mom, I’m not knocked up), but waaay better than yesterday. I hope to squeeze in a workout this afternoon in preparation for what I can only assume will be a killer boot camp tomorrow.

Over the weekend, the fam and I spent quality time in A-town, indulging in the sweet treats at my lil sis’ baby shower and waaaay too many cocktails with the girls afterwards. I thought I was doing pretty well by sticking to my tried and true signature drink — Crown & Diet Coke — but I just yahoo’ed the calorie content and yowzer! A whopping 97 calories in one shot. OK, it’s not a terrible choice if you have one … but whoever stops at just one (or 3 or, um, 6 with a sangria swirl on the side?).

Anywhoo, despite my liquid libations and ice cream indulgences, I still managed to drop some poundage this AM — this the 24th (holy mother!!) weigh day. Currently, my weight is 196, down 3 pounds from last week’s disastrous scale-a-thon.

By the end of the week I feel certain I will be back to 195 (which I hit 2 weeks ago) and my goal is to be at 191 by next Wednesday. Hey, it’ll be the big 25, gotta’ set a great goal in honor of this monumental moment (I’ve NEVER stayed with any diet mission this long in my life!!!).

Now, if I can just stay away from that damn whiskey. Crap, girl’s night again this Friday. Hmm, maybe I’ll skip dinner and opt for a liquids-only diet. =)

p.s. So excited about the pic above! My collar bones have yet to make an appearance, but yay (!) you can see the bones in neck ... major progress! Who-hoo! Bummer I have such adorable friends though, if I were sitting next to oh, I don't know, Roseanne Barr instead of too-cute Keri, I'd look smokin'! HA!

p.s.s. The hubby just sent the updated "Falk's Fatwackers" spreadhseet, which calculates our percentage of weight loss to date. Drum roll, please ....
Since January, the launch of my mommy mission, I have lost 14% of my body weight and ... weight for it, weight for it, 25% since my highest weight (which was 260 during my infertile myrtle days). Who-hoo!

AAAAANNNDD, if that wasn't crazy enough, that hot hubby of mine, since April 2nd, has lost an amazing 12% ... 12% in only 2 months!!! He freakin' rocks!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Days 156-160 (no knees!)

Last Thursday’s boot camp was brutal. Since the bulk of my company was at a tradeshow last week, only four recruits could attend (all marketing folks) — meaning extra attention was paid to all by DS.


And what did DS choose to focus on? Running our asses into the ground! Literally, I think my left butt cheek is buried somewhere near a tree that I kept playing chicken with (who sets up suicide cones mere centimeters from a freakin’ tree anyway???!!).

The running (and the running and the running) and the jumping and the pushing all led to the pukage of one member (yay! another one bites the dust and it ain’t me, who-hoo!).

Despite my rampant complaining above, I must admit, pre the-runneth-my-rear-into-the-ground workout, the 3 amigos and I thought it would be a great idea to have a plank off! (You know, that killer core-strengthening exercise that works, like, EVERYTHING.)

When boot camp started, I could only hold the plank position for about 30 seconds … on my knees. But, last Thursday, holy mother, the clouds parted, the wind calmed and I held that bad boy for 1 minute and 56 seconds … and look ma, no knees!!!!!

Hillary, who’s been with me in the boot camp trenches from day 1, held it for a minute 45 (go Hilbur!!!) and the boys, Gage and Khris, who are fairly recent recruits, both petered out at 1 minute, 5 seconds. SWEET!

Hillary and I were so excited by our progress that we were jumping around like we had ants in our pants (hmm, a plank in the grassy field of a park, we probably DID have ants in our pants). And, when we shared the news of our triumph with DS, there seemed to be, dare I say, a smile of pride that crept across his fitness-obsessed little face (too bad that pride seemed to fade when I walked the last leg of the last suicide. Oops.)

Anywhoo, gearing up for a re-plank off (my goal is 2:15) and the second session of boot camp, which starts this afternoon. DS, I hope to make you proud (just please don’t make me puke).

p.s. The pics above are of a weary Gage who showered the lawn with his lunch ... way to take one for the team!)

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Days 154-155 ( Weigh Day #22 & swoosh)

Yesterday's weigh-in was dismal. As in fingertips touching the 200s dismal. I weighed in at 199 (holy shit balls!), 4 pounds more than last Thursday.

I knew it was gonna' be bad. I shouldn't have been surprised. Hell, maybe I wasn't. Who knows. Today I tried again and was back down to 197, so kuddos to me on that small (repeat) victory. (The yo-yo and I are becoming very close friends).

Today is a new day and I've decided that it’s time for a mantra trifecta. I started with “I will release the thin within!” Then I added, “Food is fuel, not entertainment.” And now, brand a swoosh on my butt, it’s time to go full-force Nike … as in “Just Do It!”

I’ve grown tired of this whole diet/workout business and I’ve (finally) realized (or realized AGAIN) that I’ve got to get out of my head and just do it.

Stop thinking about it. Worrying about it. Stressing about it. Just freakin’ do it. On autopilot. No emotions.

Tuesday’s boot camp went well. Someone finally tossed their cookies!! (sweet! DS must be so proud). And I’ve got T-minus 75 minutes until the next session starts. I’m going to do my best to do my best and see how well that goes.

Running. Jumping. Groaning in agony. I’m just going to do it and hope I can push past this mental plateau I’ve slung my lazy carcass across.


Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Day 153 (ack!)

I’m just gonna’ be reeeeeally honest here. Like downright painful honest. Last week after boot camp, I was “it was freakin’ awesome” every five seconds (click here for back story). I was all optimistic and hearts and flowers and warm fuzzies about my renewed zest for my mama mission. I was riding some kind of crazy endorphin high.


then I crashed.


Fajitas and chips and salsa hard. Pizookie and candy bars hard. Pizza and sausage sandwiches hard. No worky outie in 5 days hard.

I don’t know what’s happened, but I have become dependent on DS and boot camp to supply my motivation. I can no longer generate it myself. On the days that boot camp doesn’t happen, I literally can NOT force myself to workout, or to even eat well.

I have every reason to still be going strong. Chris is kicking ass. It’s hot as Hades outside, so who wants to get all bloated on food and then sweat walking from the buffet to the car? Coop is constantly on the move and I always swore I’d be the mom who could keep up. We have a family vacay coming up and I don’t want to be “that” mom who sits in the shade while everyone else is out living it up.


My desire to continue to lose weight and work hard is still there, but that desire is often trumped by some scrumptious-looking morsel of yumminess that would literally kill me if I opted not to stuff it into my mouth at that very moment.

I feel all lethargic and yucked out on crap food today. Thank goodness I have boot camp tonight. In 98 degree weather (which, according to weather.com feels like 100). I hope I can find that high again and ride the wave for a few more days.

p.s. The boot camp gals and I did just receive a workout routine from DS to do during the off days. Hopefully that'll be the jolt I need to get it in gear. But I wouldn't bet on it.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Days 149-152 (’nuff said)

cheater, cheater pizookie eater.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Day 148 (Weigh Day #20 & sweat city)

Yesterday’s boot camp proved to be my triumphant return to my mommy mission. It was a bazillion degrees outside (OK, it was 92, whatev), there was absolutely NO wind (no breeze, no titillating rustle of the sun-drenched leaves) and the air hung thick, unmoving, unbending, like a fun little straight jacket slapped on for someone else’s amusement (certainly not my own).

But …

it was freakin' awesome!

I have never, not even on day one of boot camp when my body was staging a full-out revolt against me, sweat sooooo much! It started with little beads of sweat, which gave way to trickles of sweat, which progressed into full on streams of sweat cascading down into places where streams of sweat should never cascade. By the end, I was a lake. A lake of salty sweat (um, eww).

But … again …

it was freakin' awesome!

I was beyond exhausted, I saw more than my fair share of “birdies” and “stars” and lights fading to black. But I never passed out. I never puked. I just plowed through it when I could and rested when I couldn’t.

Weigh Day No. 20 was yesterday. I was still at 197 (thanks to my blizzard binge last week), and, after yesterday’s fried-chicken feast, I didn’t think I’d see a change today.

But …

it was freakin' awesome!

I lost 2 pounds thanks to the sweat session that was boot camp!!!

I’m a little sore today, a little tired, but I am so ready to go again. To push harder than I pushed yesterday.

YAY! I’m lovin’ me some nasty ol’ sweat. =)

P.s. For those of you working it out al fresco, check out this great feature on weather.com that shows the exercise comfort level and air quality in your area.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Day 147 (hey, babe!)

You know that saying, "winner! winner! chicken dinner!"??

Well, my walking team at work, Hot Soles, brought that saying to life with a celebratory lunch at Babe's Chicken (a dallas-area icon) as a way to see yee-ha for winning the 4-week walking challenge.

We covered more than 1,180 miles to make our hearts more healthy, and then we went and clogged those newly cleaned arteries with a crap-load of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, green beans and melt-in-yo' mouth, slap-ya-mama-they're-so-good biscuits!

Yes, we realize the irony ... it tasted delicious.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Days 140-146 (the blizzard blues)

Baby ailments have plagued our home for more than a week (click here for the backstory) and, instead of using Coop’s ear infections and constant need for MOMMY as a distraction, I used it as an excuse.

To eat. A lot.

Coop’s week-long agony coincided with the official end of my structured, competition-driven workout routine and the culmination of it all left me feeling completely lost and out of sorts. And I gave into that and self-medicated with trips to Dairy Queen.

Three trips, as a matter of fact.

Three chocolate extreme blizzards.

In 5 days.


It wasn’t just the inhalation of sweet, creamy goodness punctuated with hunks and chunks of chocolate and brownie that filled my mouth with the deliciousness of comfort I wasn’t able to find elsewhere (umm, did I even look elsewhere? Ha!). It was also the fact that I wasn’t motivated to workout. I only made it to boot camp once … I was at home with Coop the other two days. And, though I squeezed in two workouts at home over the past week, I struggled. Big time.

Chris blew past me with the strength and dead-set determination of a huntin’ dog on the trail of some juicy woodland creature. He devoured the gym with shirt-drenched sweat and a passion I could only show for sleep and fried foods (yes, there was also a secret trip to KFC snuck in there, too. CRAP!). You would think his motivation would’ve served as inspiration. But it didn’t.

It irritated the shit out of me.

He was high on life and weight loss and clothes falling off his waist.

I wanted to strap him to a chair and force-feed him donuts until sprinkles shot out his nose.

It’s now Tuesday and Coop’s back at daycare (yay!) and I have boot camp tonight (double yay!) and I hope to somehow find that motivation I lost over the past few days.

Perhaps I will find it in the sting of sweat in my eyes. The bite of chiggers as they cling to my ankles during “mountain climbers” and push-ups. The aching pain in my chest from suicides and shuffles. Or, perhaps, in my inability to move because every muscle in my body has been pushed beyond the point of exhaustion. Truth be told, that’s one of the best feelings in the world … it reminds you that you're kicking ass, that you’re moving and working and striving to better yourself.

Bring on the pain. Blizzards be damned.

p.s. And if DS EVER sees this, I may regret ever being so honest.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Days 132-139 (Weigh Day #19 & catch up)

oops, too busy last week being an obsessive compulsive mommy regarding the details of Cooper's 1st birthday party to take a minute to blog about my fatness. so, now, listening to my son scream from the other room (we stayed home today ... fever, CRYING, clinginess, DROOL, SNOT, ugh), I thought I'd play catch up while "dada" trys to console the inconsolable tot.

Last week was a great one for my "hot mama" mission:

No. 1: Wednesday was not only weigh day 19 (the scales showed a 2-pound weight loss, I'm now at 197), but also the last day of the 4-week walking challenge. Logging more than 1,180 miles, about 180+ of those were mine, my team Hot Soles was crowned the victor. Yee ha!!!!

No. 2: Thursday was the last official workout for the first session of boot camp (we have a la cart classes the next 2 weeks and the second session starts in June).

To commemorate the occasion, DS took our measurements to see how far we'd come. I was beet red as DS slid the measuring tape around my wobbly bits, made worse by the fact that I asked Hillary (fellow boot camp survivor and marketing co-hort) to document my humiliation with pics.

It was a painful 5ish minutes and, having barely survived the 8 workouts, I wasn't expecting much in the way of shrinking inches. But, I have to admit, I was pleasantly surprised!

Here's how I--ahem--stack up:

April 17
neck 13.25"
chest 39.25"
bicep 13.5"
forearm 10.75"
abs 37.5"
hips 45.5"
thigh 23.5"
calf 16.75"

May 15
neck 13" (down .25")
chest 40" (up .75" ... this freaked me out, but DS attributes the "growth" to the insane amount of push-ups
bicep 13.75" (up .25")
forearm 10.5" (down .25")
abs 37" (down .5")
hips 43.25" (down 2.25" hell yeah!)
thigh 23.25" (down .25")
calf 15" (down 1.75" ... woulda' prefered this loss around my big ol' gut, but I'll take it!)

Overall, I lost 5.25" and gained 1", so I averaged a loss of 4.25" in 4 weeks. Pretty damn proud! On to torture round No. 2.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Days 128-131 (mommy's weekend)

it's my first mommy's day!!! For details, click here.

I wrote a rather lengthy post on my mommy blog, but here, on fat chants, I wanted to share pics of my weekend with Coop. It is because of this little man that I am pushing myself harder than I ever have. That I am working out, eating better; that I am striving to be the thinner, healthier, happier mommy that he deserves. I want, I will be that "hot mama" for Coop. One that can keep up with him on the playground. One that doesn't sit on the sidelines (or the couch), but fully lives each moment with him.

And this weekend was no exception. Friday night we walked around the mall so that I could reach (OK, surpass) my goal of 7ish miles a day. Saturday we powered through 4 miles at the park, played in the creek, hit the slide and swings then splashed through the afternoon poolside. Today we went and bought pants. That fit. YAY! A pair of black slacks in an unforgiving fabric - linen - in a size 16 (that's 2 sizes smaller than when I started this mission).

I feel good. No, I feel great. This afternoon, with Cooper asleep in my arms, and Chris at my side, we cuddled as a family, watching P.S. I Love You. And it was one of those simple moments where you realize that, at some point, you've stopped breathing. It was absolutely perfect.

happy, happy mother's day.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Days 125-127 (Weigh Day #18)

Holy banana hammock! Today completes the third week in the four-week walking challenge at work and I have a grand total of 135.575 miles walked (sometimes breathlessly run, thanks to boot camp)!!! Yahoo! Our team total is nearly 850 miles!

Though today’s weigh-in showed a +1 weight gain (bummer!), I feel reinvigorated. I was totally UNmotivated yesterday during boot camp, despite DS’ words of encouragement: “work those gluts, ladies. I want y’all to be able to crack pecans when you’re done!”

While I’m no where near ready to break anything with my ass (well, aside from wind), that’s certainly a goal to keep in mind the next time I get yelled at for not keeping my hips high enough in the air.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Days 120-124 (Weigh Day #17)

I've been a slacker blogger the past few days ... too busy walking my rotisserie-chicken butt around to be bothered to hit a few key strokes at the end of the day. But, that's a good thing, right?

Well, last Wednesday's weigh day revealed little, um, wait, NO change: 200 even. But, after a particularly grueling boot camp on Thursday, I hit the first goal of ALL GOALS! I slinked down out of the 200s and into the slim-and-trim promise that only the 100s can hold!! (198!) Who-hoo!!!

My excitement, however, has been hiding beneath the shadows of an uneaten ding dong — I can’t tell a damn bit of difference when I look in the mirror! I still see the two chins, the two stomachs, the flabby thighs, the wibbly, wobbly bits tucked in every nook and cranny and, of course, the chicken wings that continue to wave long after my arms have stopped. I thought I’d see more of a noticeable, physical difference by the time I reached this weight.

But I don’t.

Oh, hells (blue) bells.

The good news is that I’m still motivated. The 4-week walking challenge at work has me obsessed with a pedometer — I’m averaging 5-7 miles a day between family walks/team walks/and chasing-after-Cooper walks.

Aaaannnnddd then there’s boot camp. It’s the two hours a week I love to hate. DS has integrated the occasional “good job” into his verbal repertoire of “get those knees up! I said run not jog! It’s not my fault your heads are too fat to lift off the ground (my personal fav!)” I’m really proud of all the gals in the group … there’s not one slacker in the bunch and everyone’s really encouraging — even during the times you wish they weren’t (like when your body has all but revolted during a suicide and they’re cheering you on as they sip water at the finish line. “Someone shoot me. Now.”)

All in all, I am still freakin’ amazed at my progress. I have NEVER worked out this hard and this much for this long in my life. My blisters are my battle scars, my aching muscles a reminder that I’m kicking (my own) ass. And I love it. All of it. Even when I swear I can’t go on another second.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Day 119 (spaghetti)

Boot Camp workout No. 3: Survived, but barely alive (don't be fooled by the pic ... Hillary and I are smiling through the pain).

It was "legs" day and after the "warm up" of running in place, jumping jacks and mountain climbers, I was barely breathing.

Then ...

the lunges. Oh, holy hell the lunges. Walking lunges. Double-dip lunges. On your tippy-toes lunges.

Then squats and more squats and jumping and running and then more lunges.

I am no longer a human being. I am spaghetti. A big ol' bowl of wiggly, jiggly spaghetti. Pour on some marinara, stick a fork in me and call me dinner. I'm done.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Days 114-118 (countdown)

T minus 26 hours and 15 minutes until the next boot camp. Last Thursday went great — it was overcast, the wind was high and the humidity low, which helped me tremendously!! I worked my rear off, or arms, actually, but the constant threat of passing out seemed to be greatly diminished by the more workout-friendly weather.

But, as is Murphy’s Law, after a weekend of 60s and 70s, it’s supposed to be back in the 80s again tomorrow, so I’m, umm, nervous!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Day 113 (oww! & Weigh Day #16)

“Get those feet up! You don’t want your legs to look like you got hit with a bag of nickels.”

“Chins off the chest, about the size of a cupcake between the two. I’m sure you ladies know what a cupcake looks like.”

“You’re not advertising, get your butt outta’ the air.”

And so the fun went yesterday with DS in the first session of boot camp. All was said with a mild, mock sense of humor, but it worked.

For one hellacious hour I plowed through the most brutal workout of my adult life … battling the threat of puking and/or passing out from the moment the words “suicide, go” were yelled.

It was great.

Well, I say that NOW, 18 hours after it’s over. Everything hurts. My hair hurts. And I wasn’t even able to do all the exercises without stopping because I refused to be the first girl to puke and/or pass out. But, after checking in with my “comrades,” I know I’m not the only one moving a little slower today.

Can’t wait to see how tomorrow goes.

p.s. Weighed this AM, hanging tight at 200.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Day 112 (oh, holy hell)

Oh. My. Lord. Too tired to type post Boot Camp, will add details tomorrow, but I think this pic (taken on my phone as I hauled ass away from the torture zone) speaks volumes.

Days 111-112 (bring it on)

Today is the day I have been equally dreading and anticipating for weeks. Today is the day I may die … or feel better than I ever have.

Today is the start of boot camp.

Our trainer (there are about 18 ladies from work participating in this 4-week sweat-a-thon), let’s call him Drill Sergeant (DS), stopped by the office last week to pick up our enlistment papers and take our measurements. ACK!

I’m not a fan of having a muscley man who plans to kick my ass for the next month trying to wrap a measuring tape around my wobbly bits. In fact, I down right hate it. So, what do I do to “ease the tension”?

I mouth off.

“Sooooo,” I say. “If my numbers don’t change, I get my money back, right?”

“Oh, they’ll change all right,” DS retorts.

“OK, but what if the numbers get bigger. Are you going to pay me???”

With a dead stare and expressionless face he says, “I’ll see you Tuesday.”

CRAP. He’s gonna’ kill me.

Added concern? The high is going to be 87 degrees today with 67 percent humidity! Oh, holy mother … if the DS doesn’t get me, the heat surely will!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Day 110 (so long 60!)

Two years ago this summer I dropped 45 pounds (to help with my infertility issues). Then I got preggars, gained back 15, had a baby and then dropped the 15, plus 7 more within a week. Then motherhood happened and I put on 20. In January I embarked on my mission to become a "hot mama" and as of this AM, I am beyond thrilled to report that I now weigh 200 lbs. If all of the ups and downs are killing your math skills here's what this means: since the start of 2008 I have lost 28 pounds (that's 7 more than what Coop weighs!!) and since my heaviest point I have shed 60!! YEE-HA!

These pics show me doing the "look at me pose" (a la Subway's Jared) with a pair of "workout" (meaning I broke a sweat shoveling food into my mouth) pants from the 260 days. This feels good. This feels damn good. Now on to the next 60!

Days 108-110 (rollin' for my homies)

We did it! Despite animal rights protesters (what!!??), battles with bicyclists who thought they owned the road (huh!!??) and a whopping 5 mile walk ... our lil' family Marched for the Babies, or in Coop's case, as his shirt proclaimed: "rolled for my homies." (OK, it said rollin').

Anywhoo, we raised $495 for the March of Dimes in just two weeks, had an amazing time with our A&B team and feel all the more blessed that we were able to take part in such an important event.