Days 238-253 (let's talk)

It’s been 15 days since my last post …what can I say, I’ve been busy … stuffing my face.

I was putting my make-up on the other day and words and realizations started filling my mind … so much so that I had to stop, grab the laptop and get it all down. It was 6:47am, I needed to leave in 20 minutes, I wasn’t ready (not even close) and Coop was still asleep …

Before my shower I jumped on the scale. I knew it would be bad, I’ve been a baaaaad girl, but I didn’t expect double digits bad. I have gained 12 pounds since late July.

I have sabotaged myself and with every missed workout and every extra bite of food I knew it. I was making a conscious decision to do it.

And I’ve just figured out why. When you’re a hefty child who grows up (and out) into a hefty adult, a fat frame is all you’ve ever known. You come to rely on that fluff … though it may incur some rejection and/or disgust, it becomes your safety blanket, your shield for which you can hide behind.

And, at some point that blanket started to wear thin. And it made me nervous.

My entire life I’ve wanted to be the better, dare I say the best, at everything. But, here’s the thing, what if I finally achieve a healthy weight and realize I will never look any better, can’t be any better and I’m still not happy. Then what? I’ve used my weight as an excuse … but when the weight goes away, well, what happens then?

Rejection or the inability to achieve then becomes something personal, rather than physical.

I started blogging about my journey knowing that I needed to be accountable to someone other than myself. Well, that idea stops working when you stop blogging and start hiding. And, I realize now, that’s what I’ve been doing.

I’d like to send a huge thank you to Leslie and Tammy — blogging buds I’ve never met, but, who, through their recent “Where the hell are you?” comments, have brought me back to the blogosphere.

I wish I had something positive to share with you ladies in the world of weight loss, but I don’t right now. My freelance writing job is eating up the extra time I used to spend at boot camp and the gym and I know this is a huge part of my sudden down fall. But, as the hubs and I are both working side jobs to pad the house fund (we’re buying in December/January), something, somewhere had to give.

I’m hoping to join a new gym this weekend with a friend and workout buddy and find a new groove that successfully marries “real” work, “side” work, being with Coop, being with the hubs and being with myself … we’ll see how it goes.

p.s. FINALLY got my heart monitor on Tuesday. My episodes are pretty frequent, which is good right now … want to snag some good recordings for the doc so he will suggest surgery and FINALLY get this little issue over with. YAY!