day 110: bite me

No, really. Someone please bite me ... and take with you a huge chunk of fleshy fatness, maybe then I'll lose some weight! Some how, in the last seven days I have managed to GAIN 4.2 pounds!

I've been working out, eating better (and more frequently to keep the metabolism up), but clearly that slip-up at the Dairy Queen drive-thru last Sunday did me in. Damn those enticing blizzard commericals. Damn. Damn. Damn.

I have just 13.5 days left in the weight-loss competition at work and the current leaders have lost 6, 7 and 9% to my paltry little 3%. Boo.

It's time to rethink my strategy.

day 103: in the homestrech

ACK! Just weighed in my office "Biggest Loser" challenge. Pfft!

Though I did really well with food choices this past week (not one ding dong passed these lips), my efforts weren't rewarded with a great number. In fact, the scale taunted me with a mere .4 pound loss ... I think the damn thing even said, "Mwaaahahaha!" when the display read 206.8. What a B.

Hit the gym at lunch and knocked out 300 calories on the eliptiKILL, who-hoo. Just need to do that 12 times everyday for the next 21 days and I should be all set. ;)

Anywhoo, 9 weeks down, three left to go, with 13.8 pounds left to shed to reach my personal goal.

day 96: Fat Chants article

My lastest Fat Chants article has just been published over on Moms Out Loud (yay!). Check it out here ...

p.s. It was written a few days ago, so it doesn't reflect this AM's success on the scale. ;)

day 96: half-way, baby

At my highest (which was, understandably, one of the lowest points in my life), I tipped the scales at a whopping 260 big ones. It was the height of my infertility issues and I ate to fill the void in my heart. But, post-fertility procedures/specialist/meds, I shed 45 pounds and got preggars.

Now, two-plus years later I am thrilled to report that I am more than half-way to my “goal weight” of 155(ish) — I use “goal weight” loosely as I don’t have a clue what anything below 193 looks like on me (and a trainer I talked to said BMI is total bubkis). ;)

I weighed this AM and am back down to 207, which means I’ve relost the 11 pounds (5% of body weight) I dropped during the first month of the Biggest Loser challenge at work (down 53 from highest point/20%)! In the big-picture view, 11 pounds isn’t much compared to what I still need to “defluff,” but, as anyone who’s ever battled weight issues (and the deeply rooted emotional ties that come along with them) knows, ANY loss is something to celebrated (w/o the cake, of course).

So, this is me, shouting from the roof tops, “who-hoo! I’m half-way, baby!”

Four weeks left to go … hope to kick some serious coworker butt.

day 94: something to think about

This post is a bit of a departure from my typical food-related rants, but I felt compelled to share this post (which is also on my parenting blog):

Motherhood: it’s an experience fraught with contradictions. It is at once beautiful and messy, exhilarating and exhausting, amazing and agonizing. It is a winding journey that is so filled with certainty and uncertainty, with self-confidence and self-doubt that most of us never really know which way is up (or down for that matter … although crunch a Lego with your bare foot in the middle of the night and you’ll quickly remember).

That said, it is amazing to me that once we cross that threshold from womanhood to motherhood, that we don’t automatically assume a “solidarity” type of mentality. I think supporting our fellow mamas should complete our transformation — wider hips, droopy boobs, empathy for anyone who sleeps with Cheerios in the bed and wears snot remnants on her sleeve.

I’m the first to admit that my automatic compassion switch didn’t flick “on” when Cooper came out. But an e-mail I received tonight has made it clear that I need to super glue, nail, duct tape my switch to the full and upright position … I don’t ever want to be responsible for making another mom feel the way I do right now:

“You and Chris cannot tell me how much you love little Cooper UNTIL you show yourselves that you love him enough to stop the food addiction cycle.”

This is just a small portion from an e-mail written in response to Sunday's post.

It is the only sentence that matters.

I believe in my heart of hearts that the sender wrote out of love and concern. I know the intentions were good. But daring to question my love for my son … that simply negates any good that was intended.

I’m truly at a loss …

day 93: holy headache

Yow-zah! I always loathe the return from gluttony … it gives me a raging headache — I’m currently nearing migraine level. UGH. But, I deserve it … it’s my body’s way of reminding me what an idiot I’ve been (just wish the reminder didn’t have to be quite so intense).

Aside from the vice grip on my brain, today has been pretty good, like waffle (plain whole-grain, low-fat), vanilla yogurt, lean pocket kind of good. I won’t be attempting the gym, as my vision is pretty suspect at this point, but going from the all-you-can-eat ding-dong buffet (wow, does that sound as euphemistic to anyone else, lol?) to low-cal, low-fat is a great start.

Bonus? This throbbing head situation will have my big ol’ butt in bed as soon as Cooper says, “night, night,” which means less hours to look longingly at the fridge.

day 92: coming out of the closet

Oops, sorry Tammy ... here ya' go, thrilled to know someone's still reading. ;)

Do you know where I found myself at 6:05 Friday morning? Sitting in my closet, eating a ding dong. And, as pathetic as that may sound, it wasn’t my first … nor was it my last that day (I also went on to eat donuts at the office, cheese enchiladas for lunch, more donuts on the way home and an Italian feast for dinner).

Sitting in my closet, not tasting the cake, but rather inhaling it, I shoved the last bite in my mouth just as the hubs walked in. BUSTED. Oops.

I chalk the non-stop eat-a-thon up to that fun little hormone surge that signals the start of the monthly yuck (some days I totally long for boy parts). Well, PMS and a complete disregard for my hot mama mission (and anything not related to food and/or its consumption).

In all honesty though, I’ve been a pretty bad little binger lately … so much so that hiding in the closet doesn’t come as much of a shock to me …

I did really well the week before … focused and determined. But with Cooper’s 2nd birthday BBQ bash last Saturday, well, I let the food fly … straight down the gullet, filling my gut until I literally cringed in pain. Niiiiice!

I know I’m an emotional eater, I know my triggers, which for most heavyweights is the greatest truth … if you know the problem, then you can seek to fix it (or avoid it, or have a plan in place to deal with it). But lately, I’ve given myself license to be weak.

But, as much as I know my issues, I also know how to get back on track — a project! So, I dedicated today as “garage clean-out” day. I love, love, love to clean out. Read: HATE to clean, LOVE to clean OUT. I’ve always found the purging of things and the organizing of stuff to be a completely cathartic experience. Plus, thanks to the early on-set of sweltering Texas temps, I could see the ding dongs and donuts literally sweating out of my pores. YAY!

Nearly five hours and a gallon of water later, I feel really, really good (well, emotionally anyway, physically my back and hips are reeling from the sudden exertion, but even that reminds me that I lifted something more than a ding dong today, who-hoo!).

There are about 3 weeks left in my office Biggest Loser challenge and I intend to make the most of them. I’ve lost (and gained) the same 11 pounds over and over since the start of the competition 9 weeks ago. And I know if I don’t work my rear off to get under 200 by the end of it, I will be completely disgusted with myself (not to mention, I’m still dying to zip up that damn zipper, lol).

It’s my goal to weigh-in at 193 at the end of Biggest Loser … that’s the number I was at last summer when I was totally on track. So, back to blogging (it always helps!), back to the gym and back to being the on-track me I know I can be…which means coming (and staying) out of the closet. ;)

p.s. We have weigh-in on Wednesday, so I’ll post then how far I am from goal. I started the challenge at 218. And have been at 207 off and on throughout … would love to hear from anyone else sweatin’ through the summer!

Update Coming Tonight!

Promise! ;)

day 57: catch-up

OOPS. I've been a bad little blogger lately. I've taken on a chunk of freelance work lately, so, if i'm not at work, working, I'm at home, working, which leaves precious little time for anything else. And while I'm EXHAUSTED on the weekends, the influx of projects has certainly kept my mind off food, which is huge, and one of my top secrets for success (the rest are outlined in my lasted Fat Chants article on MomsOutLoud.com, click here for details).

As I have about 20 loads of laundry to do (already up to 4200 steps logged just doing chores! who-hoo!! ... huge since there are just 2 weeks left in the walking challenge at work), so I'll keep the rest of this short and sweet.

The first weigh in at work (1st of 12 in the biggest loser-style challenge): showed a 7 pound weigh loss! SWEET! But, I still tied for best efforts in week 1 with the big-mouthed, bald coworker who is my sole reason for busting butt on this ... he's goin' down! ;) We both lost 3% body fat the first week.

The second weigh in (which was this past Wednesday), wasn't so hot. I was bad, bad, bad the weekend going into week two, so i gained a pound (still down 6 overall, though). But, boo, the big-mouthed, bald coworker sailed ahead, losing a combined 5%.

Gotta' pick up the pace and gain some ground in week 3. There's a side bet on this between the big-mouthed, bald coworker and two others .... there's 200 bucks on the line, winner takes all! Mama needs some money! ;)

Gotta' get back to laundry ... and steps! Goal is 11 miles walked today.

day 40: bring it on

If you happended by my latest Fat Chants article over on MomsOutLoud.com, then you know that yesterday was a big'en.

April 8 kicked off the American Heart Association's National Start! Walkling Day, which means my company's 4-week walking challenge also got underway. Last year, my team Hot Soles, logged enough tread to be crowned the "golden shoe" victors and I have high hopes that this year's girl-powered team, 10 Feet of Fabulous (that's us up there in the pink) will continue the tradition. But, as one of my former team mates(2008 top individual walker winner) announced yesterday in our all-staff meeting, his team, the Dead Sexy Hiking Hooligans, is in it to win it.

The gauntlet has been thrown! Let the games --ahem -- walking begin!

Oh, but wait, there's more...(don't cha just love when people say that). Yesterday also started a 12-week "Biggest Loser" style weight loss challenge -- another title I fully intend to take home. Why? Because I feed on competition (instead of calories, well, now anyway)? Because I'm a perfection-seeking crazy lady who hates to be second best? Or, could it be for the simple joy of puttin' the kabosh on all the smack talk spewing from the little bald man in my department who won this challenge two years ago and who assumes it's in the bag this year? But. Of. Course. Oh, and I'd like to note, speaking of spew, the said bald man just so happens to be the same fellow who was the first to toss his cookies during boot camp last summer. ;) (Sorry G, you know i totally *heart* you, but you're going down.

And, on that note, I quote my friend, fellow boot-camp survivor and colleague, Hillary, "I'm not in it to win it, I'm in it to lose!"

Boys ... bring it on!

day 38: playing catch-up

My apologies to all 5 people who read this blog for my lack of postings as of late ... i've been crazy busy with work work, freelance work, getting side-business off the ground work, pro bono writing work, wife work, mommy work and yes, though it may come as a shock to my parents, yard work.

Not so much work being done on my hot-mama mission, though. But, I swear there is a "good" reason. Details will be revealed in my lastest Fat Chants installment over at MomsOutLoud.com on Thursday.

p.s. Um, I'm new to this whole "follower" business and my glaringly obvious blank box at left is quite sad ... won't someone help me fill it up? Accounatbility is the name of the game when it comes to fat loss. ;)

day 27: mama says ...

After yesterday’s debut of Fat Chants over on MomsOutLoud, I started hearing from lots of mama friends who too, were struggling.

YAY!

Not yay in the fact that there are other moms out there whose parts have expanded beyond the confines of their closet-worth of clothing (believe me, the ladies quoted below have ALWAYS looked amazing … like make-ya-wanna’-puke amazing). But rather yay in the way they each shared their own story. I truly, truly believe that stepping up and speaking out — if only to your lifelong friends — is a powerful (necessary) action in overcoming whatever it is that’s holding you back (for me, it’s my complete and utter co-dependence with any food not grown in the ground!).

As they say, misery loves company … well, so do mommies looking for a way to be the absolute best they can be for their families...

here's to company, to compassion, to commiserating, to admitting our weaknesses and embracing our strengths ... go, mamas, go:

“I too struggle with the day-to-day gorging of sweets and salties! It's sooo freakin’ hard. To think I was once an athletic, toned, hot girl at 125 lbs. I hate who I see in the mirror and go back and forth with weight loss. I'll lose 17 pounds and gain them all back faster than you can say burrito supreme. I have a promise to myself to lose 30 pounds before I turn 30 (which is June 7th). It's not just about me anymore! My family needs an energetic and healthy woman to man the helm of this chaotic boat. Hang in there!! We can do this together! Love ya!”

“I read your Fat Chants blog … really cool. I have gained 15 lbs since last summer with the tubing leg injury, then in November my back went out. So I have eaten and eaten and not worked out! I need motivation to get off my butt and workout. Trying the acai berry thing, don't think it's doing much.You have inspired me and I will keep up with your weight loss!! Sucks when you don't have any clothes that fit!”

“This is so great, good luck. You know, I need some motivation myself. For some reason, when I have the choice between playing with the baby and working out, the baby always wins. Being a mommy has turned me into one big lazy ass. I'll stay tuned for your future write-ups. Maybe you'll help motivate me, too! :)”

day 24: before & after(s)

Typically when someone shows you their before and afters, it's the latter pic that's most impressive. But, ya' know I like to work in reverse. ;)

Digging through some old pics last night, I found one I was particularly fond of ...

This is my BEFORE, taken last July on the banks of the Guadalupe River.

And now, for your viewing pleasure ... my AFTER(S)


Same pants, plus 8 months of age and 15 pounds of ooey, gooey "goodness" seeping out the front. Dead. Sexy. (props to my sidekick for covering up some of the pudge.) ;)

And because two pics aren't humiliation enough ...

Yep, that's a nice 6 inches of gut hanging out of my absolutely, no-way-in-hell-is-that-gonna'-zip zipper. Who-hoo (one can only imagine how much that woulda' been a month ago before i dropped a quick 20! Those sad little pants probably woulda' just laughed in my face as they saran-wrapped my thighs and refused to budge).

I detailed this fun little experiment in my first Fat Chants column debuting Thursday over at Moms Out Loud. Check it out here when you have a chance.

Until then, here's a summary: the pants go moo, the seams go sigh and I set a goal to zip that friggin' zipper by the end of May.

day 13: part two

On January 3, 2008, I posted the following:

“I have devised a plan that will ensure my ultimate success. I will skip the popping of powerful appetite suppressants, or adopting anorexic tendencies and will, instead, completely, totally, utterly humiliate myself on the world wide web … I can’t be accountable only to myself or to my hubby … I’m stuck with me and hell, let’s face it, he is too. I need to be accountable to the world.”

Well, flash forward 431 days and I would now like to recant the whole appetite suppressant statement (I *heart* my pills), but other than that, it’s business as usual.

Oh, but there is this one thing that I’ve learned about my original hot mama mission. In order for the whole accountability by blog to work, you have to, umm, blog!

So, I’m upping the ante and I’m going global.

OK, maybe not global, but the blog is about to get bigger. At the end of this month some of my rantings will be carried on Moms Out Loud — a fantastic online community for D-FW mamas by D-FW mamas that features everything and anything local ladies need/want.

So. Stinkin’. Excited.

So. Stinkin’. Scared.

Failing “in front” of the three people who read this little blog is one thing (thanks mom!), failing in front of who knows how many, well … that’s a whole other tub of chunky monkey ice cream. But, that’s what I wanted, right? “I need to be accountable to the world.”

I’m hoping this new adventure will keep me moving forward because going back is no longer an option.

Fingers are crossed. Hopes are high. Calories are right were they should be. ;)

Oh, and big news: Since “Thin Wednesday” I've lost 11 pounds (that's 11 lumps in 13 days)! Who-hoo!!!

day 6: here’s the deal

Somewhere between complete obsession and complete apathy I lost my way when it came to the hot mama mission I started more than a year ago. I’ll be honest, I knew what I was doing.

It started when the face staring back at me in the mirror looked like a distorted version of the one I had always known. As someone who’s been heavy her entire life, I’ve always dreamed of what it would be like to snag anything off the rack and have it fit like a glove (rather than a sausage casing). But, dreams often have a way of becoming twisted in reality.

Though I was still a hefty chica, there was a much smaller heft than there once had been and I suddenly found myself afraid of the unfamiliar territory.

So, I sabotaged. I was like an anorexic in reverse. I ate everything I could and willed myself to regain the weight I’d lost. And, fortunately/unfortunately I succeeded. It’s complete lunacy, I know, but the mind is a sneaky lil’ devil.

Somewhere along the line, I lost control of what I was doing and spiraled beyond where I had intended to go. The message became, “eeh, what’s another 5 pounds?”

Five lead to another 5 and then another and another until I was two pounds shy of where I had started.

And then I was scared. I couldn’t let myself cross that line.

So, here I am, starting over, rather than charting continued progress.

But, that’s completely OK. That’s the great thing about life … second helpings and second chances. ;)

When I was battling infertility a few years ago, the specialist said losing weight was one of the things I could do to help improve my chances of becoming a mama. So I did. I lost 45 pounds.

But, I had help. Help I have sought again.

Since I allowed myself to be swallowed by the emotional cycle of eating these past few months, there was no way for me to get my mind right and ready to tackle this challenge again.

So, I called the doc and got a Rx for an old friend … phentermine.

Yes, it’s half of the infamous phen/phen, but for me, it works. It takes the edge off, it’s like the chubby chick’s nicotine patch. And I love it!

I wish I could do this on my own, but, right now I can’t. And I’m OK with that. I still have to muster all the willpower in my world not to submit to the emotional triggers that make me want to plow through a box of Girl Scout cookies. It’s still me taking on the beast every single day, I just happen to be packing heat this time. ;)

There’s also a second step in my new plan of attack, but details on that to come later …

Until then, I’m hitting the gym, eating light and doing the best I can.

day 1: starting over

I promised to announce my new and improved hot mama mission today, but as I still have laundry to do and bags to pack before I head out of town tomorrow, the "big reveal" will just have to wait.

But I do have something to confess. I went to the doc on Monday for a routine physical, which, since I haven't had a physical since I "played" tennis in high school, it was less routine and more what-the-hell-have-you-been-doing-to-yourself?!? It seems (though it comes as no surprise to me) that I've gained back all but two of the pounds I worked so hard to shed last year.

Nice, right??

In a mere six months, I have packed on a whopping 33 pounds! Mom must be so proud. ;)

So, I'm taking this huge backslide as motivation to start again, to reclaim my size 14s and then shrink right on past 'em.

Details on how I'm gonna' do it to come ... stay tuned.

Fat Tuesday

Whoo-hoo. I'm Fat and it's Tuesday ... bring on the gluttony! ;)

Tomorrow, on what I have dubbed Thin Wednesday, I will be revealing my new hot-mama mission plan of attack.

But, until then, I will revel in the deliciousness that is Mardi Gras!!!

p.s. I wanna' be this chick (photo courtesy of the hubs and his camera phone ... both of which were in New Orleans over the weekend) ... yes, she's embracing her birthday suit with a lil' body paint ... gotta love her, um, balls?